


A is for Anonymous

by OneAstriskForTheLine29



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, F/F, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-28
Updated: 2017-06-02
Packaged: 2018-10-11 22:23:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 59,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10475763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OneAstriskForTheLine29/pseuds/OneAstriskForTheLine29
Summary: The guilt makes her wonder: What if she does have a problem. (This is primarily Alex. Sanvers is the main pairing but this focuses mostly on Alex). Work in progress.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note: I do not have anyone to read over this for me so any errors I apologize. Please let me know if its something so bad it needs to be corrected. This is my first attempt to write anything using this character/show. I'm going to try and portray Alex as in character as I can but as you'll read there are reasons she may seem out of character. This is someone that I've had floating around in my head since we started see more of Alex drinking on the show. I don't own anything. I definitely don't own this show cause if I did I'd probably make it all about Maggie and Alex. Anyway, enjoy.

Alex stood nervously at the back of the room, her back pressed against the wall in a hopeless attempt to just blend in. Her eyes anxiously flicking between the guy standing at the front podium spilling his sob story and the few faces that sat listening. Whoever thought the idea of sitting in a room listening to another person's issues and struggles would help someone else muddle through their own issues clearly never thought about the end game. For Alex listening to this hapless loser spill tears over the girl that got away because he was too slobbering drunk to keep her just made Alex want to drink. Endlessly. Still, she stood and she listened. Clutching the now lukewarm cup of coffee in her hand trying in vain to use it to cover her face. It wasn't that Alex was embarrassed to be at a meeting, it just wasn't something she wanted anyone she knew to know. Not yet at least. It was only her first one. And after listening to this guy it'd probably be her last.

But then she thought of what brought her here. What brought her to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting on the other side of town, at 11 o'clock at night, on a Monday: LIFE. Not a bad. No, not by far. Just life in general. To an outsider she had a perfect life. Perfect job, perfect apartment, perfect sister, perfect girlfriend, perfect friends. But if anyone, family included, knew her inner struggle...well life wouldn't be so perfect now would it. She had to give herself credit, she did well at hiding it. She got up everyday, she put the smile on, kissed the girlfriend goodbye, and went to work where she kicked endless amounts of ass. But deep, deep down she wanted nothing more than to give up. The just crumble. She didn't want to always be the one to save the day. Cause lets face it, Alex saved the day everyday. Without her there would be no Supergirl. Yeah the DEO would still run without her but Kara would rescind herself to being nothing more than a boring reporter. It was Alex that made Supergirl. Alex that always gave her the push she needed to get the job done. Alex was always the one cleaning up after her. Saving her and her friends. Oh let's not forget the amount of times Alex had to bail Winn, or James, or Mon-El out of trouble. Too many to count frankly. The weight of the world sat on Alex's shoulders and not a single person in her close connections knew it. Well maybe Maggie did but she never let on.

Maggie.

Now there's a woman wise beyond her years. It was no surprise to Alex that Maggie was a detective, a damn good one at that, the woman was observant, intelligent, and you couldn't fool her to save your life. That's why Alex had a damn good feeling that Maggie knew. Maggie knew all the pressure she felt but rather than add to it or push Alex, she let the woman be. Not because she didn't care but because she knew that pushing would break Alex. And the last thing anyone need, the last thing the world itself needed, was for a strong independent badass ass kicking woman like Alex Danver's to break. She instead she left her be and was just there. She was there when Alex needed her most. She was open and comforting. Supportive and encouraging. But she never pushed. And it was exactly what Alex needed and she was to grateful for it

Now life is what's brought her down. Life is what's made her want to drink cause when she drinks everything just gets muffled and for those hours that the alcohol runs through her systems she doesn't have to worry about a thing. All she has to focus on is that hum she feels, that weightlessness, and just calm. When Alex drinks everything just gets calm. The voice in the back of her head that keeps telling her she has to be perfect, she has to protect Kara, she has to do this she has to do that it just stops. When Alex drinks the world shuts up and she can finally have peace. And so she drinks. When the stress comes banging at her door she drinks. Experts would say she's a functional alcoholic. Alex would say she just likes to relax with a drink. It's not that she can't not drink or that she doesn't want to not drink. She just finds a drink or five after a stressful day relaxing. She won't admit that when things get tough, when they get stressful, when she just doesn't want to process anything cause it's just too freaking hard Alex craves that drink. Her father betraying her all she wanted was to drown herself in that bottle but Maggie.

Always Maggie.

She wasn't angry at her girlfriend for stopping her. If she was honest she was grateful. But part of her, that part that needed the alcohol to cope just wanted nothing more than to finish it. She has noticed that since she's been dating Maggie her desire for alcohol has gone down a little but she's quickly brushed that off as excitement over being with Maggie. Like the alcohol, Maggie makes her feel good but it hasn't completely replaced the feeling that alcohol gives her. Does it dim it down? Yeah but it's still there and everyday Alex can feel the desire building.

Then the desire hit ten fold and Alex was dying for a drink. She'd gone to the bar. She'd ordered her regular and she drank it. Then she drank another and another and another. She didn't think anyone would blame her though. After what she'd gone through. What she had to see. What she had to do. How could anyone blame her for wanting to just get plastered. If anyone else, if Kara, or Maggie, or hell even James had to do what she had to do she wouldn't blame them for a second for getting absolutely blasted. But yet they did. They never said they did. Maggie never even hinted to it but Alex could tell. But none of them would ever understand. Not a single one would ever have to understand what it was like to shoot your own father. Alex does and that's what broke her. That's what kicked that need, that desire for a drink up ten fold and had her sitting in a bar trashed out of her ever loving mind like she was back in college.

No one really knew the story. There was the official report from Alex but that was stripped down to the bare bones of what happened. The report didn't show how Alex had begged her father to just surrender. Had begged him to turn himself in. Alex had thought that after the whole breaking into Cadmus/Fridget mission she'd influenced him enough to change. To be one of the good guys again. But Cadmus fixed that real quick and the next time Alex faced him he was heartless and down to the soul evil. She had no choice. He died or millions of aliens died. Alex just couldn't live with that much blood on her hands. She couldn't exactly live with her father's blood on her hands either but sacrifices have to be made. She made her's and it broke her.

She went through the grief like a normal person. Or well as normal as someone like Alex Danvers. She met with the DEO shrink, and talked about what happened. She took the mandatory time off. She processed. Of course she always processed with a drink in her hand. But that one night. It all just got to her. Everything in life just got to her and she let go. She finally let go and lived in the moment. She got plastered. Then Maggie came. Sweet, loving, supportive Maggie. She'd thanked the bartender for calling her and lovingly manhandled Alex all the way back to her apartment. She nursed Alex through the hangover the next morning. She encouraged Alex to talk but the agent would have none of it. She just apologized and said she'd never get that drunk again. Sixteen hours later and that statement was proven wrong. And so that's what Alex's life became. Of course she knew she couldn't get falling down drunk every night doing so would draw way too much attention. No she just needed a few strong drinks to get her through the night and the nightmares. But those few drinks a night morphed into a few drinks a night and a couple drinks a day until Alex found herself stashing a new bottle of whiskey in her desk every two or three days.

Alex Danvers became a full blown functioning alcoholic.

Then the Night came. The night in question was the night her beautiful, amazing, absolutely perfect girlfriend Detective Maggie Sawyer put it all on the line and spilled her heart out. After months of dating and the words being on the tips of each of their tongues Maggie finally said it. But Alex was too drunk to remember it. That night was a haze to Alex. She vaguely remembered coming home and Maggie was there. Looking back on it...turns out it was their six month anniversary. Of course Alex forgot...or the alcohol made her forget. The only way Alex knew what had happened that night was the next day when they met Kara for lunch. Apparently the detective had talked to Kara about her plan as way of getting the younger Danver's blessing (which she should've known she had from the start). When they'd met up with the younger woman she was all but exploding with excitement to hear how it went. And that's how Alex found out that her girlfriend who she was absolutely positive was the love of her life told her that she loved her. And in turn Alex said it right back. Drunk out of her mind but keeping it together somehow Alex said those three words right back. Now you're probably thinking: 'Ok so she said it back. She loves her she should say it.'

But here's the problem: Alex doesn't remember it and she was drunk. How can anyone mean anything like that when they're drunk. We're not talking tipsy here. We're talking if you got pulled over you'd blow over a .08 drunk. Alex said the most important words to the most important person in her life while she was inebriated. And if Maggie knew well then the other woman never let on which told Alex that she probably didn't.

All of it left Alex feeling horrible. She wanted to tell Maggie the truth but she feared it would break the other woman' heart. I mean c'mon how would you feel to spill your heart out to the woman you love, hear the words back, then the next day hear her say, "baby I'm so sorry but I was so drunk last night I think I said 'I love you' when I wasn't ready." Yeah, her relationship would be so over. Alex wanted to say the words but when sober she just knew she wasn't ready for that kind of commitment. And that of course was another of the wonderful stressors that drove her to drink. Of course when she found out all that happened her first instinct was to drink. She'd gotten back to her office after lunch and down two quick glasses of the whiskey she kept in her desk. That settled the deep guilt that took root her her heart over what happened, it also cured all the withdrawl symptoms she was experiencing from not having alcohol in her systems for more than an hour or two. She'd spent the day in her office drinking, slowly drinking, but drinking nonetheless. The door was locked and she'd informed Agent Vasquez not to let anyone interrupt her due to the mountain of paperwork she needed to complete. There was no paperwork just a bottle. While she drank she thought. Everything ran through her head. But at the end of the day she knew one thing: Maggie. She couldn't lose her.

And that's what had Alex here...at an AA meeting with a bunch of other pathetic saps that couldn't keep their booze in check either. She didn't think she had a problem. If you asked her she'd tell you she didn't, she just liked to indulge a little too much. As to why she was here? She just needed a little guidance. Yeah the thought crossed her mind that she might have a problem with alcohol. Well who better to ask then some recovering alcoholics. But as she stood and listened to some of the absolutely pathetic stories she came to realize that she has something in common with all of them. The NEED to drink. Like the guy still droning on about how alcohol cost him his fiancee, Alex too needed the alcohol to cope. Maybe these people weren't pathetic. Maybe she didn't need to talk to a single one of them to know that she was in the right place. Maybe she was just like all of them.

That realization hit Alex right in the chest and it took her breath away.

"You know," Came a voice to Alex's left, "If you squeeze that cup any harder you're gonna be wearing what's in it."

Alex glanced over to see a woman leaning against the wall next to her watching the guy at the podium. The woman gave off an air of confidence with a twinge of 'I really don't care to be here but here I am'. She wore a black motorcycle jacket over a gray t-shirt, a pair of baggy faded blue jeans, a pair of black combat boots that looked liked they'd seen better days, and a high and tight that would put the DEO's male grooming standards to shame. This woman was clearly military. Alex watched as a slow grin formed on the woman's lips and she glanced at Alex out of the corner of her eye. Quickly Alex looked away. She didn't mean to get caught staring but she didn't expect anybody to talk to her. She thought she had a good resting bitch face on that would keep even the bravest of attenders at bay. Clearly she was wrong or this woman was just crazy.

"Someone should pull him cause this is just getting pathetic," The woman mumbled before crossing her arms over her chest.

Apparently someone else had the same thought and Alex watched as a guy pulled the man from the podium into a hug and then thanked him for sharing his story. Everyone clapped of course. Then the other guy thanked everyone for coming out and brought the meeting to an end. Alex sighed in relief and pushed off her spot on the wall to leave. Just as she took a step past the woman she heard her voice again.

"The coffee here sucks and the cookies are at least five hours old. They're left over from the youth group they have at six."

Alex stopped and looked at the woman, her stare a mixture of confusion and intrigue. The woman smiled and pushed off the wall bringing her into Alex's space and causing the agent to feel a little intimidated. Briefly she looked into Alex's eyes almost as if trying to read right down into her soul. Alex took a step back and regarded the woman carefully. This caused her to laugh deeply and put her hands up in mock surrender.

"You want a real cup of coffee? I'm talking a cup that's so hot and delicious you'll feel it in your soul?" The woman proposed and watched as Alex carefully regarded her. Alex could go for a cup of coffee at the moment, maybe even a cup of Irish coffee but that would defeat the whole reason she was here. At the same time though Alex was in no desire to fend off another suitor. Part of her just wanted to go home and curl up with her amazing girlfriend and sleep. However, no sooner did that thought cross her mind did the guilt dig its way back up from the bowels of her soul and scratch at her conscious.

Almost as if the woman could read her thoughts (maybe she could) she stated, "It's not a come on. And while you are an attractive woman, I don't come to meetings to hook up or find my next wife. It just coffee and a talk."

"Why?" Alex found herself saying as she looked at the woman in confusion.

"You look like you need to talk," The woman smiled softly at her. Her eyes connected with Alex's and all the agent could see was understanding in them. "You're new here that I can tell. One of the first steps is to talk. Get it all out and go from there. That's what I'm offering you."

Alex laughed and looked away from the woman, her arms coming up to cross over her chest. She was clearly uncomfortable and defensive. Talking and communicating wasn't Alex's strong point. Maggie pointed that out the night of the Barenaked Ladies concert. Alex was all about pushing her feelings down, that's all she's ever known. But maybe part of her really wanted to talk, wanted someone to push her into talking. Maybe this woman could be that person.

With a deep breath Alex nodded, "Ok. Lead the way."

The short haired woman smiled and held out her hand, "I'm Luc by the way."

The agent regarded her curiously again. "I thought AA was suppose to be anonymous that's what the second A stands for." A smile passed over Alex's lips at the woman's laugh.

"It's is if you want it to be. You can give me any name you feel comfortable giving me or no name, that's your choice and I'll respect it."

"Let's just leave it at A for now," Alex stated as she shook the woman's hand.

"Alright Anonymous, let's got get that coffee," And with that the woman named Luc turned and headed towards the door.

Alex followed quickly behind her. The voice in her head screamed for a drink but for the first time in a long time Alex felt at peace with not falling into a bottle. She just wanted to talk. Maybe she was doing the right thing for herself.


	2. Chapter 2

She sat with her head down and her fingers wrapped tightly around the ceramic mug, her eyes stared into the brown liquid like it held the answers to all her questions. Thoughts raced through her head and she wanted nothing more than to make them stop. She knew if she let go of the mug her hands would shake. She was a doctor, she knew all the symptoms of alcohol withdrawal. It'd been close to six hours since she'd last had a drink. The shaking came first followed by the headache. She could feel that headache creeping in like a summer thunderstorm and she was pretty sure it would be just as violent. The voice in the back of her head spoke up, started to reason with her. It started to tell her that if she had just one drink the shakes would stop and the headache would go away, her mind would finally be clear again. It started to reason that her body needed that drink and her body was starting to agree. She closed her eyes briefly and clutched the coffee cup harder.

Across from her the woman, Luc, watched carefully. Being a recovering alcoholic she too knew all the signs of withdrawal and she could see clear as day that the woman sitting opposite her was starting to withdraw. Nonetheless she sat patiently, waiting for the woman she'd just met to start talking.

When after what felt like an eternity Alex spoke, "God I could use a drink."

Luc laughed, "Spoken like a true drinker." That earned a hot glare from the redhead across from her. "Hey, I just call it when I see 'em." Alex just rolled her eyes and went back to focusing on her coffee. Luc watched the other woman for a long moment. Alex tried to be closed off, tried to be anonymous but Luc knew better. Although she did not know this woman she knew her story, she knew her struggle. Luc took a slow sip of her coffee before leaning back in the booth, her right arm coming up to drape over the back of the booth. "How many hours," Luc asked just before she took another sip of her coffee.

Alex looked up and contemplated the question for a moment. Not that she intended to but she'd counted the hours. She knew that this was the first time in months that she'd been sober for this long. Taking a deep breath Alex looked back at Luc.

"Probably going on seven hours now," She answered in embarrassment. She wasn't embarrassed that she'd gone such a period of time without alcohol. No she was embarrassed that going that short of a time without a drink was so hard. Now Alex wasn't a falling down drunk. She wasn't those typical drunks you hear about, that you're warned about when you start drinking at 21. No Alex was someone that couldn't function without alcohol, she didn't need to be falling down intoxicated, she just had to have enough in her system to effect her. But even then going without a drink for even an hour left her shaky and edgy.

"Have you gone through withdrawals before," Luc asked gently concern lacing her words. She'd only met the woman a mere thirty minutes prior but she didn't wish the pain of withdrawal on anyone even though it was kinda a mandatory thing to get sober.

"No," Alex whispered her head dropping down in shame, "But I've seen it. I know what to expect and I'm ready for it." Pride came out as Alex spoke the last words and she raised her head to look right at Luc.

The perked Luc's interest. This would be the first person she'd even encountered at a meeting that was ready for the withdrawals. Was ready to get clean. On her first meeting she was ready to be sober. Something in this woman's world must have really fallen apart for her to be this ready. "Why did you show up tonight," Luc asked then sat back and studied Alex carefully.

Alex shook her head and tried to gather her thoughts. Part of her wanted to talk so much but part of her, the agent part of her, screamed at her to be careful. In the end, the need to talk won. "Love," Alex stated and looked right at Luc.

The other woman grinned, "Ah it is always love. Now is it out of love for yourself or another?" Alex remained silent and her silence spoke volumes. "You can't successfully do this, get sober, if you don't love yourself." Luc explained gently. Her gaze was soft and understanding as she watched the emotions dance over Alex's face.

"Maybe I don't wanna get sober," Alex growled angrily. So many emotions conflicted within her and her thoughts continued to race. This was all just becoming way too much. "Maybe I just wanna...I just...I don't know." Alex flopped back in the booth in exasperation.

"What do you know then," Luc questioned.

A smiled graced over Alex's lips as she thought of her answer. "That I love her," Alex said softly. Her mind flashing back to Maggie. The woman's dimpled smiled floating through her mind. Her sweet voice bouncing around within her head.

"Then I ask: what were you looking for when you showed up tonight," Luc asked.

Alex finally gave in, her head dropped into her hands and her shoulders slacked. A long deep sigh escaped her lips and the floodgates opened. "Help," Alex whispered, "I know something has to change. Those around me I don't think they know or if they do they don't let on but I know and it's killing me." The vulnerable tone in her words told Luc that the woman across from her rarely showed weakness. "I had a bottle of whiskey in my desk at work, it sat there for most of my career. It was a gift from my sister when I got my job. I kept it for special occasions," Alex continued, "I drained it in one day. At work. You'd think that would be the low point but no. No. I dropped to the lowest of lowest shitty girlfriends low points." Alex shook, not because of the alcohol but because of the rage. The rage she had towards herself. The anger she had for herself after what she'd done. She'd been angry when she first realized what she'd done but she was mildly intoxicated so the anger she felt was subdued. Now though she was full blown sober and felt the hot prickle of rage course through her body.

"Everyone one has their own low points. Dropping to what you believe is yours doesn't make you a shitty girlfriend." Luca reasoned gently.

Alex laughed harshly, "How many people do you know tell their girlfriends they love them for the first time when they're so drunk they don't even remember it. I wasn't even ready to tell her but I did because I was drunk."

"I think you would be surprised at how many people have done that. You're not alone there but I can understand the upset you have with yourself."

"She's the first person that's meant this much to me. I've never felt this way about someone and I just wanted to do it right. I wanted it all to be perfect."

"Life isn't perfect though," Luc explained.

Again Alex laughed harshly before dropping her gaze down to her now cold coffee. "If you knew my life you'd say opposite," Alex's tone was bitter.

"So explain it to me," Luc said as she flagged down the waitress to refill their cups.

"Why do you care so much," Alex asked in confusion. She thanked the waitress for her refill before raising the cup to her lips. "You don't know me so what is your interest," She asked behind the lip of her cup.

Luc shrugged, "I saw someone struggling much the way I struggled when I showed up at my first meeting. Someone took an interest in me just as I have in you. If they hadn't," Luc stopped her throat tightened in emotion as she thought back to her life before she got sober. "If they hadn't I'd be dead right now."

"They were your sponsor," Alex stated gently.

The other woman gathered her thoughts for a moment before she continued, "They offered me the chance to talk just as I have you. I completed the program three years ago and all they made me promise is that someday I'd help someone else. I've been going to meetings every night for three years and tonight was the first night that I met someone that I knew deep down needed my help." Alex looked away from the other woman feeling kind embarrassed that her struggle was that obvious. "It's nothing to be ashamed of," Luc said softly her hand coming out to lay against the table next to Alex's. She didn't dare touch the woman but she figured the gesture would be enough of a comfort. "Everyone comes into this in their own way but you're not gonna get through it without help."

"And that's what you're offering? To be my sponsor?" Alex asked. Anger no longer laced her words but rather defeat. For so long she'd been strong and the dependent one, now she just wanted nothing more than to collapse. She wanted someone she could just give it all up to and not be so goddamn perfect around. It seemed that maybe just maybe this Luc woman could be that person.

Luc regarded her for a moment. She hadn't intended for their conversation to come to a head like that. She really didn't have any intention of becoming Alex's sponsor when she put the offer for coffee out there. She figured maybe the talk would be the right push and she could help set Alex up with one of the regular sponsors at the meetings. She figured that maybe this woman just needed an ear to lean on while she muddled through all her thoughts and feelings until she realized she needed help, that she needed to get clean. But here she was put in the position that she was sure her sponsor had been in just a few short years ago. Luc watched as Alex stared silently into her mug, her right hand coming up to pinch the bridge of her nose. Headache. The second part of the withdrawals. Clearing her throat gently Luc reached into her jacket pocket and pulled out a small bottle of aspirin.

"Take two of these. It'll help with the headache," She placed the bottle next to Alex's cup and sat back. Alex smiled at her gratefully and popped two pills into her mouth quickly swallowing them with a sip of her coffee.

"Do you really want to do this," Luc asked slowly letting her words sink into Alex. The serious tone was not lost on the DEO agent. "Because if you do," She continued," You need to start talking." Alex looked up at Luc and her gaze just admitted defeat. This woman who was probably this strong independent kickass woman was being reduced to nothing but a broken mess the longer she sat with Luc. The short haired woman knew this sight all too well. It wasn't a bad thing, no far from it, it was the stages just before the final break. It was the steps needed before the other woman would finally give in and let go.

Alex took a deep breath and began, "Six months ago I killed my father." Normally those words would make a person freak out but Luc had seen and heard enough in her lifetime to be unfazed. Alex's gaze flicked up to the other woman and when she saw no obvious signs of upset she continued, "This is going to be hard to follow because I can't explain the details of everything to you."

A soft knowing grin appeared on Luc's lips and she leaned in closer to Alex as if she was going to whisper a secret. "You work for the government," Luc stated nonchalantly, "I do too. So rest assured work talk will be the bare minimum. I don't ask, you don't tell." An amused glint danced in Luc's eyes as she whispered the last words and sat back. "But in all seriousness, I get it. Explain to me what you can."

The agent let out a long breath that she didn't realized she'd been holding. At least the woman across from her understood the importance of secrecy. Her admittance of working for the government set off a few warning bells. For a moment her mind flashed back to the night J'onn pretended to be her father to see if Alex would cross that line. Could he possibly being doing it again, pretending to be this seemingly nice stranger that offers her coffee and a chat in hopes of helping her and getting her to admit what happened. It did seem earlier that the woman read her mind which was one of J'onn's skills. Now Alex's suspicious were raised and her walls slammed right back off. She leaned back in her booth and regarded the woman carefully.

Luc saw the woman's demeanor shift and she knew right their that all the work she'd done getting the woman to open up slammed shut. All government types were the same. The second you mentioned you were government they closed themselves off and started thinking that you were a plant. Someone put in a specific place to get specific information. Working for the government could be a noble job but goddamn if it didn't leave you with trust issues and a complex.

"Like you I can't get into details," Luc explained, "But I can assure you I don't work for whatever agency you work for." Alex's interest was perked but as she looked deep into the woman's eyes she could she she was being genuine but still she was hesitant. With a sigh Luc pulled back her right arm and pushed the sleeve of her jacket up. She laid her arm back down on the table and Alex could see was appeared to be a tattoo of the Marine Corps. insignia. It all made sense at that point, yes she worked for the government. She was a soldier. Probably military intelligence Alex figured from the way she was so closed off and secretive herself. The haircut was also a dead give away.

"So do they make you all have that haircut," Alex joked as she pointed towards Luc's head. The woman across from her glared and laughed sarcastically as if to say 'you're a smartass'. "Sorry," Alex apologized, "Just needed to lighten the mood." Luc shook her head and took a sip of her coffee before she looked at Alex in expectancy. "Right," Alex started again, "Talking." Alex suddenly felt heavy. She suddenly felt like she had so much to say but she just couldn't get it out. Finally she fought through it and started again, "My father. He worked for the same agency but…" Alex stopped to gather her thoughts, "But he went rogue and in the end it was him or millions of innocent lives. I couldn't get him to stop….to give up…" Alex's voice cracked as her emotions overtook. Her head dropped into her hands and she vainly used her palms to press back the tears that brimmed her eyes. "I looked up to him so much and God he just became so evil," Alex whispered out.

Across from her Luc listened attentively. This was it. This was that last floodgate opening. If there was ever a time to stop and walk away it was now. Initially Luc had no interest in listening to the details of Alex's life, she had no interest in being her sponsor, but as she watched the emotions fill the woman across from her there was just something in her that pulled her forward. Something that just kept her rooted in the booth. "Even the best of us," Luc began gently, "Can become the worst."

Alex laughed harshly, "I was prepared to commit treason for him. Not just once but twice." Her face dropped into her hands and her fingers threaded through her tousled red locks. "I didn't though," She quickly added and looked at Luc seriously, "I think he knew that and even in his evil mind he knew I couldn't do that. That he couldn't let me do that and it's why….that's why he…" Her voice cracked and the tears finally felt from her broken brown eyes. Gently Luc reached out and placed her hand on Alex's forehand causing the woman to slowly bring her broken gaze back to her. The memory of that night flashed before Alex's eyes and Luc could tell it was not something any human could cope normally with. "All he had to do was give up. I could have helped him," Alex whispered behind her tears her throat closing up with the amount of heartbreak and twisting emotion lacing her words.

"Maybe he was too far gone for your help and he knew that," Luc reasoned softly as she squeezed Alex's arm to help ground her. "You did what you had to do for your country. For all those innocent lives and though it hurts and it doesn't feel right it was still the right thing to do."

The DEO agent nodded. She knew all that. She knew she had to do the right thing. She knew he had to die but it still ate her up inside. "T-That's what started the drinking," Alex explained, "I just couldn't handle the memories and the nightmares. I could hear his voice in my head all the time time telling me to shoot him. And that's what broke me. I don't even think it was the shooting him that get's to me, it's him begging me to shoot him. And when I didn't. When I refused to. He just got so cruel and that's when…." Her voice trailed off and left the statement hanging. She didn't need to elaborate for Luc to understand what he did next.

"That's when the drinking started. First it was just a glass or two when I got home. But then it became a few more than that and before I knew it I needed a few drinks just to get through the day. If any of my family or co-workers suspected they' never said anything. Even my so very blunt sister never said anything."

"Maybe for them it's been more of a 'if we ignore it it'll go away and we don't' have to deal.' If they know what you had to do then it's probably effecting them too. Sometimes in human nature it's just easier to ignore it all and keep it moving. Maybe that's what they're doing whereas you can't and the bottle is your 'keep it going'." Luc reasoned as she watched Alex process what she'd said. "Everyone copes in their own way. You can't begin to even understand how they're coping if you can't understand your own coping."

Alex just shrugged and stared down to the now ice cold cup of coffee she still help in her shaking hands. Her thoughts still ran a million miles a second but as she talked to Luc she felt some of the weight of her grief lifting. "So tell me about what brought you here tonight," The other woman asked as she flagged down the waitress. A small loving smiled crossed Alex's lips and her cheeks turned a rosy shade of pink from blushing. "Ah, yes it has to do with the girlfriend," Luc remembered as she raised her refilled cup to her lips. "So what did she do and what did you do?"

"She told me she loved me," Alex stated.

"And that had you running to a meeting and taking a stranger up on a cup of coffee? Please," Luc blew the other woman off and leaned in closer, "C'mon now give Luc the story, spare me no detail. You said earlier you told her you loved her but you were drunk."

Alex laughed and thought back to that night. It was still a haze even in her sober mind but her imagination had filled in the gaps after hearing Maggie explain it the next morning. "A few nights ago I got home to find my girlfriend waiting for me. I don't remember the night because I was too plastered. The next morning we met my sister for lunch and she wanted all the details. I was slightly sober but dying for a drink. I listened to her tell the story of how she made this romantic night for us. A romantic night that I don't remember but God I wish I did cause it sounded absolutely perfect. And then she apparently told me that she loved me and wanted to spend her life with me. I don't know if it was a proposal or not, I don't think it was because I don't have a ring." Alex stated as she held up her left hand to display a ringless finger. "But it was still a big deal. And I guess in my drunken haze I said the works back."

"And that's a bad thing because," Luc prompted. She already knew the answer but she needed Alex to say it. Alex needed to say out loud what she did so she could accept it and move on.

"It's a bad thing because I don't remember it and I wouldn't have said it if I was sober. I'm not ready for that kinda commitment. I feel for her yes and it's probably love but it scares the shit out of me." Alex explained heatedly. "This is my first serious relationship with a woman and I just don't want to screw it up but I already have."

Luc groaned and dropped her head back against the booth. "Oh dear God. Not only do I get a newbie AA-er but I also get a baby gay. Is this your idea of a cruel joke?" Luc said to no one in particular as she started up at the ceiling of the dinner as if she was talking to someone above her.

"Hey," Alex shot back at her words, "I may be new to the gay world but I'm no baby."

The woman across from her just rolled her eyes, she was in no mood to explain to her what she meant. "Look," Luc began, "The fact that you're scared to tell her that you love her and you're scared of the commitment means you're serious about her. It's a good thing not a bad. What's bad is how you've reacted; ie the drinking. I can understand the wanting to be sober when you tell her, I think that's for the best. But the only way to do that is to be honest with her and start the program."

"The program," Alex asked in confusion.

"AA is about a lot more than not drinking and getting a sponsor. There's steps. You have to make amends to those you've wronged like your girlfriend and even yourself. You have to be prepared to accept that you have a problem and you're ready to tackle it. You have to believe in something that is more than just yourself. It's not easy. Hell, I failed the program at least three times before I finally got my shit together."

Alex thought for a moment. Was she ready for that? Was she ready to finally give up alcohol? The logical part of her brain was screaming; yes do it! Where her body and the part of her brain that had become dependent on that chemical relaxation was screaming at her; no don't do it. But her heart. In the end her heart won. It was telling her calmly, not screaming, that she needed to do this. Not just for Maggie and her family but for herself. That this was not how she envisioned her life. If she could get through not remember the night the love of her life told her she loved her then how the hell did she expect to get through the moment Maggie or she proposes. Though at this point if Alex were to propose it'd probably be in a drunken frenzy which would really screw up her relationship. No. No she told herself. No she wanted to be sober the day that happened. She wanted to be stone cold sober the night she proposes or Maggie proposes because she wants to remember it. She wants to remember her wedding night. She wants to remember the day her children are born. She wants to remember it all and she knows now she can't do that if she stays on this path. If she continues to let the alcohol have power over her she will lose everything.

"I want to do this. I want to start the program," Alex said with conviction her eyes meeting Luc's and telling the woman all she needed to know.

"Alright. It won't be easy. The first step is the hardest. You will fall off the wagon it's inevitable but you will get back up and you will keep going. I'll be here as your sponsor and your confidant. Whatever you tell me stays between us. When you go to meetings, when you stand up there and you share your story it doesn't leave that room." Luc explained in detail. As she talked her hand reached back into the jacket that laid on the booth next to her. She pulled out a small worn blue book and placed it on the table next to Alex's hand. "Read this," Luc began, "It's not mandatory but it will help you understand that you are not the only one who has struggled with this disease."

Alex brushed Luc off with a laugh, "It's not a disease. It's just an issue that I'll get over."

"And you've already failed step one. Try again."

Alex rolled her eyes and picked up the book and flipped it open. Her mind wondering back to what Luc just said. Maybe it was a disease. She was a doctor she should know but I guess her own denial clouded her analytical mind. But if it was a disease who did she get it from? Her mother rarely indulged. And from what she remembered of her father he rarely if ever drank. Maybe a grandfather or grandmother? Who knew. But what she did know is it stopped with her.

"Ok, so maybe I do have a problem," Alex stated lowly.

"And that problem would be," Luc prompted gently as she attempted to catch the saddened look Alex had.

The agent took a deep breath and look right at Luc. "I have a problem with alcohol and I can't stop," Alex admitted in defeat before she looked away from Luc. The other woman's soft and understanding gaze making her uncomfortable.

Luc leaned over the table and placed her hand on Alex's arm again. "That's step one. Just remember that and hold on to it. You over power the alcohol, don't let the alcohol over power you."

A long moment passed between the two while Luc let Alex process the last few minutes. It takes a lot out of a person to realize and accept that they have a problem. It takes a bit of processing. The program wasn't a quick one week process, no it took months sometimes even years to complete. "So where do I go from here? What do I do next," Alex asked.

"Well you call that girl of yours right now and you tell her to get rid of every bottle of booze you have. Then you go home and you sit her down and you tell her the truth. And I mean the whole truth, including that night."

Alex shook her head vehemently, "No. I can't tell her I'm doing this. Not yet. I want to make sure I can do this. I don't want to get their hopes up and then let them down. I have to be sure before I tell them"

Luc didn't like the sound of that but she understood it. So many people around alcoholics had to deal with the constant let down. Some understood it while others didn't. "You cannot successfully complete the program without support. You need to tell them, they need to go through this with you."

"J-Just give me," Alex began shakily her thoughts racing and her body humming even more for a drink. "Just give me a month, please. Let me make sure I can get that far and then I'll tell them. I just want to be sure."

"Ok. You tell them when you're ready then. Until then I'm here." Luc stated as she grabbed a napkin from the holder next to her quickly she jotted down a number and started to slide it towards Alex. The other woman reached out for it but Luc kept her hand over it, effectively denying Alex the information. "I can trust that you won't take this back to your agency and run it," Luc asked seriously her eyes boring into Alex's gaze.

Alex nodded and placed her hand over the other woman's in assurance. "I will not run it. Just as you have promised me your confidence and privacy I promise you the same." Her words were honest and gentle. Luc removed her hand and Alex glanced down to see the woman's cell number and name written on the napkin.

She took the napkin and placed it in her jacket pocket. The two remained silent for a moment before Alex glanced at her watch, her eyes bugging when she realized it was just after 4 in the morning. "I need to get home before my girlfriend worries," She stated as she started to pull random bills from her pocket.

Luc reached out and stopped her, "First cup is on me. Now go home, cuddle that woman you love so much but won't admit you love, and I don't know...take the day off." Luc suggested flippantly with an amused smiled.

Alex laughed deeply and shook her head quick. "I don't do days off. I have too much to do."

"It didn't seem like you did if you spent most of your day drinking in your office like you said," Luc stated bluntly causing Alex to sigh in defeat.

"Maybe I should take the day off," Alex reasoned to herself causing Luc to agree.

"Take the day off and spend some time with those you love. If you won't tell them what you're doing yet then at least keep them close and feel their love. It'll help spur on your desire to stay sober. You have support whether they know or not so use it. And stay away from anything with alcohol...mouthwash included," Luc joked lightly to break the seriousness of the mood.

Alex thanked the other woman and promised to call if the urge for a drink got to be too much. She rose from the booth and started towards the door before Luc's voice chasing after her, "Have a good morning, Anonymous." Luc stated teasingly as she watched the woman leave.

The agent stopped and turned to face the woman that was still sitting in the booth. "You know if we're gonna do this you should probably know me by my real name."

"I don't know. I think anonymous fits pretty well," Luc stated back in amusement.

The redhead laughed again and stated, "Alex. My names Alex."

Luc nodded and looked Alex over as if to see if the name fit the person. "Well, Alex you have a good morning."

"You too, Luc." Alex stated as she finally turned and exited the diner. She walked slowly to her bike parked in front of the diner. As she rode home a confidant and determined smiled grazed her lips. And when she crawled into bed next to Maggie, draping her arm over the other woman, and placing a gentle kiss to her shoulder causing the other woman to stir and roll over in her arms. Alex knew at that moment as she looked down at the love of her life that she was doing the right thing. Not just for Maggie and their relationship but for herself.


	3. Chapter 3

Alex made it two days. Well thirty-two hours if you wanted to get technical. But that was close enough to two days, right? Thirty-two hours without a drop of alcohol in her system. It was hard and it was long but she'd done it. She'd gotten home after her night with Luc and crawled into bed with Maggie. She'd decided to take Luc's suggestion of a day off and called J'onn. The man was more than a little surprised that Alex was requesting a sick day but he was more than happy to give it to her, so happy actually that he gave her three. Then he concluded the call with a suggestion of his own: take more time off. Alex told him she'd consider it but for now the three days would be enough. And as luck would have it, Maggie had the day off as well or well she did unless she got called in. The joys of on call shifts. You get the day off but you don't really get the day off, you're just constantly anxious as to when you're gonna get that call that's more of teasing slap in the face. But nonetheless, she had the day with Maggie. Alex treated her to lunch and an afternoon movie. Although Maggie didn't find going to see the new Power Rangers movie much fun. Alex thought it was awesome while Maggie just begrudgingly sat next to her and counted the minutes until it was over. Unbeknownst to Alex, Maggie found her enthusiasm for the movie down right adorable and she could kinda see the appeal the movie had to someone like Alex.

She'd taken that whole day to just focus on Maggie. Focus on the one thing that could keep her thoughts of alcohol and drinking at bay. And that's what she did. The lunch, then the movie, then the walk along the river. All of it was to keep her mind on anything but the alcohol that her body was screaming for. If Maggie had any idea that Alex was struggling she didn't let on. Maybe the smaller woman did cause not once did she suggest they go to the bar or have a glass of beer with lunch. She didn't say anything when she watched Alex pick up the beer menu at the restaurant and stare at it for a long moment before handing it to the waiter with a brisk, "We won't be needing this." But then again this was Maggie and if Maggie was anything it was extremely observant and patient.

But of course all good things have to come to an end. Maggie got called in. She'd apologized to Alex with a quick kiss and a promise of continuing their time together when she got home. Home. Maggie and her home. The thought brought a smile to Alex's lips. Everything about Maggie was home. Home wasn't a place for her. Home was a person. A very short spitfire of a person and Alex wouldn't have it any other way. However, as soon as Maggie was gone the need for a drink crept back in by ten fold. She no longer had Maggie to focus her attention on. She'd tried going home and watching TV for a bit but her eyes kept moving over to the bottles that still sat above her fridge mocking her. In a sudden bout of anger she'd stormed over to the fridge to all the bottles and quickly so not to give it another thought, attempted to pour them all down the drain. But no sooner did she open the first bottle, a nice expensive bottle of Gentleman Jack with Honey that James had bought her for her birthday, and the smell hit her nose did her hand shake and she stopped. Her brain screamed at her to keep going...to pour it all down the sink and be done with it but she just couldn't. The smell was so sweet and enticing, the thought of the liquid hitting her tongue made her mouth water. The memory of the sweet burn it caused as it slipped down her throat and hit just the right spot in her belly causing a warm feeling to crawl up her. God, how she just longed to feel the burn of it coursing through her body. The temptation was just too great and Alex raised the bottle to her lips. Her eyes slipped close in what had to be close to ecstasy as the amber liquid hit her tongue. Alex swallowed the shot and let the calm over take her. Within seconds she felt that pleasant burn of alcohol in her stomach and the warm feeling that came with it spreading over her body. And just like that everything stopped. Finally silence filled her mind and that part of her that was screaming for a drink said, 'YES,' with all too much excitement.

That was only the beginning. Now Alex sat in a bar that she'd never been to before on the other side of town nursing a glass of her favorite whiskey. She twirled the liquid around in the glass and just enjoyed the silence she had in her head for the first time in days. Alex figured she should take more breaks from alcohol cause it just makes the feeling even better when she has a drink. Alex raised the glass to her lips and took another slow sip, enjoying the burn of the liquid as it slipped down her throat.

Alex didn't need to look when she heard the stool next to her scrape against the floor and a body settle in next to her. She knew who it was, she'd called her after her third drink at the bar. After her third glass a new voice had appeared in her head and this one was so different. Unlike the other voices this one just got louder and louder as she drank. This one told her over and over again what a mistake she was making. How she'd just throw everything away if she kept doing this. This voice told her who to call. This voice had to be her conscience.

"Well," Luc began and Alex braced herself for the angry words she was sure her sponsor was about to deal. At this point she was so not ready for a lecture. She was a hopeless cause and she didn't want to waste this woman's time. That's why Alex had called her. She'd called her with the intent of telling her that she gave up. She wasn't doing it. This proved that she couldn't do it. She could face down aliens and kick ass but she couldn't face sobriety and she was completely ok with that. Or so she thought. She just wanted Luc to see that she couldn't be helped so the woman wouldn't waste her time.

"You lasted longer than I thought you would," Luc continued her gaze fixed on the back wall of the bar. The bartender stopped in front of her and asked what she was drinking, she of course replied with water just water.

Next to her Alex snorted at her reply and downed the last of the glass, she motioned to the bartender to pour her another but he hesitated. His gaze flicked to Luc, then Alex, then back to the bottle he had in his hand. He looked to Luc for permission and the short haired woman just nodded him on as if to say, 'I'm not her keeper.' He poured Alex another glass before quickly moving to deal with the other few customers he had.

"So I think we can conclude that this," Alex gestured between them, "Isn't going to work." And with that she took a long sip of her drink.

"Why are you so quick to give up on yourself," Luc asked softly before she raised her glass of water to her lips. "Last night you were so ready and so willing and now what? You think you're too broken to be fixed? You're the only one that thinks that, Alex." Her words were soft and it made Alex's gut churn in regret. "I told you," Luc continued softly turning in her stool to face Alex, "It was inevitable that you would fall off the wagon. We all do, more than once actually. And I told you this wouldn't be easy."

Alex sighed heavily and raised the glass to her lips once again. "I'm tired of having to take the hard way ok. I'm tired of having to be strong for everyone else. I'm so tired of having to be the perfect one."

"You don't have to be perfect with me, Alex and I'm sure you don't have to be perfect with your girl either you just think you do."

The agent laughed harshly and took another sip of her whiskey, "I do. I made today all perfect for her and then she had to go to work. Which I can't blame her for, I don't blame her for. And for a moment in my own apartment I almost did it. I almost poured it all down the drain but I just couldn't. If I'd poured it down the drain I'd be perfect but I can't."

Luc leaned forward and placed her hand on the other woman's arm. "Pouring out all your alcohol won't make you perfect. I told you, life isn't perfect. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can start healing. You don't need to be perfect, you just need to be strong."

Alex clutched her glass harder and her gaze whipped to Luc, her eyes burned with rage. "Maybe I'm tired of being so goddamn strong," she growled and downed the last of the whiskey in her glass before she motioned to the bartender for another. He quickly complied before once again moving away from the two. He could tell that Alex was volatile at the moment and he wanted nothing to do with it. "I can't do this," Alex whispered in defeat.

"Cant?" Luc asked bluntly, "Or won't? Cause at this point all I'm seeing is you giving up and it's pathetic. What would your woman think right now if she saw you?" Luc asked angrily. She didn't mean to get upset with Alex but she just knew this woman had to be a strong person and to see her this low and self loathing just pissed her off. Sometimes you just need a good kick in the ass and right now that's exactly what Alex needed.

The redhead stopped for a moment and thought of Maggie. What would Maggie think if she saw Alex like this. If she saw Alex drowning herself in a bottle and her self loathing. What would she think if she saw Alex so absolutely broken? Would she be angry? Would she understand? Alex wanted to hope that she'd understand and she'd be gentle and loving, that she's drag her home like she did the night she picked her up at the bar. That she'd nurse her back to herself and tell her she loved her. That's what Alex hoped but part of her said that she'd probably be a little less understanding if she knew the whole truth.

Luc watched the emotions play over Alex's face. She watched as Alex came to realize that she was right. This wasn't what she should be doing. That it was more of a matter of won't verus can't. "So you got two options here, Alex," Luc stated, "You can sit here and finish that glass and give up or you can come with me and try again. Cause when you fall, and I promise you, you will fall again and again, you have to get back up and try. But if you chose to stay here and finish that drink then when you get home and you're so drunk you can't even see straight you take that service weapon of yours and you put yourself out of your misery. Do it now before you continue down this road and lose everyone around you because of your loathing self hatred. Because when you get to that point you won't have anyone to keep your from pulling that trigger and your life will truly be over whether you're physically alive or not."

Luc knew her words were harsh but it was the truth. Alex stood on the precipice, behind her was the path of alcoholism and no doubt her eventual suicide. Before her, over that ledge, was the beginning of a new sober healthier life. This was one situation in life where she needed to jump off a cliff.

"But right now, Alex," The short haired woman continued as she leaned closer to Alex her arm coming up to wrap around her shoulders. "You have so many people that I have no doubt want to help you and support you, myself included. So put the glass down and come with me." And with that Luc took the glass from Alex's limp fingers and slid it out of Alex's reach. The redhead didn't object instead she hung her head low and nodded. Next to her Luc stood and held out her hand to Alex.

The other woman's gaze moved from her hand to the still full glass of whiskey. Part of her just wanted to finish that glass but another part of her, that voice that popped up after her third glass came back. It spurred her on and without a second thought she rose and took Luc's hand.

"So," Alex stated as she tossed a few large bills down on the bar-top to pay for her drinks, "Where are we going?"

"You'll see," Luc stated cryptically as she made her way towards the exit of the bar. Alex followed quickly behind. Her legs felt like jelly from the amount of alcohol she had coursing through her and she was trying vainly not to fall over. Luc took pity on her and grabbed her arm to help her. Luc lead her to a black lifted four door jeep wrangler, she propped the clearly inebriated Alex against the side of the jeep and opened the passenger door. Carefully she helped Alex climb into the front seat before shutting the door. She then walked over to the driver's side and got in. "So help me God, Alex if you yak in my car we are so done. They will not find your body." Luc said seriously as she turned the key in the ignition.

Alex laughed and rested her head back against the headrest, her eyes slipping closed as she relaxed in the hum of the alcohol running through her body. "Relax. I'll give you fair warning. But I'll have you know, my girlfriend is a detective. You kill me and she'll find you." Alex teasingly replied an amused grin crossing her face. Beside her Luc mumbled something but Alex couldn't make it out, frankly she didn't want to. She just wanted to sit there and relish in the warm buzz she had going on.

A few minutes later the jeep came to a stop and Alex slowly opened her eyes. She took in her surroundings and realized she was right back at the church where the AA meeting she'd attended the night before was held. "Seriously?" Alex asked in disbelief, "You're taking me to a meeting?"

"Trust me you could use one," Luc responded as she got out of the jeep. She walked around and opened the door for Alex. "Well c'mon sobriety waits for no one," Luc said she she helped Alex slide drunkenly out of the jeep. She helped Alex stumble down the stairs to the meeting room. Carefully so not to disturb the meeting that was currently in progress, she helped Alex into a chair then sat next to her. The redheaded woman happily took a seat before leaning forward on her knees and dropping her head in her hands. The room was spinning like a goddamn tornado picked her up. She hear a chair to the right of her scrape along the floor but she didn't look up, she knew that Luc was still right next to her probably listening to the woman at the podium giving her sob story.

"You know, Luc," A male voice began, "I don't think this is what Danni had in mind when she told you to pass it on."

"Well like her, I don't like to take the easy route," Luc responded to the guy.

A deep male laugh responded, "Clearly."

"Personally I think this is a cruel joke from her," Luc stated nonchalantly.

"Why do you say that," The guy asked.

Luc gestured to a clearly on the verge of passing out Alex. "She's a newbie and a baby gay," The short haired woman supplied.

"Oh that's a double whammie but that would be Danni." The guy answered back with a laugh. The two didn't say anything for a long moment both lost in a memory. "Well I gotta get back. It was good seeing you, Luc." The man rose and placed a hand on Luc's shoulder giving her a light squeeze. "You need anything you let me know." He stopped for a moment almost contemplating what he should say next. "It'll be a year next month and I know it's gonna be hard for me, I can only imagine how hard it'll be for you. So don't hesitate."

Luc reached up and squeeze the hand that was on her shoulder. She looked up at the tall man with a grateful smile. "Thanks, Cruz." The man just nodded before leaving quietly.

"Old friend," Alex croaked from beside her knocking Luc from her thoughts.

"Sorta. He was my sponsor's…" Luc stopped for a moment trying to find the right words. "He was her partner, maybe even her best friend but she'd never admit it."

Alex ran her fingers through her hair and sat up. The alcohol was still running through her system but she could slowly feel herself coming down and sobering up. As each minute passed she could feel her buzz dissipating. Part of her was upset while the other part of her was so relieved. "What happened to her, if I can ask?" Alex looked over to Luc and saw the woman staring at the air in front of her a lost look on her face.

"She was killed in the line of duty eleven months ago," Luc said sadly her gaze dropping down to play with the black band that fit snugly against her wrist.

Suddenly something clicked in Alex's mind. She vaguely remembered when she first met Maggie that the detective had mentioned a shooting and a funeral a few months or so before they met. A fallen officer. A fallen sister. A fallen friend. Killed in the line of duty during a hostage incident. Maggie had mentioned the officer's name but Alex didn't think anything of it at the moment. Or really until now. The same funeral Maggie had been so upset about attending was the funeral for her sponsor's sponsor. What a small, small world she lived in. Alex watched Luc carefully. The woman appeared to be unaffected but Alex could tell by just the smallest hint of a frown on the woman's lips that she was upset. Slowly she reached out and took Luc's hand. The woman next to her shook a little and then glanced up to Alex in confusion.

"She," Alex whispered gently, "She was more than a sponsor wasn't she?"

Luc looked away in shame. She shouldn't have been but she was. It was like one of the first rules of being a sponsor: don't get involved with your sponsee ever. Luc just nodded slowly her mind drifting off into the memories of the woman in question. Her own little spitfire. "She hadn't been my sponsor for a while. I'd been sober for close to a year. I just got back from a deployment and I needed a drink so I went to a meeting. She was there and one thing led to another which led to another. It was the best eight and a half months of my life." Luc finished, tears threatened to fall as she thought of the other woman. Quickly she wiped them away and cleared her throat.

Alex knew what that meant. The conversation was over. The other woman had opened up to her enough. With one last squeeze of her hand Alex pulled away and turned her attention to the guy that now stood at the front of the room giving his story.

"Where do we go from here," Alex asked as she watched the guy conclude his story and step away from the podium. Luc slowly glanced at her before rising from her chair. Alex quickly glanced at her, afraid that maybe the woman was leaving but instead she watched as Luc slowly made her way to the front of the room. And it all made sense. This was a place to share. A place to pull strength and support from. And like Alex, in this moment, Luc needed the strength and support just as much as she did. Alex wondered how Luc had managed to stay sober after she'd lost the love of her life. Cause if you asked Alex what she'd do if Maggie, God forbid, died tomorrow Alex would tell you she'd drown herself in a bottle until her inhibitions were so low she'd eat her gun. But instead Luc had for all Alex knew stayed sober. Maybe the guy, Cruz was it, that she was talking to helped. Maybe it was the meetings. Maybe Luc did fall off the wagon as she so put it to Alex a short hour ago. Or maybe, just maybe, the faith this Danni woman had in Luc is what kept her sober. Alex figured she'd never know. Or at least she wouldn't know unless the woman felt comfortable enough to open up to her. But Alex figured if someone like Luc could get sober and stay sober after losing the most important person in her life then Alex could get sober and stay sober for the most important person in her life and for herself. So Alex sat and she listened as Luc told her story.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a very, very short chapter but I hope it gives you all a little look into Luc's reasons for wanting to help Alex. It's just a little backstory. I'm hoping to get a chapter out a day but I work long hours so don't be surprised if the updates are short. I'm glad you're all enjoying this because I really have no idea where I'm going with this other than to Alex's eventual sobriety.

Luc stood nervously at the front of the room. This wasn't the first time she'd stood up here and it certainly wouldn't be her last but each time was always nerve wracking. She leaned against the podium and thought for a moment about where she was going to start. Most of the people in this room knew her, they knew her story and what she went through. But there was one person that didn't know her story. However, now was not the time. No right now, she had a different story to tell. Luc herself had some things she had to get off her chest.

"I've been sober for three years," Luc began, "Most of you here know me and know that but what a lot of you don't know is that eleven months ago I lost someone very, very close to me. This is the first time in those eleven months that I've stood up here with the intention of actually talking. Most of the time I stand up here and give you guys the abbreviated version of my struggle but tonight I need to talk cause if I don't there's a bottle of Jack in the back compartment of my jeep that's just calling my name." A harsh laugh escaped the woman.

Alex lurched, she wasn't expecting those words to come from the one woman that had been pushing her not to drink. Worry started to creep up Alex and she started to wonder just how long she'd had that bottle. Did she buy it because of Alex? Was what she doing with Alex driving her to that edge? Was Alex triggering her? Her thoughts raced and her heart rate sped up. She didn't want to be the reason that someone tossed away their sobriety. It was one thing for Alex to toss her own sobriety away and ruin her own life but it was one thing to screw up someone else.

Luc clearing her throat brought Alex back to the present and she listened intently as Luc continued with story of struggle. "I bought that bottle the night of her funeral and I wanted nothing more than to get lost in it. I guess part of me figured that I'd get drunk enough and finally do myself in. Why keep living when the only reason you ever had to live was dead, right?" Luc stated rhetorically. She dropped her head and tried in vain to fight back the tears that burned behind her eyes.

"She was my saving grace. It took two years and a very long tour in the Middle East for me to realize it but when I got back and I saw her again for the first time, I just knew. I just knew that the good Lord made our paths cross over and over again for a reason. And although she was against it in the beginning….oh she was so against it...she loved me. She kept me sober, not because she loved me, but because she taught me how to love and forgive myself. I didn't stay sober for her, I stayed sober for me because she made me want to be a better person."

Emotion choked Luc's words and she had to stop for a moment. Her mind drifted back to the last time she'd seen her. It was a brisk summer morning and she and Danni had just finished their morning run. The two had stopped at their favorite cafe on the way back to Danni's place. Danni was on call once again and Luc had the day off so the two figured they'd take some much needed R & R and just spend the day lounging. That was until Danni got called in. If Luc had known that she'd share her last kiss with the other woman in the middle of a busy cafe in downtown National City she'd have made it last, not left it as a quick peck on the lips. But hindsight is 20/20. So instead hours later she opened the door to find Danni's partner and her best friend standing in front of two uniformed NCPD officers. They didn't have to say anything. Luc knew what it meant and he whole world collapsed. Cruz refused to leave her, he shooed the other woman and two uniforms away and stayed with Luc. He let her yell and scream, cry and beg, he let her break much the way Danni had let her while she struggled with her up hill battle towards sobriety. So was so very thankful for him.

"Everyday I've been fighting that urge. That deep rooted desire to just get lost in my vice. You all know what I'm talking about," Luc directed to the small crowd of attendees most of them humming in agreement. "And some days I've almost lost. God, I wanted to lose but then I thought of her and I realize that I can't tarnish her memory like that. So instead," Luc said with purpose her gaze drifting up to lock with Alex's, "I pick myself up and I keep moving because if I can stay sober after losing the love of my life then the rest of you can stay sober for whatever your own reasons are. Thank you."

And with that Luc pulled herself from the podium and started back towards where Alex was sitting. The room clapped briefly and thanked her for sharing before the moderator of the meeting took to the podium and concluded that night's meeting.

Alex rose to unsteady feet as Luc got closer to her, she shoved her hands in her pockets and stood nervously. She wasn't really sure why she was nervous. "So," Alex began a little twinkle appearing in her eyes, "I don't know about you but I could use a cup of coffee that's so hot and delicious I'll feel it in my soul."

Luc just laughed at her and rolled her eyes before walking towards the door. Alex quickly followed after her own mind running a million miles an hour but not about her own life. No Alex found herself wondering about the woman she'd met in this very room almost 48 hours ago.


	5. Chapter 5

Alex rolled around in her large comfy bed in absolute agony. Her whole body shook and ached, her stomach screamed in pain from the amount of vomiting she'd done. We're talking such violent vomiting that it would put the pea soup vomit scene in the exorcist to shame. Her shirt and sweat pants were soaked in sweat and she'd only put them on an hour ago. She didn't care to think about what her sheets and blankets probably looked like...or smelled like at this point. Her heart raced and every inch of her body felt like she was on fire.

This ladies and gentlemen was full blown withdrawals.

She'd felt alright for the first eight or so hours after she'd stopped drinking. The alcohol she'd consumed the night before had dissipated from her system as she sat with Luc in the dinner. They'd talked briefly about the 12 steps and what she needed to start focusing on. Luc told her it was better to get into the details of the program after she'd gone through the withdrawals and was 100% sober. Alex agreed, she wanted her mind to be clear so she could focus.

But no sooner had Luc dropped her off at her building and Alex had trudged up the stairs to her empty apartment did it hit her. She was grateful that Maggie had chosen to crash at her own place for the night. It was closer to the station and the new case she caught had her running the streets until all hours of the morning. That left Alex alone to get through her withdrawal. Alex was a doctor she knew how long it would take before all the alcohol was out of her system and the withdrawal symptoms subsided. She knew it was going to be a long few days at the minimum. And that's what lead her to calling J'onn at about 5am and telling him that she'd caught that flu bug that was going around and she'd need another three sick days. The man didn't argue, actually he was relieved. He'd been trying to get Alex to take some time off for weeks and she always refused. He hated how she worked herself so hard, he knew she must had been under so much stress. He may not be human but even as a Martian he understood the need to take some good old time off to just relax. He was happy to give Alex that even if it was in the form of sick days due to the stomach bug. Alex had thanked him and apologized over and over for not being able to work. Of course he brushed it off each time and told her to just feel better.

Next came the call to Kara. She knew if she didn't call and explain to her sister that she was just sick and she'd asked for the time off the younger Danvers woman would be beating down her door. Even Kara knew it wasn't normal for Alex to take time off, sick or otherwise. So after a fifteen minute call and Alex telling her over and over that she'd be fine, that she just wanted to be left alone to nurse herself back to health Kara agreed to leave her be for a few days. Alex was grateful. It wasn't that she didn't want the help she just didn't want the questions that would come. She didn't want the judgement she knew they'd have but wouldn't show. Alex just wanted to get through this without the pity.

Then came the call to Maggie. Sweet amazing Maggie who Alex knew would be the absolute perfect girlfriend while she was sick. The person Alex knew would more than happy cook her chicken noodle soup and hold her hair back while she puked for the six hundredth time. Who would order her ever so many hours to strip off the sweat soaked clothes she wore and take a cool shower while she changed the sheets and washed the blankets. Maggie would be everything that Alex so wanted at that moment but knew she didn't deserve. That's what it came down to, that's why Alex had called her and told her to stay at her place for a few days. She gave the other woman the same excuse she gave J'onn and Kara: nasty bug that she didn't want them to catch. Maggie bought it but of course she argued with Alex, she wanted to be there for her girlfriend. Alex had refused, she firmly believed that right now she didn't deserve that kind of care from someone who loved her. Someone who didn't know her secret. Who didn't know why she was so sick in the first place. So instead Alex turned her offers down and just told her she'd slept it all off and called her as soon as she felt well enough to see her. Maggie had begrudgingly agreed. It wasn't lost on either of them when Maggie said those three words as a goodbye and Alex didn't reply. Alex felt horrible but she just couldn't bring herself to allow those words to pass her lips, not until she was sober.

Alex had summarized after a couple hours that she could live with the headache, the vomiting, and the loss of appetite but she couldn't live with the shakes and the sweating. God anything but the shakes and the pouring of sweat off her body. She attempted to just roll over and sleep like she did for most hangovers but the suddenly lunging need to vomit that took root in her throat told her this was nothing like a hangover. She shot out of bed like her ass was on fire and found herself clutching her porcelain toilet as her body violently expelled the contents, or lack thereof, of her stomach.

Just when she thought she could take a breath and sit back to get her bearings again another wave of violent nausea hit her and she leaned over the edge of the toilet to expel even more from her stomach. With shaking hands she reached into the pocket of her sweatpants and pulled out her cell phone. With trembling fingers and a still queasy stomach, Alex quickly typed out a message to the only person at the moment that could help her. The reply came quick and Alex was grateful before she had to abruptly lean over the toilet to vomit again.

Forty-five minutes later there was a knock at her door. Alex limply dragged herself to the door and flipped the lock tossing a quick 'it's open' over her shoulder as she made her way back to her bed.

"I come bearing gifts!" Came Luc's overly enthusiastic greeting as she stepped into the apartment and held up to plastic bags. She set them on Alex's kitchen island and turned just in time to see Alex collapse on her bed. The other woman groaned and it caused Luc to laugh. "Does the sound of my overly happy voice make you want to kill me," She asked jokingly as she moved towards Alex.

"Yes," Came Alex's grumpy reply as she pressed her face into her pillow. She smiled when she realized that if she took a deep breath she could still smell Maggie's perfume.

Luc moved back to the kitchen island and began pulling things out of the bag and setting them on the counter. She moved to Alex's cabinets and after a few moments of opening every cabinet the woman had she found the one that held the glasses. She pulled a tall glass out and moved back to the island, she opened one of the bottles she'd brought, and poured a pale green liquid into the glass. She then walked back to the bed where Alex lay. "C'mon now sit up and drink this, it'll help." She said as she coaxed Alex into a sitting position. She handed the woman the glass and watched as Alex scrunched her face up at it. "Here's to the beginning of your new life," Luce said a she urged Alex to drink the liquid.

Alex laughed, "Funny how you say new life when I feel like I'm dying."

"From the ashes the phoenix rises," Luc replied with a smile.

The redhead rolled her eyes and took a sip of the liquid, "God! What is that?" She asked in horror, her stomach lurched and for a brief second she thought she was going to throw up all over Luc.

"It's pedialyte," Luc replied with an amused smile, "I know it doesn't taste very well but it'll help. You gotta get some fluids in your system with the vomiting we can't have you getting too dehydrated. This is better than gatorade at this point, it won't hurt so bad coming back up. I mean its gonna hurt but trust me it's better than the gatorade coming back up." Alex knew she was right, I mean she was a doctor after all so she knew these things. Of course right now everything was a haze and she didn't feel like being a doctor at the moment.

Alex slowly sipped the pedialyte with a grimace on her face. "You know," She began sourly, "You don't have to take the 'baby gay' thing so serious and make me drink baby drinks. Pedialyte is for kids."

Luc giggled and turned to walk back to the kitchen, "I hadn't thought of it that way but I guess it's fitting."

Alex only rolled her eyes in annoyance and continued to sip her drink. She was grateful that at the moment she could actually keep something down, even if it was a gross kiddie drink. She watched as Luc kinda made herself at home, she put the remaining pedialyte and the few gatorades she picked up in the fridge. Then she placed a few cans of what Alex assumed was soup on the counter near the coffee pot. She was no Maggie but Alex figured at the moment it was the best she was going to get. She finished off the drink and placed the glass on the table next to her bed before she snuggled down into her comforter. Her shakes were getting worse and the sweat that caked her skin was making her chilly. She watched from her place in bed as Luc tried to inconspicuously check out her apartment.

The short haired woman wandered from the kitchen towards the fireplace. She figured she'd leave Alex to finish her "baby drink" in silence rather than risk poking the grumpy bear some more. She took note of the pictures that lined the mantle above Alex's fireplace. There were photos of Alex and who she assumed was Alex's family and friends. There was one of Alex and a blonde who Luc assumed was the sister that Alex had mentioned. There was a photo of an older woman who she assumed was Alex's mother. Then one of a dark haired man and a younger Alex, that had to be her father Luc concluded. Then there was a group photo, Alex and six other people all smiling at the camera as if they hadn't a worry in the world. Luc smiled to herself. From what it looked like Alex had a large support system, a support system that she should be using but refuses too. It drove Luc a little crazy but part of her could understand the other woman's hesitance. Part of her was even jealous, what she wouldn't have given to have just one or two more people other than Danni to support her when she got clean.

Luc continued looking over the pictures until her gaze crossed over a picture of Alex, her arms wrapped tightly around another woman and her chin resting on the woman's shoulder. The other woman in turn had her hands over Alex's and was leaning back into the embrace. Luc froze. God, the world was just too, too small. She knew the woman in the picture with Alex. Oh she knew the woman all too well. In the picture with Alex was Maggie. Detective Maggie Sawyer. Or as Luc knew her, Danni's partner and closest friend on the force after Cruz of course. Luc hadn't seen Maggie in months though, not since the funeral. Not since the night Luc had to pick up her drunken ass in a bar on the wrong side of town after she'd gotten into a bar fight. The two had lost touch after that, it way it was too painful for either of them. Maggie blamed herself for Danni's death and for a while Luc blamed her too. But the time Luc had gotten over it and forgiven the other woman Maggie had severed all ties and transferred to a new unit. Luc felt that it was better to just leave things as they were and move on.

Alex shooting up out of the bed and into the bathroom knocked Luc from her thoughts. She glanced towards the bathroom and watched as Alex's violently emptied the contents of her stomach. For a moment she contemplated asking Alex about Maggie, maybe even admitting to the other woman that she knew her girlfriend. But in the end she decided against it, figuring it was best to just be Alex's sponsor at the moment and let things go from there.

The redhead finished her violent bout of vomiting and moved back to her bed, moaning in pain as she flopped back down. Luc snapped out of it and moved towards the bed. "Nope, you're gonna get up and shower while I change these sheets." The woman said as she shooed a grumbling Alex out of the bed and towards the bathroom.

"Oh now you wanna help? Where were you a second ago when I was puking my guts out. You could have held my hair like a good sponsor," Alex stated sarcastically as she stumbled into the bathroom and turned the shower on.

"Uh that's a no," Luc said quickly, "I'm what you call a sympathetic puker. You puke. I puke. It's a vicious cycle. All I can offer you is pedialyte, chicken noodle soup, and endless amounts of sarcasm with the occasional bright enthusiasm to get sober."

Alex shot her a glare that would have any other human being quaking in fear instead Luc just smiled smugly. The DEO agent rolled her eyes and slammed the door shut to take her shower. Twenty minutes later she exited her bathroom feeling refreshed and clean even though she was still queasy and shaky. She slowly shuffled back to her bed where she found it perfectly made with all new sheets and blankets. She crawled under the large comforter and snuggled down. Her gaze drifted towards her kitchen where she found Luc standing at the sink her back to Alex. On the kitchen island various liquor bottles littered the counter, some were full while most were empty. Luc had found Alex's stash. The stash that Alex just hadn't found the strength to dump. Well it appeared Luc was handling that for her.

"Please tell me you did not dump out the almost full bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue Label," Alex pleaded as she realized that Luc had found every bottle of liquid that Alex had, including the bottle that she hid from Maggie.

Luc slowly turned around and faced Alex, a sympathetic smile on her face as she held up said bottle. "Sorry, Al but it had to go," She said gently as she placed the bottle down on the counter.

Alex's eyes bugged out of her head and if she wasn't so exhausted and shaky should would have be across that apartment faster than you could say 'oops' and killed Luc. "T-That...That's…." Alex stuttered, the shock of what Luc had done making her falter. "You do know that was a $200 bottle of whiskey that you just dumped down my kitchen sink?" Alex asked incredulously, "You don't dump something like that. I could have given it to my girlfriend to take or even my sister!"

"You know as well as I do, Alex that if you kept that bottle the only place it would end up is in your system," Luc stated evenly the words stinging Alex's with their honesty. The other woman was right, if the bottle had stayed she would have ended up drinking it. "And yes, I do know how expensive that bottle was and I'll admit it hurt to dump it but it had to be done."

The agent refused to vocally agree with her, instead she just glared at her hotly and watched as Luc went back to dumping all the bottles out. When every last drop of alcohol Alex had in her apartment was dumped down the drain, Luc placed all the bottles at one end of the counter with the intention of eventually putting them in a garbage bag. But for now she wanted them to stay where Alex could see them. Where they could be a reminder to the other woman of why she was doing what she was doing. The whole thing took less than 45 minutes. And now here Alex was going through withdrawals without a single drop of alcohol within a 1,000 square foot radius. Part of her felt relieved and so free, the other part of her felt so lonely and tapped. But she didn't have long to focus on her mixed emotions about her booze stash being dumped, her withdrawal symptoms were back and they were back with a vengeance.

And that's how Alex spend the rest of her night and most of the next few days. If she wasn't violently throwing up she was attempting a restless sleep. Occasionally she would get up to shower and change while Luc swapped out her soiled bedding for some clean sheets and a blanket. Luc would get her to eat a little of something every few hours and of course she'd made her drink that horrible pedialyte. Then came the agitation. She was glad that apparently Luc had experience with alcohol withdrawal because when Alex got to the point where she was just so agitated with the other woman Luc just blew her off. At one point, every single thing Luc did or said pissed Alex off and she just snapped. She yelled and screamed at the woman, she was pretty sure that at one point she even threw a bowl at her. But Luc never faltered, she never got mad back. She just sighed, cleaned up the mess, and left Alex to sleep or vomit again. In a way she kinda reminded her of Maggie. Both Luc and Maggie were patient and kind, supportive and understanding, sweet and probably loving if Alex knew Luc well enough to say that about her. Luc remained ever steadfast and supportive as Alex progressed through her withdrawal and though Alex would probably be hard pressed to admit it at the moment she was very grateful for the other woman.

On day five Alex woke to a key the lock and the sound of her front door slowly opening, Maggie's sweet concerned voice filtering in. Alex quickly sat up and looked around her apartment. Her heart pounded fast in her chest as she realized what was happening. Quickly her eyes snapped to the kitchen island where the empty bottles littered the counter the night before. They were gone. The counter was spotless. Her gaze then shot to the couch where Luc had crashed for the past four days as she nursed Alex through the withdrawals. She found the couch empty. The blanket and pillow Luc had been using was neatly folded and lying on the lounge. Her ears strained for a moment to see if maybe the woman in question was in the bathroom. Only the sound of Maggie's feet on her floor greeted her. Her apartment was clean and seemed to bear no signs of what had taken place in the past four or five days. Alex sighed in relief and got up to greet her girlfriend.

"Hey you," Maggie said as she walked up to Alex and gently placed a kiss on her lips before wrapping her arms around the taller woman. "I've missed you," she mumbled as she pulled Alex close and buried her face in the other woman's neck.

Alex smiled and pulled the smaller woman closer, "I missed you too." She placed a kiss to the top of Maggie's head before pulling away and moving towards the kitchen. She started taking things out of the cabinet with the intention of making coffee.

"I tried texting and calling, you didn't answer." Maggie stated as she moved behind Alex and wrapped her arms around the other woman.

Alex leaned back against her and relished in the other woman's warmth and contact. Her hands came up to slowly rub Maggie's arms. "I'm sorry. I was just so sick and out of it. All I did was sleep," Alex explained as she poured her and Maggie a mug of coffee. She turned in the other woman's arms and handed her a cup.

Maggie happily took the offered coffee, she looked up into Alex's beautiful brown eyes and for a moment she thought that something seemed different about the other woman. Something seemed clearer. "But you feel better now right," Maggie asked in concern. She genuinely was concerned and there was at least three or four times where she almost said the hell with it and showed up at Alex's just because she was so worried. But then she remembered that she had promised Alex space to feel better and she was going to honor that promise.

"I feel great now, even better now that you're here," Alex said as she put her own coffee down. She then took Maggie's mug from her and placed it on the counter. "So much better that I want to make up for not seeing you for five days," The taller woman said a seductive tone in her voice as she slipped her arms around Maggie and pulled her flush against her.

Maggie's eyes darkened and she stepped away from Alex, she took the other woman's hand and started pulling her towards the bed. "Well," she said seductively, "I guess it's a good thing I have the morning off." And with that she pulled Alex towards the bed. Alex would have to remember to send Luc a quick thank you text for cleaning up and being out before Maggie showed up. It wasn't that Alex would have been ashamed or wanted to hide Luc and what they were doing from Maggie or any of her family. It was just that Alex wasn't ready to share this. Not yet at least. She'd only just begun. But even now, so early on, she knew it was absolutely the right thing to do.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another short chapter here. I apologize if this chapter is not as detailed, wrote this on very little sleep after a very long, long shift at work. I will be editing all the chapters a bit more on monday when I finally get a day off. I hope you all enjoy. Thank you for the wonderful feedback and reviews. I'm so glad many of you seem to like this story. I still haven't a clue where I'm going with but I'm going anyway.

Monday morning approached fast and Alex found herself begrudgingly making her way into the DEO. It wasn't that she didn't want to work….no scratch that it was that she didn't want to work. She'd spent the weekend with Maggie making up for lost time and she had no desire to return back to her normal life. Add to that her body still ached from the pain of her withdrawals. She still wasn't feeling 100% yet, she still had that residual weakness and every now and then her stomach got queasy and she had to fight off nausea. Her appetite had started to return which was a good thing. The night before she'd enjoyed the most amazing chicken alfredo that Maggie had made. At first the other woman wanted to make her this pasta dish that had a creamy white sauce but the second the words 'white wine'' left her lips Alex was scrambling for an excuse for her to make something else. She was sure the meal would have been amazing but Alex didn't trust herself to eat anything that had alcohol in the ingredients, even if the alcohol got burned off during cooking. Basically, Alex was doing well and she didn't want anything to risk that. She knew that in order for Maggie to make that dish there would have to be wine. There would be wine in her apartment. There would be alcohol, Alex's current vice, in her home...again. Alex was still too weak and the temptation would have been too strong. So instead Alex told her she was craving something else and so Maggie made her a basic but delicious alfredo dish.

Alex somewhat slowly made her way to her office giving each agent she passed a friendly nod hello. Once she entered her officer she groaned when she saw the mountain of paperwork she had sitting on top of her desk. Never again would she take a sick day or six. Gently she closed her door and made her way to the desk. She ran a hand through her hair as her eyes danced over each stack of incident reports that she had to review, correct if need be, sign off on, and file. It was going to be a long, long day. With a not so enthused sigh Alex sat down and got to work.

A few hours later, Alex still had at least twelve different incidents to review which included at least ten incident reports each. The end of paperwork was nowhere in sight. For a moment Alex wondered if she could bribe Vasquez to do the paperwork. But no sooner did that thought cross her mind to Alex blow it off. Nope, she'd do it herself. Alex finished reading over a report, when she got to the end she found that the lead agent had failed to attach the correct form to the report. With a pissed off roll of her eyes and a huff, Alex pulled the drawer where she kept all her forms open. She froze when she looked down and came face to face with a three quarters full bottle of bourbon. With a shaky hand Alex picked up the bottle and slowly placed it on the desk in front of her.

She hadn't thought about alcohol all day. She hadn't one thought about having a drink. That was new for her. The first thought crossed her mind when she woke up was the taste of alcohol. But today she'd woken up with Maggie, no thoughts of alcohol or getting a drink anywhere to be found. She'd felt incredible well as incredible as she could while still feeling the after effects of withdraw. She'd finally felt free and in control. But now as she stared at the bottle that sat on her desk she felt it all come crashing down. The only thought in her mind was how incredible it would taste to open that bottle and take a long hard pull. Her mouth watered and her chest burned from the memory of how the bourbon would feel slipping down her throat. God, Alex wanted nothing more than to drink that bottle. She'd become so dependent on the alcohol that all she could think of was the want. She had no reason to drink that the moment, not that she really ever had on to being with. She wasn't under any major stress, yeah staying sober and fighting the urge was stressful but it wasn't that bad. She had really no reason for wanting to drink that bottle. She had no excuse if she did, well other than that she was just plain pathetic because she couldn't stay sober. She knew what she needed to do. She knew she needed to get up and take that bottle to the locker room and dump it. But she also knew that if she opened that bottle she'd raise it to her lips and drinking it effectively tossing aside six days of sobriety for nothing.

With trembling hands Alex pulled out her phone and dialed the only person she knew could get her through this. The line rang and she just stared at that bottle, feeling like it was mocking her. She sent a silent pray to whatever higher being that was up there that the woman would answer her phone.

"Hello," Came the sleepy greeting.

"I need your help," Alex rushed out once she heard the woman's voice. She nervously eyed the bottle on her desk. Her leg started to nervously bounce and she found herself chewing on her thumb. Alex was starting to become a complete mess.

On the other end of the phone Luc sat up in her bed and ran a hand over her face. She quickly glanced at her watch and found that she'd only been sleeping for about two hours. She'd gotten home late from her own job and crawled into bed as soon as she crossed the threshold. She slipped out of bed and sleepily stumbled to her kitchen with the intention of making coffee, if she was going to deal with her sponsee this earlier with a lack of sleep she was gonna need coffee. Lots and lots of coffee.

As the coffee brewed Luc turned her attention back to the woman on the phone. "What's going on," Luc asked gently.

"I was just doing my paperwork and then I open my drawer and I find the bottle of bourbon I had. I took it out cause I was gonna dump it. I swear I was gonna dump it," Alex rushed out in one breath. She heart pounded in her chest and all she could hear was the voice in her head telling her to just drink the bottle, that if she just had a drink she'd relax.

"Alex stop," Luc said forcefully causing the woman to freeze. Her leg stopped bouncing, she stopped chewing her thumb, and she turned her full attention to Luc. "Where are you," The woman asked her concern perked. The woman was a mess Luc could tell that and a frantically falling apart freshly sober sponsee was never a good thing, these were the moments that could quickly go bad.

"I'm at work," Alex replied a she shot up out of her chair. She started pacing her office, her eyes darting back to the bottle every now and then. God, now she really wanted to drink it.

"Start at the beginning and tell me what happened," Luc took a deep breath so she could focus.

Alex tried to steady her breathing and relax so she could explain to Luc why she was so freaked out. "I'm at work doing some paperwork and when I went to grab a form from my desk I found the bottle of bourbon I stashed there. I had every intention of dumping it but then I remembered what it tasted like and how good it felt and now I want nothing more than to drink it." Alex flopped back down in her chair in defeat, tears started to burn her eyes because she was just so frustrated and so angry at herself for wanting to give in.

Luc listened to Alex explain. She understood the struggle, she understood it so well but she also knew that Alex couldn't give in. She'd made such great progress the past six days that she just couldn't throw it away. But at the same time there was nothing that Luc could do, well nothing physically at least, to make this easier for Alex.

"Why," Luc asked, "Why do you want to drink it."

"What do you mean," Alex asked in confusion. She didn't understand the question. Why did she want to drink the bottle? Well cause she just wanted to damnit.

"What's going on right now that makes you want to drink that bourbon? Did something happen with your girl? Did something happen at work? What's your reason for needing that alcohol right now?" Luc asked with conviction. She wanted Alex to think, to really think about why she wanted to toss it all away at that exact moment.

Alex faltered, she really didn't know why she wanted a drink. She just knew that the second she saw the bottle all she could think about, all she could want was to taste it to get lost in it. She couldn't explain it all she could tell you was that she just wanted it. "I-I don't know. All I know is I crave it so bad. All I can think about right now is how it tastes, how warm and smooth it felt when I drank it. All I can feel is how warm it made me feel when it hit my system and just the relaxation that came with it. That's all I want to feel right now." Alex dropped her head in her hands and sobbed. The tears started falling down her cheeks in hot trails. She felt pathetic and angry. She felt she was absolutely pathetic for wanting to say screw it and toss away the beginnings of sobriety just because she longed for the taste of alcohol. It was absolutely pathetic.

"Ok," Luc stated as she absorbed and processed what Alex told her. "So you have no reason to drink that bottle. So you know what you need to do, Alex right?"

Alex nodded on her end of the phone and quickly whipped away her tears, "I need to dump it. But I can't, Luc I'm so afraid that if I open it I'm gonna smell it and that's just going to make me drink it." She felt so weak and broken at that moment. Strong kickass Alex Danvers could take on aliens three times her size but couldn't dump out a bottle of bourbon, oh how absolutely pathetic. "I just can't do it, Luc. "Alex whispered in defeat as she flopped back in her chair, hot tears now streaming down her face.

"You have to Alex because I can't do it for you. I can't come to your work and pour it out for you. You need to get up and do it yourself." Luc encouraged her evenly but still with an air of gentleness. She listened as Alex objected and repeaedt how she just couldn't do it. Luc sighed and gathered her thoughts. She knew that the next words she had for Alex needed to be the right words, needed to be that push the other woman needed to get up and get moving. Alex needed a pep talk and goddamn Luc was gonna give her one. Oh how Danni would be proud.

"Listen to me Alex," Luc began gently but her tone was laced with just the right amount of force, "I can't do this for you. I can't complete this program for you. There are going to be times, and this is one of them, where you're going to have to get up and face your fears and face the obstacles. This is all for you not for me. I've already done this I don't need to do it again. Getting clean, getting strong, persevering through this is all for you. You have to do it yourself." Luc took a moment to let her words sinking to the other woman. She could hear on the line that Alex's sobs had stopped and now she had the occasional sniffle. "This journey," Luc continued, "you have to complete on your own. I'm just your support. I'm only here as a guide and as the person that helps you up when you fall. And when you tell your family and friend's what you're doing, and the key word is you, they'll be nothing but support as well. No one can do this for you. This is a make it or break it moment, Alex. Are you going to give up and let the alcohol overpower you and throw away all the work you've done on yourself for yourself? Or are you gonna stand up, be strong, and say screw that bottle?"

The line was silent for a few moments as Alex processed what Luc said. The other woman was right, this journey, this battle was all Alex. She had to finish it no one else could do it for her. She had to stand up and put in as much kickassness in this as she did in taking down aliens. Alex was a strong woman and right now she just had to be even stronger so she could come out even better.

"So what's it gonna be, Alex?" Luc asked gently. She could tell the woman just needed that little pep talk, just needed to be reminded of what she could do. What she had to do.

"You're right," Alex said with conviction. She whipped the tears from her face and composed herself. "I'm not gonna let it break me."

"Good," Luc responded, "Now when I hang up you're gonna take that bottle to the bathroom and dump it. You got this. I have faith in you, Alex you just have to have more faith in yourself."

Alex rose from her chair, she grabbed the bottle and her duffle bag that she kept a spare change of clothes in. Her plan was to stick the bottle in the bag so she could take it to the locker room without anyone else seeing. The last thing she needed was some agent reporting her to HR or J'onn. "Thank you, Luc." Alex said as she stuffed the bottle in her bag. "Am I gonna see you tonight," She asked the other woman.

On the other end of the phone Luc smiled lopsidedly. "Yeah I'll be there. To night is kinda big deal for me I guess so I need to be there," She responded stubbornly.

"Big deal?" Alex asked in confusion.

"Yep, made it another year today. It's always a big deal when one of use stays sober for any amount of time but it's a really big deal when you can make it a year and then another and another," Luc replied in disinterest. She really wasn't making it a big deal, for her it was just another year but I guess for some a year is a long time and to stay sober that long is a real struggle.

Alex smiled herself as she slung her bag over her shoulder. "Good for you, Luc I'm sure it hasn't been easy."

Luc laughed sarcastically, "It's just another year. Anyway, I need to get some sleep, Al long night at work. I'll see you tonight ok. Make sure you text me."

Alex agreed to text Luc once she'd completed her task. She then said goodbye to the woman and headed off in the direction of the locker room. With a deep breath she pushed the door open and was relieved to find the room empty. She walked over to the sink and pulled the bottle out of her bag. She held the cool bottle in her hands for a moment and just stared at it. The voice in her head telling her to drink it was still there but she'd found the power to ignore it and do what needed to be done. With a deep breath, Alex opened the bottle. As soon as the smell hit her nose her mouth started to water. The voice in her head got louder, screaming at her to just drink it to just take one little sip. The voice kept telling her that one little sip wouldn't hurt. But Alex finally had the strength to say enough is enough. She was happy to be sober, she liked being sober, she wanted to stay sober. Those reasons right there were all the reasons she needed to turn her wrist and watch. She wasted as the amber liquid poured out of the bottle and disappeared down the drain. When the bottle was finally empty Alex tossed it in one of the garbage cans. She finally felt like the huge weight that was on her shoulders had been lifted and she could finally breath. Once again she felt free and in control. That was the important thing, Alex finally felt in control. That was step one right? You over power the alcohol and have control of yourself.

With an accomplished smile on her face Alex exited the bathroom. She had just started down the hallway to her officer when she noticed J'onn walking up the hall towards her.

"Alex, just the person I was looking for." The taller man said as he came to a stop in front of the smaller agent.

"Yes, sir what can I do for you?" Alex asked as she regarded the man she looked up to as a father as well as a boss.

"We've got some new agents coming today," J'onn began as he gestured towards the command room. "I'd like for you to show them around. Give them the Agent Danvers welcome." An almost sly grin appeared on the older man's face as he said the last words.

Alex knew exactly what he meant. If there was one thing Alex enjoyed it was welcoming and thus breaking in the new agents. Alex was the best and if any agent could handle a welcoming from her then they could handle anything the DEO put them in. "Yes, sir I would love to," Alex replied as she started towards the command room. A smirk on her face as she thought about all the hell she was going to put these agents through.

"And Alex." J'onn's voice made her stop and she turned to regard him in curiosity. "You look good," The other man left it at just that but he had an almost knowing smile on his face. Before Alex could say another word he turned and headed back to his office. Alex remained frozen in her spot. Her mind raced again. What could he have meant? Did he know? Then it hit her. He had to know or at least have some type of an idea. As much as J'onn prided himself on giving others space and making sure not to use his powers of telepathy even he admitted that sometimes he just couldn't help it. Like when she told everyone Maggie was her girlfriend, he admitted he knew cause Alex's mind wouldn't shut up no matter how hard he said he tried not to listen. J'onn had to know there was no way around it. There was days where Alex was sure her mind screamed for a drink so loud she was surprised supergirl couldn't hear it. J'onn was telepathic there was no way he didn't know. But what made it ok for Alex was the fact that even if he did know he never showed it. He never pushed. And he never pried. He never judged.

Taking a deep breath Alex calmed her nerves and headed towards the command room. Her day had been crazy enough so far what she really needed to was to make someone else's or multiple else's day hard


	7. Chapter 7

Seven days. She’d made it seven full days without a single drop of alcohol. Alex felt great, she felt incredible. Invincible almost. It wasn’t easy. Oh no it was not easy. There were many moments within those seven days where Alex had to call Luc to talk her through the urge. There were many quick moments in bathrooms or her office where she shared a quick call to her sponsor to get her head on right, to power through the urges and the desires for a drink. Alex was sure the other woman was getting annoyed with the many calls but Luc never said anything, she never told the woman not to call or text. Luc was a great sponsor, she was just the kinda of person Alex needed to get through this. She as the person that could treat Alex with the utmost care and compassion one minute then give her the most brutal of ass-kickings to get her right again. 

Alex had gone to meetings every night then met with Luc after for their routine cup of coffee and chat. Luc had started her on the program. They’d talked about step one and Luc had explained that Alex had already accomplished it when she showed up to her first meeting. By seeking out help Alex had admitted, unbeknownst to her, that she was powerless over the alcohol and it had taken over her life. When she showed up to that first meeting Alex had admitted that something was wrong in her life and she needed to fix it and she was ready to fix it. She’d embraced the truth of her addiction and she was ready to face it, ready to tackle it. Alex wanted to make an honest change. Luc explained that everything she did that night, the night she met Luc, was the first step to her recovery. 

The next step, however, had Alex stumped. Luc had explained that step two out of twelve involved believing in a power higher than yourself. Alex didn’t know what to do, she didn’t believe in God, in any human or alien God. Alex wasn’t religious so how was she going to believe in a power higher than herself. Luc had laughed when Alex point blank told her she was atheist. But the redhead was truly upset and confused how could she do that when she didn’t believe at all. Luc had explained to her that step two was all about having hope, looking towards the future not so much about religion or God. She’d explain that Alex could believe in anything she chose, she could believe in AA in itself as long as she believed in something. Alex was still at a loss. She didn’t have hope. The only thing at the moment she hoped for was her and Maggie. Of course Luc said she couldn’t put all her faith and hope in Maggie and her relationship because, what if, it fell apart...if that happened Alex would be lost. Luc explained that step two was more about having an open mind and maintain the humility that she came to in step one. It wasn’t religious. Alex still struggled and so Luc decided that it was time for Alex to get some homework. So she’d concluded their coffee chat with an assignment: find something to believe in, find hope, and look to it. 

Alex had spent the next day thinking about step two. She just couldn’t bring herself to believe in a God, she’d seen so much in life that was bad and connected to religion that she just couldn’t bring herself to believe. She thought about believing in the DEO and what it does. That brought her a little hope right? But it didn’t really do much to help the drinking cause of everything with her father. So DEO was out. She thought about Maggie but Luc was right. What if something happened and they broke up. She thought about Kara but she quickly changed her mind when she realized that she was Kara’s higher power so looking to Kara would be more like looking to herself. She thought about J’onn but placed that aside when she realized she really didn’t know anything about him. She needed hope. She needed to look to someone or something that had hope, humility, perseverance, and the strength to keep going. All too quickly it hit her: Luc. The other woman said higher power but after her explanation she made it sound more like Alex needed to just believe in something, strive for something. And the one thing Alex strived for now was sobriety, she strived to be like Luc. To be as strong as Luc through her recovery. And that’s how Alex completed step two. 

When she’d told the other woman who her higher power was she laughed. Alex had felt so nervous and stupid for picking her sponsor to be her step two but she just couldn’t find anyone or thing she had hope for other than being sober like Luc was. Luc had then explained that it wasn’t uncommon for those in the program to look to their sponsor for hope, especially in the beginning. She’d explained that at this point in Alex’s recovery she was so lost for everything that trying to find hope seemed impossible, that the only thing Alex could see was her so it was understandable to look up to her. Luc assured her that as she progressed through the steps and a sober life she may find her higher power isn’t Luc but rather something else she just hasn’t realized it yet. 

Luc then explained to her step number three. Depending on that higher power. Alex figured she had this step down. There wasn’t a day that went by where she wasn’t calling Luc multiple times in the day for strength. The other woman had laughed once again and explained to Alex that it wasn’t just about calling her when she felt the urge come. She’d explained that if Alex was choosing her to be that higher power she had to let Luc in. She had to open up completely. That’s when Luc advised Alex to truly think about who she’d chosen for step two. She assured Alex that it was ok to pick her sponsor but in doing so Luc would become an even bigger part of her life, Luc would have to come to know Alex as well as her friends and family did. She explained that by choosing Luc to be her power she would have to become completely dependant on the woman and would pull strength from her. Luc had cautioned her that it could cause conflict with her in regards to Maggie. Luc was completely honored that Alex chosen to look to her for strength and dependence but she didn’t want to cause issues for Alex in regards to her feelings. 

Alex in turn had assured Luc that her decision was the right one. That if there was anyone or thing in the world that she could depend on and look to for hope during her recovery it was the woman across from her. Luc wasn’t too keen on it but she had no control over Alex, if the other woman wanted to look to her she would respect that. 

The next step brought more homework for Alex. The fourth step to her recovery was to make a moral inventory. Luc sent Alex home the night of her six AA meeting with the assignment to sit and think about why she started drinking. Of course Alex had stated that she started drinking because of her father, because she’d killed him. Luc had merely leaned across the table, placed her hand on Alex’s arm, looked the woman dead in the eye and asked, “Is that really why you started drinking?” And Alex faltered. She thought that’s why she started drinking but Luc’s words made her really think. Alex had started drinking long before her father’s death. She partied so hard in college that she flunked out. At the time she blamed it on just not being smart enough but in reality it was more because she’d rather be drinking than studying. Then she thought about the pressure she felt from her mother to always take care of Kara. She thought about how when she drank the feelings for woman she had would go away or at least with the alcohol they felt normal. She thought about how when she drank everything just felt better. Maybe it wasn’t just her father’s death, maybe Alex always had this problem. Maybe there were so many more reasons for her addiction. 

Luc had sent her home with those thoughts in her head, told her to write them down and get them out. She told the agent to focus on that step for a while because the following steps couldn’t be completed until Alex told her family and friends what she was doing. Of course Alex refused to, she told Luc once again that no one would be knowing for at least another two weeks. Luc didn’t agree with it but she respected it, she couldn’t push Alex into telling her family and friends if she wasn’t ready. And so Alex had gone home to start her moral inventory. She sat on the couch cuddled up with her love while they watched a movie but Alex’s mind was off in her past. She spent the whole movie thinking about why she started drinking, why she felt she needed to drink. She thought about all her emotional issues, many of which she felt she had because she suppressed her feelings for women for so long. 

Maggie had picked up on her thinking and inquired about it, Alex had merely said she was thinking about a case at work. Maggie seemed to buy it. In reality the other woman got a bad feeling. She knew about the drinking, she knew Alex would have a couple drinks a night to relax. She knew Alex would come home some nights reeking of liquor and beer but that was just Alex, she didn’t have a problem as far as Maggie believed. Maggie figured she should be used to it by now, Alex had been distant and closed off for months while she drank. Ever since her father died. She spent more time at work, to the point that there were days where Alex just lived in her office. The two would get in arguments over the littlest things which would lead to Maggie staying at her apartment for a couple days. There were many nights that Alex would sleep on her own couch instead of the bed with Maggie. The shorter woman was always the one initiating contact only to have Alex pull away. At one point they went almost three days without so much as a peck on the cheek. It broke Maggie. They were happy, or so Maggie believe, it was just that Alex was grieving and that’s why she was so distant. She figured she’d just give her lover time and space. When she realized that this grieving was going on for too long she decided it was time to open up more. To show Alex that she was there, that she wasn’t leaving, that she didn’t hate her for what she had to do to her father. So Maggie poured her heart out and told Alex she loved her, all in hopes that it would bring the woman back to her. 

Maggie thought it worked. She’d had noticed in the past week that Alex was different. Alex had started coming home to her at a decent time, she’d started sleeping in the bed with Maggie in her arms, she’d call her on her lunch breaks, and she didn’t come home reeking of alcohol. The other woman seemed lighter, clearer, and just so much better. But Maggie had picked up on Alex always coming home later than normal. A few times it happened she called Kara to see if the younger woman had seen her sister. Maggie found it odd when Kara would say she hadn’t seen or heard from Alex. Then Maggie would call the DEO and see if Alex was there, they’d always tell her that she left a five o’clock sharp. Of course Maggie would try calling Alex but she’d always get her voicemail. Then at eight o’clock the redhead would come in like nothing happened, like she hadn’t just been missing with no radio contact for three hours. Maggie would question her and she’d just say she was at work or with Kara. The shorter woman knew that wasn’t the truth but she wouldn’t push. Everytime she didn’t however the sinking feeling in her gut would get worse. Alex was none the wiser to Maggie’s bad feelings.

So Alex had no idea that while she sat in her seventh meeting on her seventh day of sobriety that Maggie was at home nervously pacing their apartment. Alex herself sat nervously in her chair. This was the night. The would be the night where she takes the podium for the first time and shares her story. Luc had told her it wasn’t mandatory but it was encouraged to share. At first Alex wanted to say no, wanted to decline feeling that her story wasn’t anyone’s business but then she realized that if she didn’t share she couldn’t pull support. So here she sat her palms sweaty and her mind racing. What she really needed was a drink but that wasn’t going to happen. Luc had reached over and squeezed her arm in encouragement as they listened to the guy currently talking wrap up his story. When he stepped away from the podium Alex took a deep breath and stood up. She slowly made her way to the front of the room. She looked out over all the people there and for a second she almost gave up, almost said nevermind and sat back down. But she fought through it with a deep calming breath.

“So I’m Al,” She began and chuckled when the room responded with the typical ‘hi Al’ response, “And I’ve been sober for seven days today.” The room filled with soft claps and a few people congratulated her. “I don’t really know what to say or where to start. I’ve been trying to figure out why I got addicted in the first place and I can’t tell you. It could have been the pressure of having to be the perfect daughter. Or having to suddenly be the responsible big sister to a girl my parents just adopted one day when I was 13. Or coming out at 28. Or having to watch my father die and knowing there was nothing I could do to stop it.” Alex’s words trailed off. Her emotions getting the best of her and the tears started to burn behind her eyes. 

“My whole life I had to be perfect. If I wasn’t my parents always had this way of just making me feel like absolute shit. And the responsibilities,” Alex stopped with a sardonic laugh, “They were my greatest enemy. Everything my little sister did wrong was my fault. They always told me I had to watch over her, protect her, take care of her. I was thirteen!” All of Alex’s repressed feelings, the anger the resentment, came up with those words. Her tears spilled down her cheeks and a sob caused her to choke on the next words she was trying to get out. She was just so pissed. 

She was thirteen years old and her parents wanted her to take care of Kara, make sure she was safe the hell with Alex and what Alex needed or wanted. Alex was pushed as thirteen to grow up and be an adult why Kara got to be the typical kid. Whatever Kara did wrong was always Alex’s fault. “My sister would come home with a bad grade in school and it would be my fault,” Alex shook her head as she remember the day in question. 

Kara had come home with an F in her math class because she failed to do an assignment. Eliza had blamed Alex, told her she should have helped Kara and made sure she did the work. Eliza failed to remember that Alex was working on a very big, complex, and important project for the science fair and her AP Chemistry class. It was a project Alex was working on that she hoped her mother would be proud of and that she was excited to be working on. Alex failed to complete the project and failed her AP Chem class. 

Luc sat back and listened carefully. She watched as Alex opened up just enough for Luc to find something they could work on. Alex loved her sister that Luc knew she had no doubt the other woman would lay down her life for her sister. But Alex still had some resentment. And that was resentment that Alex was going to need to work through for her recovery. The sister was one of the causes and therefore one of the things that Luc was going to have to make Alex talk about. Bit by bit Alex would open up, would pull back another layer for Luc to understand and help her though. 

“All I ever wanted was to make my parents proud,” Alex continued. Tears stained her face and she gripped the podium to keep herself steady. All the emotions she’d pressed down for so long coming to the surface and just tearing her apart. God how she wanted a drink. She didn’t want to feel all this, she didn’t like this. She didn’t like all the feels she was getting, all the emotions that were messing with her. This was why she drank, so she wouldn’t have to deal with the emotions and the issues of her life. This was all just too much. It was too much too soon. She dropped her head and her shoulders shook as she stood at the front of that room and cried. 

She jumped when she felt a hand slide over her shoulder and squeeze, she looked up to see Luc standing to her left. Without another thought she turned and hugged the woman. If Luc was surprised by the sudden contact she didn’t show it, she merely wrapped her arms around Alex and held her. Alex clutched the woman closed and cried. She just needed to get her bearings she just needed to let enough of it go so she could compose herself. Gently Luc rubbed her back and whispered words of encouragement. After a few moments Alex pulled away and turned back to those in the room. 

“My whole life I did everything for someone else. I never got to do anything for myself. Drinking was the one thing that was mine, it was for me and no one could take it away,” Alex explained sadly. “It wasn’t until I met someone that I have fallen heal over heels for,” She stopped for a second as she thought of Maggie. Her beautiful, sweet, and amazing Maggie. “And who I screwed things up with, even though she doesn’t know it, that I realized this isn’t how I want to live. I want to get sober. And that’s why I’m here. Thank you.”

And with that Alex concluded what she wanted to share. She had wanted to say more than that but all the emotions that came up had her struggling to keep it together. She was pretty sure that if Luc hadn’t been there she’d be a sobbing horrible mess. She was sure that she was going to fall apart when the went for coffee after the meeting. 

“Thank you, Al for sharing.” Luc said lough enough for the room to hear. Her arm was still around Alex’s shoulder and she gave the other woman a small squeeze. Alex leaned into her, it was her way of pulling strength from her. And oh how Alex needed some strength right now. 

The rest of the people thanked Alex for having the strength to share her struggle. With legs that felt like jello Alex walked back to her seat Luc following close behind. When she sat down she let out a long slow breath. She felt like a little weight had been lifted from her shoulders and she could breath. She was still battling so many emotions but it felt good to finally get that one thing out. To finally say how she felt with no fear of reprisal. She listened as one more person to the podium and shared their struggle before they closed the meeting. A few people came up to Alex after and congratulated her for her week of sobriety and she was quick to thank them. She spent a few minutes chatting with them, Luc had encouraged it stating that she needed to talk to other recovering addicts to again more support especially since she was so against her family and friends partaking. After a while they said goodbye to the few members that still remained and headed towards the dinner per usual. They took their spots in their usual booth, the waitress was quick to bring them two cups of coffee. 

Luc watched Alex for a few minutes. She could tell the other woman was battling her emotions and her memories. But more than anything she knew she needed to get Alex to talk about them. The only way Alex was going to get through her recovery is if she fought her demons, even if that meant facing something that she didn’t want to admit: she had animosity towards her sister. 

The short haired woman leaned forward on her elbows and looked at Alex, she slowly reached out and placed a hand over the other woman's. “I know that you love your sister. I can tell because of how you’ve spoken about her,” Luc started gently her words caused Alex to look up and focus on her. “But you need to realize that you hold some negative feelings towards her and that’s ok.” Alex opened her mouth to argue but Luc stopped her with a hand. “No. I’m serious Alex, you need to talk about her and how she makes you feel. She’s part of this whether you realize it or not. This isn’t just because of what happened with your father. So,” Luc began as she sipped her coffee, “Tell me about this sister.”

Alex dropped her head down in shame. Luc was right. Kara coming to live with her cause a major change in Alex’s live, a change that she didn’t process. The other woman was right in that if Alex wanted to tackle all the reasons for her desire to drink she needed to understand her feelings, where they came from, and why. It was all part of that moral inventory. This is the part Luc said was going to be long, hard, and so very emotional. Alex took a deep calming breath and she started talking. She told Luc about Kara coming to live with them when she was thirteen, of course she left out the part about Kara being from Krypton and Supergirl. She told Luc how she felt when her parents made her take care of Kara and tote her around like she was the perfect daughter while Alex was just typical. She told the other woman about how it would make her upset when they’d left Kara get away with something but if Alex did it she was grounded. Alex told the story of what her life was like when she had to grow up at thirteen and practically raise her sister. And the whole time Luc listened intently. For the first time in Alex’s life she felt like she could finally talk, like she could finally get it all out and not have to worry about anyone being hurt. For the first time Alex stopped pushing everything down and just let go.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not a Marine, I have no knowledge of what it's like to be a Marine, or to be deployed to a war zone. I have no inner knowledge of how the Corps works, how the jobs work, deployment, etc. What I talk about in this chapter is things that I have heard from those around me who have served, who have been deployed, and who have talked about the horrors that they have seen during their service. The struggles that our troops face when they return to civilian life is all too real. I merely hope that what I've written is as actuate as a civilian can make it with no experience of the struggles. I have the utmost respect for our troops and everyday I pray for their safety and that they return home soon. Anyway, Enjoy.

Alex sat nursing her hot cup of coffee as she waited for Luc. The other woman had called shortly before the meeting stating that she wouldn’t be able to make it due to work. Of course that made Alex nervous, she’d never gone to a meeting without Luc. The woman was her support, her rock, what helped ground her and keep her in those meetings. Alex had told her it would be ok, that she’d be ok. Luc had given her a good pep talk just before she walked in. Luc had the utmost faith in Alex, she’d explained that this could be a test. That Alex needed to know that she could do this sometimes without Luc, that she’d be ready for the day when she no longer needed to Luc. Alex had argued that, that day would never come that she’d always need Luc as her sponsor. The other woman had just laughed and told her once again to have more faith in herself. 

And so Alex went to her meeting, her first meeting alone. She’d sat in her usual seat and just watched. She was nervous and she felt awkward, she felt like she didn’t have the strength to get through it by herself. But she did. She’d sat next to a nice couple that were attending the meeting. Melody and Jake, as Alex came to find out. After the meeting they spent a short time chatting. Alex learned that Jake was in the program and his wife Melody was his support system, he’d been battling for six months and through those six months Melody didn’t leave his side once. Alex came to hope that Maggie would be her Melody when she told the other woman what she was doing. Talking to them left Alex feeling hopeful and supported. They’d been nice and given Alex some advice and shared some of their struggles. Alex felt like she’d gained a couple more people she could talk to about her struggle. 

She’d left the meeting after that and headed towards the diner. Luc called her shortly after and told her she’d meeting her for coffee, that she was just leaving base and would be there in a few. Alex told her she’d wait up and make sure to have some of that hot coffee waiting for her. Luc had laughed and asked her to add a couple slice of pie to that order because she was starving. And so here Alex sat, holding her coffee, and just thinking. She’d done so much thinking and processing in the past week that her head hurt. She was so exhausted. She felt relieved, she left light, she felt great but oh so exhausted. She figured that’s what happens when you spend so many days focusing on all the things you suppress and you drink to keep at bay. She just didn’t think she could bring herself to talk about anything more that night, she really just felt numb. Like she just didn’t have the strength to open her mouth and get anything out. She didn’t think she wanted to drink, no she didn’t feel like drinking which was amazing as far as she was concerned. She just felt numb, like she was here but she wasn’t. 

Alex had just waved down the witness for a refill when she heard the door to the diner jingle open. She’d looked up just in time to see Luc walking towards her in all her uniformed Marine glory. The other woman slid into the booth just as the waitress was filling Alex’s cup. She’d thank the waitress when she in turn filled her cup up.

“I’m sorry I’m late. I had something run long at MEPS and then I had to stop by the base. I was a very long day,” Luc rushed out as she poured a mountain of sugar into her coffee and then took a sip. “How was the meeting?”

Alex shrugged, “It was good. I was nervous and it was weird not having you there but I met Melody and Jake. They were nice and helped me through it.” 

Luc smiled proudly and reached over to squeeze Alex’s arm, “Good for you. I’m proud of you, Alex. Not many people can do what you did tonight without their sponsor. You’re doing really well.” The other woman took her hand back and then quickly dove into the pie that sat waiting on the table for her. A moan of delight escaped her lips at the first bite. “I’m sorry. I haven’t eaten all day and after dealing with kids all day I needed some sugar.”

The DEO agent laughed behind her cup of coffee, “What exactly is it you do? I know you said we wouldn’t talk about work or what we do but you said ‘MEPS’ and I know what that stands for.”

The short haired woman shrugged herself, “I can’t really talk about what I did before this but what I do now, I’m a recruiter. I wanted some easy last few years so I took a post with recruitment.” 

Alex nodded and looked down into her coffee. She really just wasn’t feeling the talking to night. It felt like such work to just open her mouth, to form a thought and then place it into words. She was completely content to just sit for a bit, drink her coffee, and then leave. 

“So,” Luc began, “We talked about your sister last night and how she makes you feel.” She watched as Alex took a deep breath and nodded numbly. “Like I said last night, it’s completely normal for you to feel some negativity towards her. I really think that her coming to live with you at such an impressionable age is one of the things that contributed to your dependency, your addiction to alcohol.” The redhead began to argue again. She didn’t want Luc thinking she hated her sister for having to live with her. Luc didn’t know the whole story, Luc didn’t know that they had no choice but to take Kara in. Luc didn’t know that Kara and Alex had to live, still have to live, in complete secrecy because of who and what Kara was. But Luc stopped her, “I’m not saying that you need to hate her or blame her. We’re done with blame remember. We let all the blame, the blame we had for ourselves and towards others go. Right?” Luc asked and waited for Alex to respond, all she got was a head nod but it worked. “But I still think it’s what started you down this road. You didn’t get to process it, you didn’t get to adjust. It was thrown at you and your parents made you accept it right there. And I think that what happened with your father a few months ago was the catalyst. It’s what drove you further into the bottle then you already were.” 

Luc stopped for a moment and let her words sink in. She needed Alex to understand and accept the feelings that she had towards Kara. If she didn’t then there would be no way for her to complete the steps to her recovery that she needed to complete with her sister. She had to be able to express her feelings with Luc so she could express them with Kara when the time came. There was just so much untouched feelings that Alex needed to muddle through with Kara. 

“Look Luc,” Alex began. The other woman could hear the defeat in Alex’s words. “I’m just not feeling this tonight. I don’t have the strength mentally or physically to talk about this or anything.” The exhausted and absolute defeated tone of her words told luc there was no arguing with her, there was no amount of encouragement that could get her to talk. Alex had finally hit the point of exhaustion. Luc understood this part all too well. Everyone went through it, you’d get to the point where you just couldn’t process any more. You got numb. Mental process that involved feelings and digging up the past exhausted a person more than any physical work out ever could. Luc understood all that.

“C-Can we just,” Alex’s voice cracked and she sighed heavily, “Can I just sit here and not process, not think, not feel. I’m just so….numb.” 

Luc nodded and sat back in the booth with her coffee. She eyed Alex for a moment. She could tell the woman was physically and mentally exhausted. She could see the bags under her eyes, the tears that danced just behind her her lids, the way she could barely keep her head up. No tonight there would be no talking for Alex. Instead there would be listening.

“I agree,” Luc stated gently and she smiled when she saw Alex’s shoulders lower in relief. “Instead tonight you will listen. You’ve told me much of your struggle and now it’s my turn to share with you mine.” Alex perked up and turned her attention to Luc. “You care so much for those around you Alex. In the short amount of time that I have known you, that I have spoken with you I can tell that you have a huge warm heart. You have so much wisdom for other people but you have none for yourself. At times you remind me so much of myself and others of my Danni. Maybe that’s why the Lord had our paths cross. You are analytical and careful. Conscientious and through but also sweet and kind. You think before you act, and while that works well at work it doesn’t help much with your personal life. I tell you this,” Luc stated as she leaned across the table and took Alex’s hand, trying to give the other woman as much strength as she could. “Because I know that what you’re feeling about your sister is tearing you up inside. But you don’t have to let it. It doesn’t make you a bad person. You need to process it so you can talk to her about it. It is the only way to get passed this.”

The tears that Alex was trying so hard to keep at bay finally slipped down her cheeks and the woman gave in. “You,” Luc began evenly as she caught Alex’s tear filled eyes with her own, “Are not the only one who has ever felt this way about a sibling.” 

Confusion danced across the other woman’s face at Luc’s words. She didn’t know much about the woman. Really all she knew was her name and that she was a Marine with a drinking problem. “Y-You,” Alex started but stopped when the tears made her choke, “You have a sister?”

Luc laughed and squeezed Alex’s hand a little. Her head nodded up and down as she thought back to the family she had. The family she left behind. “I do. I have a brother too. And last I checked my parents were still alive. But my issue wasn’t with my sister. It was my brother.” Luc thought back momentarily to her siblings. She’d been the baby of the family, they were always the ones being praised and getting the attention. Luc just fell to the wayside like it was no big deal. 

She gave Alex’s had one last squeeze before she sat back in the booth. Her mind wandered around all the memories of her childhood growing up. About all the things she had to deal with being the youngest out of three. She thought about all the pain and anguish she had to live through. “I was the baby out of three. I was the accident, I wasn’t suppose to be born but my parents didn’t believe in abortion. I kinda got the crappy end of the stick.” Emotion clouded Luc’s words as she talked and now it was Alex’s turn to reach out and provide strength and support.

“I was born to an alcoholic and a drug addict. My mother was a functional alcoholic that liked to pop prescription pills. She always blamed her pain on her back and said that the pills and booze were her only relief. My father was a recluse, he didn’t want anything to do with anyone or thing. My siblings were much older than me, like ten years to be exact. So they were off in their own worlds. But even though my mother was a drunk she still praised and focused on my brother. He was her baby, the first born, the perfect son. I fought my whole life to be loved and praised by my mother but she didn’t want anything to do with me. I was my father’s child until I came out and then he became distant,” Emotion filled Luc’s words and she had to choke back tears. Her head dropped for a moment so she could again her bearing again. Across from her Alex say patiently, providing strength and concern if the other woman needed it.

“When my siblings got old enough they married and moved as far away as they could to raise their own families. They forgot about me. Frankly I haven’t seen or talked to any of them in years. I was left alone to deal with the neglect, the lack of love, the lack of support. I had nowhere to go. So at eighteen I enlisted in the Marine Corps. They promised me a purpose, support, dedication, something I could finally put my all into and be proud. I left and never looked back.”

Luc thought back to that last day. She could remember her mother and father not sparing her so much as a glance when she picked up her rucksack and walked out the door. They didn’t care that they may never see her again. She’d sent letters to her siblings while she was at training, she’d hoped maybe they would be proud of her. That maybe now that she was free they’d want her in their lives like she so longed to have them in herself. Her letters went unanswered. After a while she’d given up and just focused as hard as she could on her training and her unit. She gave up on the hope of ever having a family.

The short haired woman cleared her throat and pushed all the memories away to continue her story. “I shipped off to Parris Island after that. I focused hard on my training. I tried to get in contact with my siblings but they never returned my letters. That’s when I started drinking. We weren’t really allowed to drink on base but we knew where to get it and how. It started off innocently enough. It was just enough to get through training, just enough to clear my mind to focus. It was the typical drinking that young Marines did. It was a right of passage.” Luc laughed as she remembered all the drunken nights with her leatherneck buddies. All the mischief and mayhem they would get into, then all the running they had to do when their commanding officer caught them. God the running. 

“Then I shipped off for my first tour in Iraq,” Luc’s words had a far off tone. Like she was getting lost in the memory and the feelings. “I was so scared. I was going to a war zone and I didn’t know if I was gonna come back. At the time I was with the Third Reconnaissance Unit, we did patrols and reconnaissance on the surround areas.” Luc stopped suddenly and dropped her face into her hands. All the memories she’d spent so long just trying to get past, trying to forget, trying to get over came back. She remembered what it was like to be there, what it was like to see what she saw, do what she had to do. “Alex, I can’t begin to tell you the things that I saw. The things I had to do when I was there.” Finally Luc’s floodgates opened and the woman wept. Tears streamed down her face and sobs rocked her body. Without another thought, Alex quickly got up and moved to sit in the booth next to Luc. She gently wrapped her arms around the other woman and whispered words of encouragement to her. Alex in that moment returned all the strength and support that Luc had been giving her for the past week. “I watched a child, a small fucking child blow themsevles up just to take out an aid station!” Luc cried in anguish as she clutched to Alex. The taller woman reeled for a moment, she couldn’t imagine seeing what Luc had seen, living through what Luc lived through. “I held my commanding officer’s intestines in his body after he jumped on a landmine to save our unit.” Luc was in absolute anguish, her tears poured down her cheeks and her body shook. This was the first time since Danni’s death that Luc finally let go. Alex was the first person since Danni that Luc had told about the horrors of her deployments. 

Alex had heard stories from DEO agents that were ex-military. Even Lucy had briefly spoken of a few of the things she’d seen and done while deployed. But no one really ever spoke of the absolutely horrors that Luc had just confided in her about. Alex couldn’t imagine. She thought seeing some of the things she saw while working for the DEO was back. She couldn’t imagine having to watch a child blown themselves up in the name of some twisted ideology based of a religion. She just couldn’t imagine surviving the things that Luc survived. She could completely understand why the woman turned to alcohol. 

She held the other woman for a few minutes, letting her gather her strength and work her way through the memories. Alex would be hard pressed to admit it if asked but she’d come to see Luc as a friend in the short week that she knew her. She’d looked forward to their meetings and their chats. For the first time Alex felt like she finally had a friend, she finally had someone that wasn’t connected to Kara and the DEO. Someone that she could confide in and not have to worry about upsetting. Someone that had gone through such tremendous obstacles but like she had and she'd persevered through them. 

After a few minutes Luc pulled back from Alex and wiped her tears away. She stopped for a moment and gathered her thoughts. She’d taken the time to push back the memories and put them back in the part of her mind where they wouldn’t hurt. She knew it wasn’t healthy to push these things aside but sometimes he just couldn’t face them. “I did back to back tours in Iraq before I shipped state side. I ended up in National City and I didn’t know what to do. I was twenty five and I’d spent all that time in the military. I didn’t know how to be a civilian anymore. I didn’t know how to adjust so I drank and I drank and I drank.”

Luc thought back to the weeks before she ended up at her first meeting. She thought about the weeks she spend drunk but functioning. She was still active duty, she still had a military job and she was still required to report to base every day for work. But when she got home, when she got home she got drunk. All she knew was how to be a soldier. All she knew was the military life and drinking. She’d shut herself away with a bottle and just drink then she’d get up and go to work for her 12 hours then come home and drink some more. She thought she did well at hiding it.

“I don’t really know what made me decide to go to a meeting but I did. I can’t tell you what my rock bottom moment was or my moment of realization. I just wandered into the meeting drunk off my ass.” Luc laughed as she remembered the night in questions. She’d been so drunk she could barely walk. She’d made such a ruckus when she entered the room, everyone turned their attention to her and just gave her this sad pitiful look. “Danni was the one that took the most pity on me and helped me to a chair. The she took me for coffee after. The rest is history at that point,” Luc finished sadly. She had no desire at the moment to think about Danni because if she did she’d break. She’d break in the worst way possible and she’d probably, just probably, turn to a bottle. She still wasn’t completely strong, she still wasn’t completely passed the grief. 

“I finished the program in 18 months. In those same 18 months I got lucky enough to switch jobs. I completed training as a drone operator. I was so relieved to switch units because I honestly didn’t think I could handle another tour, I couldn’t handle seeing more death and destruction. It was bad enough that Danni had to talk me down more than once from eating my gun. She was amazing you know,” Luc said gently as she just for the second thought about the love of her life. “She understood everything I was going though. She’d done a tour in the middle east during Desert Storm and one short tour at the beginning of Operation Iraqi Freedom before she took her honorable discharge. She understood the struggles that Marines went through, she understood the need for alcohol. She was so great through my whole recovery. For the first time in my life I had someone who cared, someone who supported me. It was exactly what I needed and I got clean.”

Luc smiled widely as she thought about the other woman, about the woman that stole her heart. “I didn’t know at the time that I was falling for her. I took another tour, this one was much longer than my previous tours but it didn’t have me in combat so I was ok with that. It wasn’t until I was laying in my bunk half way across the world when I received a package. It was from Danni. I hadn’t heard from her in months. I didn’t tell her I was deploying. I’d finished my steps and gotten my orders. I packed my things and left. I felt that if I said goodbye I’d fall apart and go right back to a bottle. So I just left.” She smiled as she remember what the woman had packed in the box for her. It was the perfect care package and there was plenty of stuff for her to share with the guys and gals of her unit. But what really got to Luc, the one thing that she treasured the most of of the package was the letter than Danni included. 

“She wrote me this long ass letter and in the beginning she gave me shit but she understood why I just left. She encouraged me to keep up with the steps, stick to the program, and come back in one piece. It was as I read her words that I realized this woman was so important to me but I didn’t know why. I vowed then that I would find her when I was done my tour. I would have written her back but she didn’t include an address and the package was sent via one of those groups that sends care packages to troops.” The tears had passed and Luc leaned back in the booth. Alex still sat next to her listening intently as Luc told her about her life.

Alex knew this couldn't’ be easy. Luc grew up with nothing, with no one. The only person she’d ever had in her life to open up to, to talk to, to care for and by care for by was Danni. But here she was now opening up to Alex and the other woman felt so honored. 

“They'd come to me weeks before my tour was over offering me another eight years of enlistment but I couldn’t do it. I was so tired. I just wanted to go home. Then they offered me a position with Recruitment here in National City and I jumped at it. I re-enlisted for two years as a recruiter. When my boots hit the ground here I was so lost. I was back to a civilian life and I didn’t know what to do. Everyone in my unit that’d returned home was so excited they wanted to go celebrate. They invited me but I knew if I went I’d end up falling off the wagon. So I didn’t,” Luc explained as she remembered all the guys of her unit trying to get her to join them for a drink. She never told any other that she was a recovering alcoholic, she didn’t need her commanding officer to find out. She feared it’d be grounds for an automatic discharge. Luc couldn’t lose the military, it was her rock and her purpose. 

“Instead I found myself in front of that church,” Luc gestured to the big gray church that say across the street. The same church where she and Alex had been going to meetings. “I hadn’t been stateside for six hours. I was still in my fatigues when I wandered in and the first person I saw was Danni.” She thought back to that moment and her heart swelled. She suddenly remember how she felt when she saw the other woman, the woman that would come to be the love of her life. “She was standing at the front of the room sharing. She froze when she saw me. Then the next thing I knew she was rushing to me and she just hugged me. I’d never been hugged so tight in my life. I just held on to her and let go of everything else. For the first time in my life I felt loved and that’s when it hit me. I was madly hopelessly in love with this woman.” 

Alex shared a smile with Luc. It was good to see the other woman talking about her feelings. She felt like Luc loved Danni as much as Alex love Maggie, it was something they could relate to. It helped Alex understand Luc just as she was sure it helped Luc understand Alex. Alex reached out and took Luc’s hand as she listened to the other woman talk about the woman she loved. 

Luc laughed as she thought about that night in the meeting where she’d seen Danni for the first time in almost two years. “I knew I loved her right there,” Luc continued, “But I didn’t tell her for weeks. I was too scared to. I was afraid that what I felt was only because she was my sponsor at one point. But when I did tell her. Oh boy.” Luc chuckled as she thought back to the night in question. 

Danni had gotten upset over the whole thing. She and Luc had hung out that night, deciding to order pizza and hang out. They’d been doing that for a few weeks and Luc had come to believe that their hang outs were actually dates. So this one night in particular, Luc had decided there was enough dancing around it and that one of them had to make a move. Lud figured it'd have to be her. So as they sat eating pizza and watching action films that most of them spent the entirety of arguing the inaccuracies, Luc made her move. The latest movie had ended and Danni was just rising to take care of their plates when Luc grabbed her hand and pulled the woman to her. She kissed her gently and slowly giving Danni the opportunity to pull away if this wasn’t what she wanted. The opposite happened. And for a few short moments Danni kissed her back. Luc was on cloud nine but all too soon it came crashing down. Danni had pulled away and told Luc that she should leave. The short haired woman had argued, said she was staying put until they talked about this. Danni said there was nothing to talk about. Luc disagreed, said there was so much to talk about. And it was at that moment that Luc poured her heart out. Danni told her once again to leave. 

And Luc left. But just before she walked out Danni’s door the other woman called to her. Told her that if she turned to a bottle after this she’d never forgive her. Luc went home that night. She wanted to drink, oh god how she wanted a drink but she never gave in. Instead she focused on her work and burying her feelings as deeply as she could. And a week passed for her. In that week Luc didn’t go to a single meeting, she couldn’t handle seeing Danni. Then one day Luc came home from her office to find Danni waiting for her. She’d allowed the other woman in and stood awkwardly as she waited for Danni to explain why, after a week, she was coming to see the other woman. She told Danni she didn’t have to, that they’d just be friends and forget it even happened. Luc apologized for her actions and her words, told Danni she never should have crossed that line. Danni had hushed her with a finger to her lips and a whisper that she couldn’t stop thinking about her. Then she kissed her, long and hard. Danni had poured everything that she’d pushed down for this woman into her kiss. In return luc kissed her back just as deeply. When they’d finally come up for air it was Danni that apologized. She’d explained that she freaked out, she was afraid that these feelings that Luc had were because Danna was her sponsor. She was afraid they weren’t real and that Luc would realize that and dump her. She told Luc she couldn’t handle it if she left because she was just so in love with her. She’d told Luc that she’d probably fallen in love with her the first day they met, even though Luc was drunk out of her mind, and probably should have refused to be her sponsor because of it but she just couldn’t help herself. And that’s what started the greatest eight months of Luc’s life.

“I’m still so in love with her,” Luc said sadly as she thought about Danni. “It’s the love I have for her that keeps me going. That keeps me sober. I’ve wanted to give up so many times but then I think of her and I keep going.”

As Alex listened to Luc talk about Danni and how they met and eventually fell in love she felt her heart swell. She understood all too well every emotion that Luc had felt. Alex felt it everyday with Maggie. Every time the shorter woman so much as looked at her she felt it. She felt her heart swell with emotion that she just couldn’t describe. She knew what it was like to be so absolutely crazy about someone that nothing could make you sane again. 

“The day she was killed,” Luc began gently. The memory was still so painful and fresh in her mind. She hoped that Alex would never have to experience that kind of heartbreak, that kind of grief. She didn’t know the other woman very well but she’d come to like her a lot in the past week. They’d gotten close, could almost call each other friends. But even if they weren’t Luc would still never wish the agony of losing a loved one on her. “The day she was killed I planned on proposing,” Luc said wistfully as her hand came up to touch the chain around her neck. Alex could hear the sound of dog tags brushing together and the sound of metal tinging against thinner metal. Alex assumed the chain held Luc’s tags as well as the ring she intended to give Danni. 

Luc took a deep breath and dropped her hand to the table, she turned and faced Alex. “What you have with your girlfriend,” Luc began seriously, “You need to hold on to. You need to hold her close and love her as if the world was going to end tomorrow and you’d lose her. Don’t hesitate. Don’t wait. Love her with every part of your soul because you never know when you may lose her. And most importantly….” Luc trailed off. She took both of Alex’s hands in her own and squeezed them. She looked up and locked eyes with Alex, seriousness filled the air and Alex couldn’t pull her gaze away if she wanted to. “Tell her. Tell her that you love her, Alex. Never let a moment go where you don’t tell her how much your heart beats for her. Because she could be gone tomorrow and you’ll have to live wondering if she knew just how much you loved her.”

The words moved Alex so much that she just grabbed Luc and pulled her into a tight hug. She felt Luc wrap her own arms around her and hug her in return. Yeah, Alex had finally found a friend. She’d finally found someone that she could relate to, who she could talk to and listen too. Who she could share things with and who could share with her. Someone that understood everything she was feeling and going through and could help her navigate through it all. 

“Thank you,” Alex whispered as she pulled back from the hug, “Thank you for sharing that with me. I know it couldn’t have been easy.”

Luc took a deep breath and shook her head in agreement, “It’s never easy and it will never get easy but it helps to get it out. So thank you for listening.”

Alex merely squeezed Luc’s hand that she was still holding one last time. The two sat in comfortable silence for a moment. Alex still felt a little number from all her emotional enlightenment but listening to Luc had helped. The two now felt closer and it’s with that closeness that Alex found herself leaning against the other woman as they sat in the booth together. The physical contact allowed them to pull the much needed strength from each other.

“So,” Alex began after a moment her brow creasing as she realized something, “If Danni served in Desert Storm that means….”

She was abruptly cut off by Luc, “The she was much, much older than me.” Luc laughed and Alex just had a slow amused grin form on her face. “What can I say,” Luc continued with a smile of her own, “I like older women.” The two shared a good heart laugh. Alex joked that Luc liked to rob the grave to which Luc shot back with a retort about how women were like a fine wine; they got better with age. Alex of course shot her a glare about her alcohol reference and Luc mumbled something about how it’s better it’s women and not actual wine. The two then finished up their coffees and bid each other goodnight.

 

Alex arrived home a little after nine o’clock to find Maggie sitting on her couch waiting. She didn’t think twice as she set her coat and things down on the counter and walked up to the other woman. Without a word she reached out and took Maggie’s hand, pulling her into her body and kissing her deeply. She was going to take Luc’s advice. She wasn’t going to go a moment without letting Maggie know how much she loved her. Alex still wasn’t ready to say the words, she still felt it was too soon in her recovery but for now showing her would do. Alex poured everything she felt for the smaller woman into that kiss and of course Maggie returned it just as deeply. 

The two kissed deeply for a few minutes. It wasn’t until Alex had started to slowly lower them onto the couch that Maggie suddenly remembered why she had waited for Alex to come home. With one last deep kiss Maggie pulled back, she placed her hand on Alex’s chest and gently pushed her back. The other woman looked at her in confusion as she sat back on the couch.

“Alex,” Maggie began softly as she looked at the other woman, “Where have you been? It’s after nine and J’onn said you left at five. I called Kara and she hasn’t seen you.”

Alex stuttered for a second. She didn’t have an answer, she didn’t have a reason she could tell Maggie. She wasn’t ready to tell the other woman that she’d been at a meeting and then met with her sponsor. She wasn’t ready to open up like that to Maggie. She loved the woman, oh god how she loved the woman, but she just wasn't ready.

“I just had some things I had to take care of,” Alex explained hoping that would be enough to get Maggie to stop asking questions. 

With that answer she leaned into to kiss Maggie about but the other woman stopped her with a hand on her chest. “Alex tell me the truth. I know about the drinking. If you were out getting a drink just tell me, I’ll understand.”

The redhead smiled gently and shook her head, “I wasn’t drinking I promise.” And with that she leaned in and kissed the other woman. At that moment Maggie believed her but she still had that nagging feeling that she couldn’t quite shake. As she kissed her however she couldn’t taste alcohol so maybe, just maybe Alex was telling the truth. Deciding that she just missed this side of Alex far too much and was so relieved to finally have it back, Maggie chose not to push the subject but instead let herself get lost in her amazing girlfriend.


	9. Chapter 9

Alex stumbled into her apartment. It was late. It was so very late. She’d missed her first meeting that night. A serious mission had come up at the the DEO and she’d had no choice but to assemble a tactical team to help Supergirl take down the latest alien that was wreaking havoc on the city. The mission had gone easy enough until the Cadmus agents showed up and they’d come bearing Kryptonite. Supergirl was injured by a grenade that embedded tiny pieces of kryptonite into her body. She was down and unable to fight, unable to defend herself and that’s when the alien struck. Alex had watched in horror as her sister was flung across the deserted parking lot the battle had begun in and slammed into a building. When Supergirl didn’t get up Alex knew something very wrong had happened. She’d immediately called for a retreat, ordered her agents to fall back and they complied. Alex had rushed to her sister’s side, stayed with her as they evac-ed her back to the DEO and rushed her to the med bays. Once back in the DEO med bays Alex had set to work pulling out the pieces of kryptonite. Once the last piece was removed she’d hoped that Kara would wake up. The younger Danvers woman had been unconscious since they brought her in. Kara had woken up long enough to tell Alex that she would be ok but she was pretty sure she blew her powers out. Alex had then helped her younger sister to the solar beds so she could recharge.

While Alex helped her sister she thought about the talks that she and Luc had been having in regards to her feelings with her sister. She could understand that she had a little resentment and felt that she became second best when Kara showed up. But she didn’t think she hated her sister for anything, it wasn’t Kara’s fault that she had to come live with Alex and her parents. How could Alex blame her for anything. Maybe Alex should have been blaming her parents. But as she thought about it she realized she should even be looking to blame anyone. Like Luc had said, they were done with the blame game now it was all about the future. But Alex also knew the woman was right about having to talk to Kara about her feelings at some point. But at that moment Alex decided to push those feelings away and focus on helping her sister. 

Once she’d gotten Kara settled under the lamps the younger woman had shooed her way. Told her to go home and spend time with Maggie. Alex had glanced at her watch and realized just how late it had gotten. She made sure Kara was taken care of before she headed home for the night. She sent Luc a quick text apologizing for missing the meeting but the other woman said it was ok, that she figured that something had come up. Alex merely told her that she’d see her the next time and Luc agreed.

And now Alex stood in the entryway to her apartment at two-thirty in the morning starting at a very pissed off Maggie Sawyer. 

Maggie sat in the middle of the bed shaking her head angrily. She just couldn’t believe this. Every thought possible had run through her head when Alex didn’t come home at six thirty and then at nine thirty she really freaked out. She’d tried calling the other woman but her calls went straight to voicemail. So she’d tried Kara, then J’onn, then Winn, and even James. She tried everyone and not a single person knew where Alex was. Maggie was at a loss. Her girlfriend had become secretive, distant, and sometimes down right cold. Maggie thought things were getting better. The past week things with Alex had been incredible except for the times were Alex would rush off for whispered phone calls or secret texting sessions. Every fear Maggie had came to the surface. She knew this would happen. Alex was fresh off the boat, Maggie was her first it was only a matter of time before Alex started wondering what being with other women would be like. It was only a matter of time before Alex got bored. 

“Where were you,” Maggie accused as she got up off the bed and moved to stand in front of a clearly confused Alex. Here arms crossed over her chest and a cold gaze upon her face.

Alex faltered for a moment. She really didn’t know what to say. She’d never seen Maggie like this before. Yeah she’d seen Maggie mad before but not like this. She was angry but she also seemed to so...broken. She slowly took a step forward and reached out to the other woman, she quickly brought her hand back when Maggie took a step back away from her. 

“I was at the DEO with Kara. We had a mission go sideways. Kara got hurt really bad and she blew her powers out.” Alex explained gently as she again took a step towards her lover. Maggies resolve cracked a little and she dropped her arms to her side. Well that made sense. Kara wasn’t returning her calls either. “Mags, what’s going on? I’ve nev-” Alex was abruptly cut off by her girlfriend.

“You tell me Alex,” Maggie stated evenly, “You come home at odd hours of the night. You leave work at five but you don’t get here until nine. And when you do come home you come home so drunk you don’t remember who I am.”

The taller woman flinched. Did she really get so drunk in the past that she forgot who Maggie was? Was her drinking really that bad? Alex felt ashamed for her past behavior. Alex watched as Maggie moved away from her and sat on the couch. She could see the other woman crying and without another thought she moved to her side and pulled her into her arms. “Babe, tell me what’s wrong? What has you so upset?”

Maggie laughed sarcastically through her tears, “You. You Alex. You have me upset. I don’t understand you right now. I thought things were going well but I don’t know.” She stopped for a second to gather her thoughts. Everything hurt for her at that moment. She had so many thoughts and emotions running through her head. It wasn’t lost on Maggie that Alex never told her she loved her. The woman wasn’t stupid, she’d told Alex how she felt and Alex said she returned those feelings but she hadn’t heard the other woman say those words. It was always Maggie expressing them. Fear took root in the smaller woman, fear that Alex didn’t love her back. 

“I think….” Maggie took a deep breath to steel herself and she turned to Alex, “I think we moved to fast on this. I think I moved to fast and I scared you. I am so sorry, Alex.” Tears slipped down Maggie’s cheeks as she looked at the woman she loved. “You just make me so happy and I wanted you to feel the same. I didn’t stop to think about how scary this would be for you.”

Alex’s mind raced. She was absolutely confused. Maggie blamed herself for something but Alex had no idea what. Yeah Alex was scared to say those words, to tell Maggie she loved her but that was only because she wanted to make sure she could stay sober. She truly didn’t think she could love Maggie the way the woman deserved if she was a drunk. That was the only reason she’d hadn’t said the words. She felt them. Holy shit did she feel them but she still couldn’t say them. She watched as Maggie cried in front of her and her heart broke. This sweet amazing, loving, and understanding woman was blaming herself. 

Gently Alex cupped Maggie’s tear stained cheeks and looked deep into her eyes. “Maggie, I care for you so much and you make me so happy. Please you have nothing to be sorry for. You’re not pushing me. We’re not rushing.” Alex brushed away the woman’s tears with her thumbs and leaned forward to place a soft kiss on her forehead. 

Maggie sighed and leaned into the touch. It wasn’t lost on her that Alex didn’t say those words. It wasn’t lost on her that Alex just told her she cared. If was fine to be cared about but Maggie didn’t want to be cared about she wanted to be loved damn it. She lost herself in Alex’s touch for a moment before she moved her hands up to take Alex’s ones that held her face. She was trying to hard to get Alex to realized that she love her and that she, Maggie, needed to be loved in return. Slowly Maggie pulled Alex’s hands from her face and sat back, she clutched the other woman’s hand in her own.

“I love you, Alex.” Maggie whispered as she reached up to cup the other woman’s beautiful face. Alex smiled and placed her hand over Maggie’s, she turned her head and placed a kiss to the palm of Maggie’s hand. Maggie’s heart broke. She hurt so much and Alex couldn’t see it. “But I can’t do this anymore.”

Alex’s world exploded. Everything crashed. No. No. No. This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening. This is exactly what Alex was trying so hard to avoid. This exactly why Alex was working so hard to get clean, to get sober. This had to be a nightmare, one that Alex would wake from at any moment to find Maggie curled into her side. Every thought in Alex’s head screamed. 

The redhead quickly shot up in panic and moved to stand in front of Maggie, she gently grabbed Maggie’s arms and looked down at her. “No. No, Maggie. I need you. I’m sorry if I’ve been pushing you away I didn’t realized I was. But please don’t do this.” Alex pleaded as she pulled Maggie into a hug. It wasn’t lost on her how Maggie barely hugged her back. 

“You’re obviously going through something right now that you don’t want me to be part of,” Maggie explained gently. She had to put distance between her and the other woman or she’d lose all her resolve. “Just tell me what’s going on with you? Why you’re always out late and making phones calls all the time. I need your honesty, Alex.”

Alex moved to her girlfriends side and her face in her hands. She pulled the other woman’s gaze up to look her in the eyes. She smiled gently though and brushed her thumbs over Maggie’s cheeks. This woman took her breath away. This woman amazed her. “I promise you, Maggie that what I am doing isn’t what you think. I care for you far too much to hurt you,” Alex whispered lovingly as she leaned down to brush her lips over Maggies. 

The shorter woman lost herself in the touch for just a moment before she pulled back, “Then just tell me what it is.”

“I-I can’t. I’m sorry but not yet,” Alex said sadly as she rested her forehead against Maggies and looked down into her eyes. She wanted to tell Maggie everything but she just wanted ready. She needed to make sure she could get through this. She wanted to complete as much of the program as she could and deal with as much of her unresolved issues as she could before she told Maggie. She wanted to make sure she could make it another few days sober before she poured her heart out for this beautifully amazing woman. 

Maggie sighed heavily and pulled away from Alex. She was upset, very upset. She asked for honesty, for communication and she got shut down and pushed away. She wiped her tears off her cheeks and headed for the door. Alex watched her in confusion as she gathered her jacket. “I love you, Alex,” She stated sadly, “But I need to be alone right now and I think you do too. I’ll call you tomorrow.” And with that Maggie left and Alex’s world collapsed. 

Numbly Alex dropped to the couch and just sat. She didn’t know what just happened. Well she did but she didn’t. She knew she probably should have just been honest with Maggie but she couldn’t. She wasn’t rushing any of what she was doing. She needed to be sure. She needed to be sober and right and clear headed before she told anyone in her family or friends. But Maggie had just walked out, that should have changed everything. She did say she just needed to be alone, she had every right to be upset and want space. She’d come to Alex and asked for honest for communication and Alex shut her down. Alex was the one from the beginning that had been an advocate for communication and honesty and now here she was being a hypocrite. Part of her screamed at her to go after her, to try and talk through it. Part of her told her to go talk to Maggie and explain that what she was doing wasn’t bad just something she had to do alone and for herself before she could tell anymore. Surely if she explained it that way the other woman would understand. But instead Alex remain rooted in her spot on the couch. 

Every thought in her head raced and it drove Alex crazy. She just needed everything to shut up. She just needed some silence so she could figure what the hell just happened out. But no matter how hard she tried she couldn’t get the voice to shut up, the thoughts to stop racing. Between her worry about Kara and the worry she had for Maggie her skull pounded. Just a few short hours ago she was beating herself up for Kara getting hurt. She’d come home in hopes of cuddling up with her amazing girlfriend who would tell her over and over again that it wasn’t her fault. That she did everything she could. That Kara would be fine and that she needed to stop blaming herself. But no. Instead she came home to a heartbroken girlfriend who’d spent the last week being pushed away by her girlfriend so badly that she’d started to believe the other woman was off doing God knows what. 

She’d honestly thought things were fine with her and Maggie. She had no idea the other woman felt this way. Alex thought that since she’d been feeling better that things between her and her lover were getting better as well. Apparently Alex was wrong. 

Fuck, she needed a drink. 

Four hours later, Alex found herself pleasantly drunk in a bar in some part of National City that she never thought she’d cross into. The alcohol hummed through her veins and the thoughts in her head were finally silent. She’d managed to chat up a few guys in return for some free drinks. She was pretty sure they thought they were getting lucky. Alex had to laugh when one of them attempted to touch her but quickly found their wrist broken. She was only there for the alcohol nothing more. She was feeling good. For the first time in a week she was feeling like nothing mattered. She was no longer numb and sad, she was ready to party and have some fun. 

However, her fun was quickly damped when at one point as she danced with one of the gentleman that bought her a drink she turned towards the door and found Luc. The other woman stood on the edge of the dance floor, arms over her chest, and a very annoyed look on her face. Apparently Alex neglected to realize that one of the bartenders was in the program and had called Luc to inform he that her sponsee was having a good ol time. She’d yelled the other woman’s name happily and attempted to drag her to the dance floor but Luc refused. Instead she grabbed Alex’s arm, slammed the glass down on a nearby table, and dragged Alex out to her jeep. 

Luc didn’t say anything as Alex attempted to fight against her and go back to the bar. She kept telling Luc that she didn’t want to leave. That she was having fun. Just as they got to the Jeep Alex pulled her arm from Luc’s grasp and punched her. Had Alex been sober and not wobbly from the alcohol that filled her veins it would have be a nasty right hook. Alex stopped and just look at Luc. She couldn’t believe she’d just done that. She had no idea why she did that. Luc just looked up at her as she brought her hand up to rub over the part of her jaw where Alex’s hand had made contact. Alex braced herself, she waited for the yelling and the cursing but it never came. Alex thinks the silence is much scarier than the yelling. 

The shorter woman just opened the passenger side door and walked away. It was a silent order for her to get in the truck and Alex complied. She carefully slipped into the vehicle next to Luc. They sat there for a long moment, neither speaking. 

“What happened,” Luc asked gently her voice full of compassion. Alex could see the other woman’s grip on the steering wheel, her knuckles were white. Luc was trying so hard not to get angry, anger wasn’t what Alex needed right now. Right now the other woman needed support and compassion. But Lord how she wanted to rip into her, especially after that right hook to her chin. Good rule of thumb: never punch a Marine. 

Alex broke. She started sobbing and crying her. She kept repeating how sorry she was over and over again. She apologized for punching Luc, telling the other woman that she didn’t know why she did it. Luc just brushed it off, told her it was ok that she was more worried about what happened to cause her to fall again. Alex broken down and told Luc what happened with Maggie. Luc decided that this was a conversation that should not be had in a car. She started to head towards Alex’s apartment when the other woman stopped her with a hand on her arm. Alex plead with her not to take her home. To take her somewhere else, stating that she couldn’t handle being in a place that reminded her so much of Maggie when the other woman wasn’t there. Luc agreed and chose to head to her apartment.

She carefully helped Alex out of her car and up the stairs to her apartment. Alex had laughed and fallen to the floor when she was greeted by Luc’s pet bulldog. She’d spent a good hour sitting on the floor petting the dog. Luc was completely fine with leaving her there until she sobered up. 

“Maggie wants a dog,” Alex had finally said after a few minutes. It was the first time Alex had ever said her girlfriends name to Luc. The name brought back a lot of memories for the other woman but now wasn’t the time. “I was gonna get her one for her birthday in a couple weeks but she left me so,” Alex slurred as she gently scratched behind the dog’s ears. Tears brimmed Alex’s eyes and Luc watched as sobs started to rock her body. Finally taking pity on the woman Luc reached down and helped her up. The walked to Luc’s couch and the other woman made her sit. 

Luc made Alex explain to her what happened and Alex gave her every detail of her talk or was it a fight with Maggie. She told Luc about how Maggie had walked out on her saying that she needed space. Luc had told Alex that Maggie didn’t leave her, that the other woman just needed to process something's on her own. Much the way Alex had to process things on her own. Alex didn’t really believe her but she was too drunk to argue. Luc had asked if that was the only thing that made her want to drink that night. Alex admitted that it wasn’t. That’s when Alex broke down once again and told Luc all about what happened at work that day, or at least she told her as much as she could. Alex was a sobbing drunken mess and Luc just held her and let her cry. Once again Luc was her rock, she picked her up and helped her. She never once yelled or judged. She never once got mad at Alex or tried to tell Alex what to do. She just sat and listened as Alex sobbed and finally let all her feelings out. Luc just held her and listened until finally Alex fell asleep.


	10. Chapter 10

Alex woke the next morning with a hangover from hell. Slowly she sat up and looked around, confusion graced her face when she didn’t recognize where she was or whose clothes she was in. Carefully she got out of the bed, no sooner did she stand up did the room spin on her and she braced her hand on the wall to steady herself. For a moment she wondered just how much she had to drink. 

Drink. Oh shit. 

She groaned as she realized what happened the night before. She tossed out a week of sobriety over a fight with Maggie. However, the rest of the night was a haze. She remembered walking to the liquor store and buying a cheap bottle of whiskey. She remembered drinking it while she walked. She remembered a bar but after that it was a blank. 

She stumbled out of the bedroom and was greeted once again by an overly eager bulldog. She leaned against the doorway as the dog sniffed around her feet. God, how her head hurt. Crap, Luc was gonna be mad.

“Morning sleeping beauty,” Luc said teasingly from across the apartment. Alex glanced up at the other woman and found her standing at the stove cooking. It was then that the smell hit Alex’s senses. 

Pancakes and bacon. 

Alex’s stomach lurched for a moment and she found herself looking towards the bathroom. The feeling passed and Alex slowly made her way to the kitchen island where she say in one of the stools. She dropped her head in her hands and willed for her headache to just go away. The guilt was enough of a punishment she didn’t really need the physical punishment. A mug of steaming coffee was placed in front of her along with two little white pills. Aspirin. Alex grabbed the pills and mug like it was a life line and quickly tossed them back. A bottle of gatorade was placed on the counter next to the coffee.

“What? No pedialyte this time,” She asked sourly as she picked the bottle up and downed it.

Luc laughed, “No not this time. Just gatorade, it’s good for a hangover.” The other woman turned back to the stove and shoveled out a couple pancakes onto a plate with some bacon. She set them down in front of Alex before turning off the stove and leaning against the island opposite Alex. 

“What happened last night,” Alex asked a she reached over and picked up a piece of bacon to nibble on. Her gaze avoided Luc’s at all cost, she wasn't’ ready to see the disappointment in the other’s womans eyes. Nor was she ready to be yelled at but she figured she deserved it. 

The short haired woman took a sip of her coffee before speaking, “Well Crystal called me from the bar and said you were wrecked. I showed up to find you dancing and having a good time. I tired to drive you home but you begged me not to so I brought you here.”

“Did we,” Alex trailed off embarrassed and gestured down to the clothes she was wearing. She left the question unsaid and hoped Luc picked up on her meaning.

Luc laughed and shook her head, “No. Definitely not. You spent the night crying and sobbing over Maggie and your fight. You’re wearing my clothes because in the course of helping you sober up you spilled coffee all over yourself.” A sigh of relief escaped Alex and she felt her entire body relax. “Look, Alex I’m not really here to give you relationship advice but I really think now is the time to talk to your girlfriend.” 

Alex started to object but Luc stopped her with a hand. “I’m serious. You need to talk to her and at the very least communicate to her that what you’re doing is something you need to do alone at first and you’ll tell her everything when you’re ready. You told me what happened but I don’t think you did a good job expressing yourself and she had every right to leave.” Luc placed a hand on Alex’s arm to get her attention. “You’re going through a lot of emotions right now that’s normal. You’re gonna want to close yourself off and be even more distant because without the alcohol the feelings are too much to handle. I know that feeling all too well.”

“I feel like I’m drowning,” Alex whispered sadly, “I feel like I just want everyone to leave me alone. I can’t process everything that I’m feeling inside and deal with everyone else’s bullshit. I just want to be left alone but I know I can’t. I know I can’t stop being an agent and my sister’s protector, I can’t stop being Maggie’s girlfriend and frankly I don’t want to. But I just want everything else to stop.” Alex ran her hands through her hair in frustration. She just wanted everything to stop. She just wanted things to be calm, to make sense, to stop making her feel like she couldn’t breathe. That’s what she was trying to accomplish last night and it worked, for the night it worked. But in the light of day and sobriety everything was even louder.

“Why does the weight of the world have to rest on my shoulders,” Alex asked in defeat. Tears burned her eyes and all she wanted at that moment was to scream. She felt like everything was closing in on her. Like no matter how hard she tried everything was just closing in and crashing down and she was just there, moving in slow motion to it. 

Luc moved around the island and took a seat next to Alex. She placed a gentle hand on the back of the other woman’s back. “You’re gonna feel like that for a while, Alex. Everything you’ve ever suppressed with alcohol is going to come back up and you’re gonna feel like the world is swallowing you. For so long you’ve self medicated your issues with alcohol, you’ve used the alcohol to forget rather than process. Now that you’re sober it’s all going to come back up and you need to process it. You need to talk about it. Not just with me but with your sister, with Maggie, with your mother.” Luc’s words were soft and kind. Alex had to laugh at herself. Every time she thought she messed up so bad that Luc would be angry the woman always countered with unbelievable compassion and understanding. But Alex figured there’s had to be a point where the woman would get angry. 

“This is the next hard part. You have to talk about your feelings because if you don’t you’re gonna end up pushing everyone that ever cared about you away,” Luc’s words gentle but full of conviction. Alex just nodded in agreement, she had no strength to keep talking. Luc sighed heavily and gave her back one last comforting rub before getting up. She reached over and placed Alex’s phone in front of her. “Now,” Luc said softly, “Call that lady of yours. She keeps calling.” 

Alex glanced at the screen and her eyes widened when she found 12 missed calls from Maggie, 4 from Kara, and 2 from J’onn. Panic set in when she realized what time it was. She was a no call no show for work. Everyone had to be freaking out. “Can I,” Alex picked up the phone and gestured to Luc’s balcony. 

Luc shook her head, “I wouldn’t. Nosy neighbors. But I’m about to take Frank here on his long walk so stay and make your calls. If you do need to leave the door will lock behind you.” The short haired woman picked up a leash that hug by the door and clipped it onto the bumbling fat bulldog. She grabbed her keys and headed for the door. “I’ll have my phone so if you need anything call me, if not I’ll be back in like twenty.” And with that she left, fat drooling bulldog leading the way. 

The DEO watched the door slowly shut before she unlocked her phone. She quickly checked her texts and found over a dozen from Maggie. The other woman was beyond upset. From the tone of the texts Alex could tell she went from apologetic, to worried, to angry, to worried, and back to angry. She felt like crap, not just because of the hangover but because of her behavior towards the other woman. Maggie was trying to be so understanding and trying so hard to communicate and Alex just shut her down. Things had really flipped in their relationship. In the beginning Alex was all about the communication and Maggie was the broody keep my feelings to myself I don’t trust anyone part of the equation. Now here they are, Maggie trying to hard to communicate and get her feelings out and Alex was the one slamming her walls up and being broody. What had happened to her? Did killing her father really turn her into this dark shadow of who she used to be? When did she become so dark.

She finished checking her messages. She decided Maggie would be the first person she called. Work could be damned at this point. And as much as she loved her sister she was more concerned about the current state of her relationship. In due time she’d call J’onn and Kara. But to be on the safe side and rest their worry she sent the two a quick text confirming that she was alive and would call them as soon as she could with an explanation. She didn’t wait for a replay before she dialed Maggie’s number and raised the phone to her ear.

The line rang a few times before Maggie’s voicemail picked up. Alex sighed heavily. She should have known the other woman wouldn’t be up for talking at this point. As far as Maggie was concerned Alex had been ignoring her. “Hey you. It’s me,” Alex began softly once Maggie’s voicemail had clicked for her to record a message, “I’m sure you’re upset with me right now and you have every right to be. But we need to talk. It’s not bad I promise but it is time I’m honest with you...or well as honest as I can be right now. I know I’ve been horrible at the communication thing lately and I’m sorry but I’m ready to change that. I’ll meet you at home.” Alex paused for a moment. She had so much at that moment she wanted to say but she knew it had to wait until she and Maggie could sit and talk. Instead she settled for ending call the call. 

Just as she hung up from Maggie her phone lit up with an incoming call from the DEO. Alex didn’t need answer the call to know who it was. J’onn. The older alien was not impressed and for ten minutes Alex had to listen to J’onn give her an ass chewing. All she could do was agree. Her behavior as of late had been unprofessional and fell below standards. Her irresponsible disregard for protocol during their last mission and then not calling to inform him of her absence was a clear violation of DEO policy. It was clear dereliction of duty. He told her that he could understand her going through some stress after what happened with her father but that didn’t mean she could just disregard work and her responsibilities. Her told her that he believed she was doing better, that she’d gotten better, her past week at work had been better then it’d been in months. But after today. Oh after today he was greatly upset at her and so very disappointed. Alex agreed with him 100% and promised that it wouldn’t happen again. J’onn told her it wasn’t enough. That serious violations of policy such as this needed to be dealt with, with immediate corrective action. J’onn informed her that effective immediately she was being placed on a two day suspension without pay. Alex didn’t argue. She knew what she’d done and she knew that the punishment was light. The last time an agent was no call no show for work they’d been suspended without pay for a week. Alex got off easy. 

She concluded her call with J’onn. She could tell that she’d disappointed him. She could also tell that he was upset over her behavior as of late. She’d looked to J’onn as a father figure, knowing she’d upset him and disappointed him made Alex feel like complete shit. 

Next she called Kara.

“Alex,” Kara answered in surprise. Alex’s brow wrinkled in confusion. Kara answered the phone almost as if she was telling someone else who it was and not actually answering the call. 

“Hey, I’m sorry I went MIA. Maggie and I had a fight last night and I had to just get away for a bit. I’m fine though and clearly alive,” Alex laughed. 

“Uh yeah. I heard,” The younger Danvers woman responded almost in uninterest.

Alex was confused. It was almost like Kara was hiding something. She seemed to uninterested in hearing from her sister who she hadn’t heard from in close to twenty-four hours and who did not show up to work. Both of which were very unlike Alex. Alex heard a shuffling on the other end and muffled voice. Bingo. Kara was with someone. But who. She decided that didn't matter at the moment. What matter was apologizing to her sister for her behavior as of recent. 

“Kara, I’m sorry about lately. I know I haven’t been my normal self,” Alex explained carefully. She hear her sister snort almost as if to say ‘you think?’ Alex felt it like a blow to the face. God, she’d been horrible lately. “And I know I’ve been treating you, and Maggie, and mom, and even J’onn like crap and I’ve been weird. But that’s gonna change. I’m working on somethings right now and when I figure it all out I’m gonna talk to you. You’re all gonna know. But for now just please let me be me,” She finished with conviction. She just needed everyone to give her a little more time. She’d come to accept that she needed to tell them what was going on and she needed to do it soon but for now she just needed a little space to figure it all out.

Kara took a deep breath on the other end. She too had to gather her thoughts because Alex’s words were not what she was expecting. After spending the morning comforting an upset Maggie who was so convinced that Alex was cheating on her or about to break up with her she was not expecting a call from Alex. She certainly wasn’t expecting the call to involve Alex explaining that she’d basically in light terms been the worst sister and girlfriend in existence. And after Maggie played the voicemail Alex had left for her even Kara was convinced that something bad was about to happen. 

“Alex, you need to figure out what’s going on with yourself. You’re my sister and I love you and I would never judge you but you do have things you need to work out,” The younger woman explained as gently as she could. The last thing she wanted was to upset her sister and have the woman go back to being cold and distant with her. 

The older Danvers woman felt like shit. How was she not able to see that her behavior pre-sobriety and post sobriety was horrible. Luc was right, she’d started pushing everyone away. The other woman had warned her about it, told her that’s why she advised that Alex tell her family and friends what she was doing. They needed to know so they could understand why she became so closed off. They needed to know so they could help her. Could pull her out of this hole she was digging herself into.

“I know,” Alex whispered softly defeat laced her words, “I am Kara. I promise you that’s what I’m doing. I don’t want to get into this on the phone but we need to talk. Why don’t we have a sister night like old times?”

It’d been weeks if not months since the two had hung out and had their usual sister nights. After everything with Alex’s father the two had stopped hanging out. Alex felt guilty over what she had to do. And Kara wasn’t sure how to react. 

Kara debated it for a second. Across from her Maggie shook her head telling the younger woman she should say yes. One of them should at least attempt to repair their relationship with the other woman. Maggie had started to feel like the repairs she was trying to make were a lost cause. She should at least be supportive of the one person that was her support at the moment. 

“Ok,” Kara gave in, “Friday night. But I want double potstickers. You have a lot of sucking up to do.” Her tone was light and a genuine smile crossed her face. Maggie chuckled. On the other end Alex agreed without a second thought. The older Danvers woman was relieved. At least she could start slowly mending the bridge with her sister. She loved Maggie, there was no doubt about that, and if you asked she’d probably tell you she couldn’t live without her. But Kara. Kara was different. Kara was her family and if there was anything Alex couldn’t live without for sure it was her family. The two finalized their plans for Friday night and Alex apologize once again for her behavior. Kara just told her that she was there for her, anytime, and to stop pushing her away. Alex agreed. The two ended their call and Kara turned her attention to Maggie.

“She told me that we needed to talk too, so maybe it’s not bad like you think.” She explained gently and gave Maggie a hopeful smile.

Maggie let out a huff as she started down into the mug she sat holding, “I don’t know, Little Danvers. She and I haven’t been right since everything with her dad. I’ve tried to talk to her, to comfort her but she just closes me out. I thought things had changed this week but last night was just a giant step back.”

“But I don’t think she’s seeing someone else, Maggie. Alex may not be herself right now but she’ll always be loyal. And she absolutely crazy about you. She loves you,” Kara reasoned.

The detective shook her head, “I don’t think she does. I’ve told her I love her and she won’t say it back. Last night she just said she cares for me. You don’t say you care for someone if you love them like I thought she loved me.” Saying it hurt. Saying it meant he had to acknowledge it. Alex didn’t love her. She’d opened herself up to someone, to Alex, and she got hurt again. She’d done as Alex asked in the beginning and trusted her and now here she was: Hurt. Broken. And being lied to. 

“So talk to her,” The younger woman suggested. She was at a loss. Maggie looked so broken. This strong independant woman that Kara had met just a few months ago was sitting across from her, in her apartment on the verge of tears. This was a side of Maggie that Kara didn’t know could exist. This was a side that only Alex was allowed to see. And yet here Maggie sat, in Kara’s apartment, showing her this side. Maggie was truly at a loss. 

“I’ve tried, Kara. That’s what last night was and it didn’t work,” Maggie said in absolute defeat. Talking wasn’t working. She was getting tired of talking. She wanted Alex. She wanted her Alex back. She wanted the woman that wanted to know what the hell she was doing on her crime scene. She wanted the woman that teasingly asked her after Maggie kissed her for the first time if that meant she liked her. She just wanted the woman she loved to love her back. “She doesn’t want to talk to me. She doesn’t want to be with me. She wants to be with whoever it is she’s always running off to have secret calls with. Who she’s always texting. Who she’s meeting with after work. Who she’s probably with right now,” Maggie said angrily. 

If you asked Maggie right now how she felt she’d tell you she felt like the stupidest person on the planet. She’d tell you that karma is a bitch. She’d tell you that life sucks. She knew being with Alex was too good to be true. There’s no way after the things Maggie has done to others that she’d ever get lucky enough to have and keep someone like Alex. Even after Alex told her she didn’t think she was a bad person, Maggie should have known then that this was too good to be true. The universe doesn’t take cheating lightly. This was Maggie’s karma. She’d screwed up with one girlfriend and this was the universe's way of getting back at her. The cheater falls head over heels in love, and gets cheated on. Fucking karma. 

Kara shook her head. She knew Alex. She knew Alex well enough to know that one) she was head over heels in love with Maggie and two) Alex didn’t have a single cheating bone in her body. There was no way her sister would ever, could ever hurt someone that way. Now Alex could deal a punch and she was not above torturing hostiles but she was definitely way above cheating. 

“Maggie, I think you’re really upset and you’re letting your mind run with the worst case scenario,” The blonde explained softly as she reached out and placed a hand on Maggie’s arm. “Don’t think this way please. Just go home tonight and talk to her. Tell her all this. Tell her how she’s made you feel lately and what her behavior has you thinking. Think of the positives and not the negatives.”

Maggie mumbled something about how that was easier said than done to which Kara just gave her a sad smile. Their talk was interrupted by Maggie’s phone. The detective glanced down to find that it was work. With as much of a smile she could manage she thanked Kara for listening to her, to which the other woman said it wasn’t a problem. Maggie then bid her goodbye and headed towards the crime scene she’d been called to. She decided getting lost in a case is exactly what she needed at the moment.

On the other side of town, Alex sat waiting for Luc to get back. She was going to leave right after she’d gotten off the phone with Kara but she decided that she should probably take her soiled clothes with her. Only problem was she couldn’t find them anywhere. After a few minutes the woman in question came trampling in bumbling bulldog following behind her. 

“You’re still here,” Luc greeted her in surprise. Personally she wasn’t expecting Alex to stick around. She completely understood that the woman probably felt a little uncomfortable. It was a new place, it was her sponsors place, and although the two talked like friends neither were quite ready to admit that they maybe friends. 

Alex nodded and stood up from the stool, “Yeah. I wanted to take my clothes from last night with me but I don’t know where you put them.”

Luc laughed, “Right. My bad.” The other woman walked across the kitchen to what Alex assumed was her laundry room. She watched as Luc pulled out a plastic bag and set it on the counter next to Alex. “I would have washed them but I ran out of detergent yesterday.”

The DEO agent shrugged and picked the bag up, “Thank you but it’s alright. You giving me a change of clothes was generous enough.”

The short haired woman just brushed her off and walked to the fridge for a bottle of water. “So you heading home to see your lady or heading to work?” Luc asked nonchalantly as she leaned against the counter next to the fridge. 

Alex sighed heavily. She knew Luc was going to inquire. Not because she was nosy but because wanted to make sure Alex was in the right state of mind to leave. She wanted to make sure Alex wasn’t gonna go home and get drunk again. “I am heading home but not by choice,” Alex stated solemnly. At Luc’s confused eye raise she continued, “I got suspended for two days.”

“I see,” Luc said as she sipped her water, “And how does that make you feel?”

“Out of it. A little lost but I’ll manage,” Alex explained. Luc once again gave her a look that told her to elaborate. “I’m not going to go home and drink. Yes I want a drink. I’m back at square one, I know. But I don’t want another relapse. I have way too much on the line now and I want to make things right.”

Luc set her water down and stepped up to Alex. She took the other woman’s shoulders in her hands and gave them a light squeeze, her way of saying ‘I’m proud of you’. “Then go,” She said with a smile, “Go home and talk to that lady of yours.”

It was Alex this time that pulled her into a brief hug and Luc was a little more than surprised. “Thank you, Luc.” She said sincerely. She was extremely grateful for this woman and her support. She was so appreciative that Luc decided to take the leap and talk to her that night. Alex is pretty sure that if she hadn’t she’d still be a full blown alcoholic on the path the self destruction. “But I have one more favor to ask,” Alex said in embarrassment, “Since I spilled coffee all over my clothes I don’t have a sweater or anything and it’s still kinda cold out. Do you have a jacket or something I could borrow?”

The Marine laughed and gestured to the closet next to the front door. “Check the closet. I’m sure I have something.” And with that she turned to pick up her bottle of water. 

Alex walked over to the closet and opened the door. She glanced over all the jackets that Luc had. Of course there were varying sorts of military jackets. There were a couple NCPD Police windbreakers much like the one Maggie wore, Alex assumed they were Danni’s. She smiled sadly as she glanced over at Luc who stood flipping though something on her phone completely oblivious to Alex standing at the closest feeling sorry for her. Alex turned back to her quest and her eyes landed on a soft brown leather jacket. Carefully she pulled the jacket out of the closet, deciding it would do for now. She slipped it on her shoulders and shut the door to the closet. 

Luc looked her way as she heard the closet door close. The words that were on her tongue died at her lips as she looked at Alex. The other woman quickly noticed her change in demeanor. “Is-Its this ok? I can borrow a different jacket,” Alex said as she moved back towards the closet with the intention of finding something different.  
“No,” Luc said rather forcefully causing Alex to look at her with concern, “It’s fine. It’s just...that was…” She trailed off. Her heart broke all over again. “It was Danni’s jacket,” Luc finally admitted with a sad smile.

It wasn’t just a jacket though. 

It was Danny's favorite jacket. Luc could still remember her lover in that very jacket. It was a soft brown leather jacket, it sat a little big on Danni but the woman prefered it that way, it was long but not too long just long enough at the waist to cover the woman’s badge and gun. Luc used to tease her and tell her it was too big for her, Danni would get mad at first then after a while she’d tell Luc that if she thought it was too big that maybe she should come take it off her. There was always a seductive glint in her eye when she said it and it drove Luc crazy. She could remember the last time she saw Danni in that jacket. It was the day before her death. Luc had come out of the bedroom after getting ready for work. She was dressed in her regular Marine fatigues and Danni was dressed in her typical detective attire. She made slacks, a button down, a badge, and a gun look damn good. The leather jacket just topped it all off. Luc remembers seeing her smile at her from across the kitchen and thinking ‘this is the woman I’m gonna marry.’ If she’d known that twenty-four hours later she’d lose her she would have gotten down on one knee right there and popped the question. 

Alex calling her name snapped her out of her memories. “If you want I can grab a different one,” Alex said genuinely. She really didn’t want to cause Luc any pain or anguish by wearing the jacket. And she certainly didn’t want to take something so precious away from Luc if it was going to upset the woman.

“No, really it’s ok, Alex.” Luc said sincerely.

The redhead wasn’t entirely convinced but she could tell by Luc’s tone that it wasn’t up for discussion anymore. She thanked the woman once again for her generosity and told her she would try to make it to the meeting that night. Talking to Maggie was more important to her at the moment but she still wanted to try and be there. Luc told her to just try but if she couldn’t she’d completely understand. She told Alex that she was starting all over again with her recovery but it should be a little easier this time because she knew what to expect. The agent thanked her once again and left. She got outside and hailed a cab. The entire ride back to her place Alex sat and attempted to compose in her mind what she was going to tell Maggie. Alex was ready to make a change. She was truly 100% serious about this. She would be sober.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and Maggie talk. Maggie finds a jacket.

When Maggie walked in the door the first thing she noticed was there was food. Cooked food. Cooked food that Alex must have made. And it wasn’t mac and cheese. She set her bag down by the door and hung her jacket up. She was impressed. Alex rarely cooked, usually she left that for Maggie stating that she’d burn water if were possible. The only think Alex could make was microwavable mac and cheese, which in turn was the redheads favorite meal. She stepped further into the room and noticed that the table was set for two, there was a small fire going in the fireplace, the lights were set low to give the room some ambience. Maggie’s curiosity was perked. It’d been a long time since she’d come home to a romantic scene such as this. To be honest she was hesitant to come to Alex’s...to come home...after the voicemail she’d received. She was almost positive that whatever Alex needed to talk about was not going to end well for her. But in the end she decided to because as much as the other woman had hurt her lately she still deserved an attempt at an explanation and frankly Maggie deserved an explanation herself.

“Hey you’re home,” Alex greeted happily as she wiped her hands on a dish towel and walked towards Maggie. She leaned down and briefly but deeply kissed the shorter woman hello. “Dinner is almost ready. I just gotta grab the last dish. Have a seat,” Alex explained as she went back to the stove and opened the over to grab whatever dish she had in there. 

Maggie unclipped her gun and badge, she set them gently on the counter across from where Alex stood. She watched her girlfriend in interest. This was definitely new. So very, very new but also very pleasant. “Since when to do you cook,” Maggie teased as she moved over to take a seat at the table.

Alex laughed as she brought the last dish over, “Since today. I’ve been working on this all day. If it sucks I’m sorry.” She set the dish down before she took a seat next to Maggie. “I just,” She began before dropping her head in mild embarrassment, “I just wanted to do something special for you since I’ve been kinda horrible lately.” In truth Alex had spent the day thinking about how she’d been towards everyone the last few weeks. She’d been a shitty girlfriend there was no denying that. She’d kept secrets. She’d been nasty. She’d been argumentative about everything. Frankly she had no idea why Maggie stuck around but she was so glad the other woman had.

The other woman reached out and took her lover’s hand in her own. “Alex, I just want to know what’s going on. Just talk to me please,” Concern laced Maggie’s voice and she reached out to grasp Alex’s chin. Gently she pulled the other woman’s head up to look her in the eyes. “You once told me that you weren’t here to judge me for what I did in my past and that I had to stop pushing those I care about away. So now I’m telling you that I'm not going to judge you for whatever you have to tell me and I’m not going to put up with you pushing me away.” Although there was concern in her words they were still the right amount of serious to tell Alex that she had to start explaining.

“I never meant to push you away,” Alex whispered sadly as she reached out to brush away the lock of hair that had fallen in Maggie’s face, “I didn’t even realized I was doing that. I’m so sorry.”

Maggie smiled at her sadly, “Don’t be sorry, sweetie. Just tell me what’s going on with you. You’ve got me worried. I don’t know what to think anymore. For the past week I’ve been thinking you’ve cheating on me or something.”

Alex balked, “Why would you think that? I’d never do something like that to you.” Maggie’s words shocked her. Out of all the things that Alex could think that Maggie would be thinking cheating never once crossed Alex’s mind. She didn’t think that Maggie would ever think she could be that low of a person, that’s she’d ever do that. The fact that Maggie had been thinking that kinda hurt Alex. But she couldn’t really blame the woman. Alex had pulled away, she had become secretive, she had become cold towards her. Alex figured the only real logical explanation was that she was cheating. 

The detective pulled away and stood up. She was agitated and nervous. If Alex wasn’t seeing someone else then what in the hell else could she been doing. There was nothing else that could explain the phone calls, the texts, the being gone for hours after work. Maggie ran a hand through her hair and started pacing the area next to the table. “The phone calls, Alex. The calls that you rush off to make when no one else is around. Or the texting. The texts you’re always sending and getting that you’re quick to hide,” Maggie accused hotly. She was frantic and on the verge of anger. She’d promised she wouldn’t get upset, that she’d let Alex talk and be understanding but this was not at all how she figured this would go.

From her seat Alex stared in confusion and mild shock. She hadn’t realized she come across as so secretive when she’d call or text Luc for support. She figured she was just being private because it was a private matter. She never once stopped to realized how it would look to her girlfriend. How it would make her feel. Slowly she stood and moved to standing in front of Maggie. She could tell her girlfriend was upset and one the verge of breaking. Maggie stopped her pacing when Alex stepped in front of her. She kept her head down however, her arms crossed over her chest, and her body ridged. Maggie had effectively put her walls back up in anticipation of the heartbreak she was sure she was about to bear. Gently Alex reached out and cupped Maggie’s face causing the other woman to jump and her gaze to flick to Alex’s. With a loving shake of her head Alex leaned down and kissed Maggie. It was soft and slow but full of so much love and passion. Maggie melted into the kiss and her hands moved to rest on the taller woman’s hips, she leaned into her lover and got lost. A voice in the back of Maggie’s head started screaming, telling her to savor it because it felt like a final goodbye.

When they finally separated due to lack of air, Alex rested her forehead against Maggie’s and looked down at the other woman lovingly. Her thumbs slowly brushed over the shorter woman’s cheeks and she couldn’t for the life of her look away. Alex’s heart swelled and she found herself completely enthralled by how absolutely beautiful this woman was. Alex knew she loved her. She knew she was head over complete heels for this woman. Alex opened her mouth. The words on the tip of her tongue. She was sure the words were written in her eyes by the way Maggie was looking at her. Maggie’s heart sped up and she reached up to place her hands over Alex’s. This was it. This was going to be the moment. Maybe just maybe there wouldn’t be heartache tonight for Maggie. Maybe everything she’d prepared herself for, all the bad feelings she’d been having were wrong. Maybe finally Maggie would hear the words she’d been longing to hear for few weeks.  
Alex tried to say it. She tried to get those three words out but she just couldn’t. It was almost like there was an invisible force that stole her ability to speak the second her mouth started to form those words. Alex let out a deep breath and her shoulders sagged. She couldn’t say the words that she could tall that Maggie wanted her to say but she could at least be honest. 

“I have been seeing someone,” Alex said slowly and she saw the heartbreak fill Maggie’s eyes, “But not like you’re thinking I promise.” The shorter woman pulled away abruptly. Anger flashed in her eyes and if looks could kill Alex was sure she’d be six feet under. “Maggie let me explain,” Alex said gently as she reached out for the other woman but quickly took her hand back when Maggie moved farther away from her.

“I think that would be wise right now,” Maggie snapped as she glared at Alex.

Alex moved towards the couch and sat down. She gestured for Maggie to take a seat next to her and the other woman slowly followed. “I’m going to explain everything as best as I can right now. I can’t tell you everything because I’m not ready for that yet. I’m not at that point yet but I will be and when I am I will tell you everything.” Alex looked towards the other woman with pleading eyes and held her hand out. She needed her lover to get through this. It wasn’t going to be easy for her to get through her emotions, to explain her emotions without Maggie’s support. She needed the other woman to be open and understanding. 

Maggie could sense Alex’s vulnerability and although she was still upset, still angry with her she couldn’t deny comforting her. She knew Alex well enough to know that she rarely if ever did anything that left her weak or feeling weak. Alex was one of the strongest people she knew. With a deep breath Maggie reached out and took Alex’s hand, she slid closer on the couch and squeeze the other woman’s hand.

“Thank you,” Alex whispered as she squeeze Maggie’s hand in return. This wasn’t going to be easy and it was probably going to leave Maggie a little confused but Alex knew she deserved an explanation. “I’ve been going through a lot right now,” Alex began carefully her gaze focused on her’s and Maggie’s joined hands, “And I decided to start seeing someone about it to try and figure it all out.” She let the words sink in for her girlfriend before she raised her gaze to look at Maggie. The shorter woman just stared at her for a long moment before it finally sunk it. Alex wasn’t seeing someone as in cheating, she was seeing someone as in therapy. 

Relief crossed Maggie’s face and she let out a long breath she hadn’t realized she was holding. “Oh thank God,” She whispered causing Alex to laugh lightly, “You’re seeing a therapist.” Alex bit her lip and nodded. She knew it wasn’t 100% the truth but Luc had kinda become her therapist lately. “Babe, that’s great. That’s such a relief,” Maggie explained happily before she realized how that sounded, “It’s a relief because I’ve been here thinking the absolute worst when really you’ve been doing something that is admirable and so good for you.” She reached out and pulled the other woman into a tight hug. “I am so proud of you, Alex,” She whispered into the other woman’s ear. 

Alex pulled her closer and buried her face in Maggie’s neck. She herself was so relieved. She didn’t expect for Maggie to be so understanding. She thought she’d have a lot more explaining to do. But when she heard Maggie whisper those words, tell her that she was proud, Alex felt incredible. She knew she was still technically lying to the other woman but she figured if Maggie assuming she was in counseling made her proud then Alex could only imagine how proud she’d been when Alex told her she was going to AA meetings and was sober. 

“So you’ll understand why lately I’ve been so weird,” Alex asked as she pulled away from their embrace. “It’s not that I don’t care for you or don’t want to be with you. It’s that I’m working through a lot of stuff and there’s days where I’m just so exhausted and even numb that I just become a robot.”

Maggie nodded in understanding. She completely understood and she was so proud. So, so proud of Alex. She never would have thought that the reason for Alex’s distance, the reason for her behavior as of late would because of the emotional work she was doing in counseling. But she was grateful it was that and not Alex seeing someone else romantically. “I understand completely Alex,” She said pride lacing her words, “You don't’ have to hide this. Counseling is nothing to be ashamed of.”

“I’m not ashamed,” Alex explained, “Its something that I want to do for me. Something that I know I need to do.” Alex wasn’t talking about counseling but Maggie didn’t know that. But Alex’s words were true and they were sincere. Getting sober was something she wanted to do. It was something she needed to do. “I can’t explain it all right now but this is something I need to do for myself. There’s stuff that I need to work out on my own so please understand that I need you to give me the space to do this. I’m not ready to share all the details with you, or with anyone, but when I am I will tell you.” Alex turned to her lover with a soft gaze that asked her not to argue, not to make this a bigger deal then it was. 

“Ok,” Maggie said in agreement, “When you’re ready to tell me I’ll be here. But know Alex that you don’t have to hide this from me or anyone around you. I understand and they will too.” Alex nodded and Maggie pulled her into another tight hug. God how she loved this woman. “I love you, Alex and I am so proud of you.” 

Alex knew she wanted to hear the words back but she just couldn’t. Once again that invisible force just kept her silent. Instead she pulled out of the hug and kissed her girlfriend once more. Maggie would be lying if she said that it didn’t hurt that Alex didn’t say the words back but now she kind of understood why. Alex was seeing someone about all her issues and maybe, just maybe, this was one of the issues Alex was working though. She was sure the other woman loved her, her actions proved that but Maggie still longed to hear the words. The two sat on the couch for a few long minutes letting their conversation sink in before Alex finally mentioned the dinner that was getting cold on the table. The two moved back to the table and Alex dished out whatever it was that she’d cooked for Maggie. It turned out to be pretty decent and the two spent the remainder of dinner idly talking about Maggie’s day. Alex had of course told Maggie that she’d been suspended. She didn’t get into details and she didn’’ mention that it was because she’d gotten drunk the night before and was too hungover at Luc’s to go to work. She’d just explained that she screwed up during the last mission with Supergirl and J’onn was mad which in turn made him suspend her for two days. She was worried that Maggie wouldn’t buy the story but she was relieved when she did. Of course the detective was upset that her girlfriend was suspended but she figured if Alex said that she deserved it then there was no need to dwell on it. 

They were just wrapping up cleaning dishes when Alex’s phone rang. She picked the device up and her gaze quickly flicked to Maggie when she saw Luc’s name flashing on the screen. She gave her girlfriend some quick excuse about it being Kara before she ducked out into the hallway. Maggie watched her go in confusion. Alex was never secretive about phone calls with Kara regardless of what the calls were about. She’d hoped that since Alex was honest to her about the counseling that all these secret calls and texts would stop. When Alex returned ten minutes later she had an anxious look on her face. 

“Everything ok with Kara,” Maggie asked as she finished drying a dish and placed it in the cabinet.

“Uh yeah,” Alex said a little distracted, “I need to go out. I’ll be back in a bit.” She grabbed her jacket and started towards the door. She was out of it and in the back of her mind she knew that Maggie could tell but she didn’t care. She’d just gotten off the phone with Luc and the other woman was not in the right mind at the moment. Luc had called her in tears, Alex had never heard the woman so upset. She was crying about Danni. Apparently the other woman had been having a rough day since Alex had pulled out that old leather jacket. Luc had apologized for calling her but she just couldn’t think of anyone else she could talk to. She’d tried Cruz but he wasn’t answering, and when she called his wife she informed her that she was undercover and completely unreachable. So Luc had called her because if she didn’t call someone she was going to drink the bottle of whiskey she had in the back of her jeep. 

“Wait, Alex,” Maggie said as she moved towards her girlfriend. She was worried. She’d never she Alex so out of it before. “Is it Kara? Did something happen? Do you want me to come along?” As she said the words she was walking over to pick up her badge and gun.

“No!” Alex practically yelled causing Maggie to stop abruptly and look at her in shock. “I’m sorry, Mags but no,” She said gently as she moved to stand before her lover. “It’s nothing bad. I can handle it. I’ll be back in a bit ok. Don’t wait up.” And with that she kissed Maggie briefly but deeply. Luc words about never taking a moment with her lover for grant it floating in her head. She tossed the curly haired woman one last smile before she grabbed her bike helmet and keys and headed out the door. 

Maggie stood staring at the door for a long moment. A bad feeling settled in her gut. Alex wasn’t telling her something. If the call had really been about Kara, Alex would have told her that. She wouldn’t have given her a couple word response and then just walked out the door. None of this made sense. Her lover still wasn’t being honest with her. All they’d talked about earlier just seemed vague to Maggie now that she thought about it. Alex had always been the one that was big on communication and talking but as of lately had been the most closed off of the two. 

With a still bad feeling in her gut Maggie focused on cleaning up from dinner. She walked over to her bag that sat by the door and picked it up, she moved to hang it over the back of the bar stool and picked up her jacket that hung off the second bar stool. She walked over to the coat closet with the intention of hanging it up. As she was tucking the jacket into it’s place, a brown leather jacket caught her attention. With a shaky hand she reached out and pulled the jacket from its hanger. There was no way this could be the jacket she thought it was. It had to be a look a like, it had to a be a coincidence. Alex had to have bought a new leather jacket that just so happened to look like her dead partner’s favorite jacket. Maggie ran her fingers down the sleeve of the jacket to the cuff. With a deep breath she looked down to find that unique tear in the lining of the jacket. Tears filled Maggie’s eyes as she fingered the tear. She knew this jacket. It’s been months since she’d seen it but she knew it. She’d never forget this jacket. She’d never forget the person that wore it. It was Danni’s jacket. 

Without a second thought Maggie pulled the jacket to her chest and held it tight. She missed the woman. Lord, how she missed her. A lone tear dropped from Maggie’s eye as she thought about the older woman. Danni hadn’t just been a partner to her. She’d been a friend. A best friend. Sometimes a mother. Sometimes a sister. But most definately a friend. If it hadn’t been for Danni, Maggie didn’t think she’d ever have made it past few first few days as a cop. Danni taught her everything she knew. They moved up the ranks together. Became detectives together. Then came the day were Danni was shot. Maggie blamed herself. She never should have let Danni go in without backup. Maggie spent weeks beating herself up for Danni’s death before she finally had enough and decided to just move on. That’s why she transferred. For her it was better to just forget and move on.

Maggie pulled the jacket back and look at it in confusion. How did this jacket, Danni’s jacket, come to be in their coat closet. Where did Alex get this from? The last person to have this jacket was….. Maggie’s face grew hard and she angrily squeezed the jacket in her hands. The only person that could have had this jacket was Luc. And suddenly it all made sense to Maggie. As if blaming her for Danni’s death wasn’t enough, Luc needed to mess with Maggie’s healthy happy relationship. Maggie took a deep breath to calm herself as she put the jacket back in the closet. She needed to process this. She needed to figure out what she was going to do. She knew she was going to have to confront Luc but she needed to wait for the right time. Right now she was too emotional. As much as she wanted to drive over to that woman’s apartment and demand she tell her what she was doing with Alex she knew she couldn’t. She knew if she went over there she’d find Alex and she really didn’t need to see that. She really didn’t need to see them together. She just couldn't believe that Alex would do that to her. She didn’t really know Luc that well so this couldn’t surprise her. For a moment she wondered what her old partner would say. She wondered how Danni would feel knowing that her lover had dropped so low as to go after Maggie though Alex. 

Maggie gently closed the closet door. No she wouldn’t go confront them tonight. She’d wait. She needed to organize her own thoughts and feelings first. She needed to process. A voice in the back of her mind spoke up. Told her that maybe it wasn’t want she thought it was. That maybe somehow Alex and Luc had just become friends and that’s all they were. The voice told her that maybe she was getting a little too crazy with this. That maybe her own trust issues were making her think the absolute worst about Alex. Maybe Maggie needed therapy too. All Maggie knew is that she just wanted the thought to stop. She just wanted some peace and calm so she could figure things out. 

C’mon there had to be a logical explanation for everything...right?


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and Kara talk. It deep and it's painful but it happens. Then there's Alex and Maggie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's some Alex and Kara time. And the ending...whew...let me tell you...I was totally not planning this but once it came into my mind I just went with it and I think I even felt it in my heart. Enjoy.

The DEO agent was feeling great, she was sober and there wasn’t a thought of alcohol anywhere in her mind. Her performance at work had improved much to J’onn’s relief which in turn had her back out in the field not just training new agents. She’d had her sister night with Kara tonight and there was more than enough potstickers ordered to keep the younger Danvers woman full for weeks. Alex was pretty sure that when she placed the order the man on the other end of the phone thought she was feeding a small army. Well Kara alone was a small army so it was fitting. Alex was of course nervous when she first arrived at Kara’s. It had been weeks since she’d spent any real time with her sister. She as always so busy drinking or wallowing away in her self hatred and self medication. She realized that this would be the first time she’d be hanging out with her own sister in a non-work setting. This would also be the first time since she realized some of her underlying issues that she’d see Kara. Alex knew she was going to have to talk to Kara about how she was feeling but she knew it was going to be difficult since Kara didn’t know all the reasons Alex was having issues. She merely hoped that Kara would understand enough. She also feared her sister would be upset and the last thing she wanted to do was hurt the younger woman. 

Next to Maggie, Kara was the most importation person in Alex’s life. Yeah, Luc had given her a long talk about how her sister was a big girl and could take care of herself, that Alex didn’t need to take care of her anymore. That maybe Kara would appreciate not having Alex hovering over her all the time, fighting all of her battles for her, coddling her even. Alex had argued that Kara would never want that and even if she did Alex couldn’t stop. Alex couldn’t imagine not protective Kara, she couldn’t imagine not being Kara’s own supergirl. Well who was Alex kidding. Kara was supergirl and frankly Alex was more like superwoman. Alex had gone on a rant the other night with Luc. She’d gone on and on about Kara and how she always had to protect Kara, take care of Kara, fight for Kara. There was some nasty things said, not overly nasty, just the typical things a person who is so absolutely frustrated and tired of all the responsibilities would say. Alex had finally let all her true emotions and thoughts out. And Luc just sat and listened. She let Alex go on and on and on about Kara and even her mother and how she always had to be the strong one. How she had to take her father’s place when he left. How maybe it was some of her resentment towards everything that happened since Kara came to live with them and then her father leaving them that made it just a little easier for Alex to pull that trigger. Alex had been happy and content being the sole child to her parents. She was the center of their world what kid wouldn’t want that. Then along came Kara. And it was all her father’s fault. He wanted to take her in when superman dropped her off. He thought it would be a great idea for Alex to have someone else around. Yeah, at first Alex thought it was cool that maybe she’d finally have a sister. I mean who doesn’t want a sister when they’ve spent 13 years being a lonely child. 

Alex had just ranted and ranted and ranted to Luc. Her emotions that night bounced from absolute rage to complete and utter sadness back to rage then dropping down to even pity for her sister. She was all over the place that night. When Alex finally collapsed in tears in the middle of Luc’s livingroom the short haired woman just sat next to her and let her cry. When Alex had finally composed herself Luc merely asked how she felt and Alex had to laugh. She laughed so hard she cried, she laughed like the whole night had been the funniest joke she’d ever heard. One would think she’d lost her mind, that finally after years of pent up rage and resentment and sadness Alex Danvers had finally cracked. But she hadn’t. She laughed because finally after so long she felt free. She finally felt like she could breathe. Like should could look at Kara and not feel this slithering anger deep in her gut that she’d spent most of her life time trying to control. For once she actually felt like she could look at Kara like her sister. 

Because it had been during her ranting and raving that Alex came to realize that none of what she felt was truly Kara’s fault. It had been just before she collapsed on the floor that it hit her. She’d been going on about how her mother had yelled at her for not looking after Kara, she’d been yelling at her for letting Kara get suspended for punching a boy. Her mother had yelled at her and told her that she should have been the one suspended. That if Alex had stood up and protected Kara the boy would have just gotten a black eye and not ended up in the emergency room with a broken nose and jaw. In that moment Alex’s mother didn’t care about Alex being the perfect student with the perfect grades that was just trying to make her mother proud. She wanted Alex to sacrifice all that so Kara could be normal and live undetected. Her mother wanted her to be the scapegoat for Kara, she wanted Alex to be the one to toss everything away so Kara could be perfect. 

Alex just sat in the middle of Luc’s floor when it hit her. It wasn’t Kara she was angry at. It was her mother and father. She’d gone so long looking at Kara as the reason her life got turned upside down. But it wasn’t. It was her parents. If they hadn’t put so much pressure on Alex, if they hadn’t focused so much more on Kara than her then maybe, just maybe, Alex wouldn’t have come to subconsciously resent the younger girl so much. Alex had just dropped her head in shame and cried. She felt horrible. For so long she’d been angry at Kara but pushed it down inside her because she needed to be the good big sister, the big sister that couldn’t hate her little sister no matter how much it clawed at her inside. She’d cried. Big old sobbing tears. And Luc just moved to sit next to her. She’d pulled Alex into a hug and just let her cry. When Alex had finally come up for air all Luc had said was, “So maybe it’s not Kara you’re angry with.” The other woman left it at that and Alex laughed. Why didn’t she realize it sooner. It was never Kara that was the problem. It was her parents. 

It was in that moment that Alex finally felt like she could breathe. Like it all finally made sense. She’d resented and been angry at Kara because that’s why it started but really it was her parents. It was her parents suddenly focusing all their attention on Kara that made Alex angry. Then came the pressure for Alex to protect and take care of Kara. Kara was just a helpless little girl that just needed a place to belong. 

Life was finally starting to make sense for Alex. Everything she’d ever felt in life was starting to slowly make sense. Alex had been angry at her parents but took it out on Kara which in turn made her feel horrible so she did all she could to push down inside her and try to forget it. But she couldn’t. So she needed something forget it. Enter the drinking. Alex had gone to college. She’d finally gotten away from her mother’s pressure of taking care of Kara. Alex could finally be free and focus on what she wanted to focus on, Alex could finally be Alex. She’d left Kara behind to struggle through her last few years of high school. Alex no longer needed to protect her. She couldn’t protect her because she off in college doing her own thing. Kara would finally have to grow up and take care of herself. Or so Alex thought. It didn’t work out that way. Her mother still blamed all of Kara’s shortcomings and issues on Alex. She’d always tell Alex it was her fault because she didn’t properly show Kara how to be a human. Everything, even when miles and miles away, would be Alex’s fault. And it was that stress that drove Alex to go to her first college party. She just wanted to relax and have a good time. And she did over and over and over again. That’s when Alex got herself lost in the word of partying and alcohol. 

She’d spent the majority of that night crying and yelling with Luc. She put her whole life, minus the alien stuff, out there for Luc. And it felt great. She’d left Luc’s feeling like she could finally take a deep breath and relax. She’d gotten home that night to find Maggie relaxing on the couch with a couple case files. She’d told Maggie earlier in the day that she would be home late because she had a session with her therapist. She knew it was wrong to keep lying to the other woman but she still had quite a bit of her life and emotions that she needed to muddle through before she could tell her the truth. Maggie had asked her how her session went and Alex just responded with a smile before she took the case files from Maggie’s hands and seductively straddled her girlfriend. The detective didn’t get any reading done that night. 

Now back to the present, Alex sat on her sister’s couch munching on pizza and potstickers. Kara was going on about her current story involving the famed Lena Luthor. And all Alex could do was listen as her mind wandered to the past few weeks.

“Alex are you even listening,” Kara asked as she took note of the far off look on Alex’s face.

The older Danvers woman snapped out of her thoughts and look towards her sister with an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry, Kara I’ve had a lot on my mind,” Alex explained. Her tone was sincere and she hadn’t meant to seem like she wasn’t interested in Kara’s current story. If she was being completely honest she was off in her own little world because she was nervous about the whole night. She knew she was going to have to be a little honest with Kara about what was going on, that she’d had to at least give Kara the same excuse she gave Maggie. But deep down she was scared about how far this conversation would go. Maggie was one thing but Kara was another. As much as Alex loved Maggie, she and the detective would never be as close as her and Kara. And that closeness meant that as much as Alex wanted to protect Kara she couldn’t blatantly lie about everything. Plus Luc had told her that this would be the best opportunity for Alex to get her feelings out there. To talk to her sister honestly and clear the air. 

“Does it have anything to do with what you said we need to talk about,” The young girl was completely sincere and oh so ready to finally get down to the reason why Alex was not acting herself. Kara just watched as Alex nodded. She could tell her sister wasn’t quite ready to jump into it. “Look, Alex you can tell me anything. I just want to know why you’ve been so distant and cold the past few weeks. Does it have to do with that happened with Jeremiah?” 

Alex let out a pained laugh and ran her hand through her short locks. It had to do with Jeremiah. It had to do with her. It had to do with Maggie. It had to do with her mother. Everything had to do with it. “What happened with my fa-” Alex stopped her voice gave out in emotion. Was that really the best place to start. Maybe she should start at the beginning. “What happened with him is just a small part of it,” She whispered sadly.

Kara quickly moved the pizza box that sat between them and placed it on the coffee table. She slide across the couch closer to her sister and pulled her into a tight hug. “Alex, I’ve told you I don’t blame you for what you had to do. I would have probably done the same thing.” Kara said sadly as she held her sister. Alex let out a pain sob and finally the tears she was trying to hard slipped out. Why did Kara have to be so nice, so….so Kara right now. Alex needed her to be angry or distant herself. Anything but this….this just made it harder for Alex to say what she needed to.

“It goes far beyond my father, Kara.” Alex pulled back and wiped her tears. She took a deep breath and turned to her sister. “I am sorry. I am so sorry for how I’ve treated you,” Alex said seriously as she took Kara’s hands in hers.

Kara shook her head in confusion, “You don’t need to be sorry just tell me what’s going on? We’re all worried about you, Alex. You’ve been so distant and cold lately. Maggie thinks you’re cheating on her. Eliza thinks you’re back to drinking again.”

Alex froze at those words. Her mother. Kara had been talking to her mother. Of course she’d been talking to her mother. Their mother. Eliza was Kara’s adoptive mother after all. Why wouldn’t they talk. “Y-you’ve talked to my mom about me?” Alex looked a little more than shocked to say the least. God what could her mother be thinking. The woman clearly had to be disappointed in her cause not once in the following months since her father’s death had the oldest Danver’s woman called her. Of course it didn’t help that her own mother was angry at her for killing her father. Everyone just told her it was the grief talking not Eliza. Alex had feelings that said otherwise.

“Yeah,” Kara said with a shrug of her shoulders, “She called the other day. I told her how you’ve been lately. She feels bad for how things were left, Alex she’s not angry. She was upset when she said the things she said. She doesn’t blame you.”

The words did nothing to calm the upset that curled around in Alex’s gut. She knew that she probably should have reached out to her mother but the words the eldest Danvers left her with still rolled around in her head. She’d of course talked to Luc about it and even the military woman agree that it was just grief and angry over losing a loved one that caused her to blame Alex. 

“She’s coming to National City in a couple weeks actually. She’s worried about you, Alex and she wants to see you. She’d really like it if you called her.” Kara’s words were soft and sincere.

Alex let out an annoyed snort, “She could call me.” 

Kara sighed heavily and squeeze Alex’s hands. “I know things have always been strained between you too and I know my showing up in your life didn’t help. But she thought you guys were making progress after you came out.”

“Yeah well so did I but I guess we didn’t,” Alex’s words were sharp and angry. This is not what she came here for. She same to talk to Kara about Kara not about her mother. Who she was now going to have to face in the upcoming weeks. Just when she’d thought she missed one curve ball life throws her another one. “I don’t want to talk about my mother right now, Kara,” Alex said in defeat as she turned back to her sister.

“Ok, so what did you want to talk about? If you’re gonna apologize again, Alex then save it. I know you’re going through a lot and I respected that you’d need some distance but now I just want to know what’s going on.” Kara was mildly upset and getting on the verge of desperate to know what was going on with her sister. “The only reason I know you’re not having an affair is because I talked to Maggie. She came to me so upset, Alex.”

Alex cringed. She felt like such a worthless piece of crap. She never intend for Maggie to think that and she never meant for Kara to start thinking it either. “Kara I’m in counseling,” Alex began, she took a moment to compose her words before she reached out and grasped Kara’s hands tightly in her own. “I decided to get help with some issues I’ve been having so for the past couple of weeks I’ve been seeing someone that’s helping me to figure things out.” It wasn’t exactly a lie but it wasn’t exactly the truth either.

Kara sat shocked to say the least. That was not what she was expecting at all. Her sister. The Alex ‘I hate shrinks I will never see one’ Danvers was in therapy. Alex had never been quiet about her distaste for those in the mental health field. She’d never been quiet about how deceptive she found them. How you could go to one for a simple talk and the next thing you know you’re walking out labelled with about twenty different disorders. 

“You’re seeing a therapist,” Kara asked just to clarify that what she’d just heard come out of Alex’s mouth was correct. Alex nodded in embarrassment. She had a feeling Kara wouldn’t understand. She pulled away from her sister and buried her face in her hands. “I don’t mean that as a bad thing, Alex. I think it’s great. I’m just confused because you’ve never been quiet about how much you despise Dr. Hatfield or the entire mental health field.” 

Alex laughed, a genuine full laugh. Kara was right. She did hate Dr. Hatfield but that was because she was always trying to take Alex out of the field whenever something would happen. She never liked how Alex would come in, say what she needed to say to get her clearance back, and then go right back into the thick of things. The woman just like to poke and prod too much and Alex didn’t need that. Not from her at least. The older woman dropped her hand from her face and looked at her sister.

“That was before I realized I needed help, Kara.”

The sincerity and almost desperation for understanding in her voice made Kara think twice about questioning her. Instead the younger girl wrapped her arm around her sister and pulled her into a hug. “Like I said,” Kara began gently, “I think it’s great that you’re getting help.”

“There’s-There’s something I really need to get off my chest right now, Kara so I need to ask you to please just listen. Don’t interrupt. Don’t argue. Just listen. I can’t go into too much detail because I’m not ready. But like I told Maggie, when I’m ready all of you will know exactly what’s going on.” Her words were desperate and the look she gave Kara made the younger woman just nodded. Alex took another deep breath and shifted on the couch so she was facing her sister head on, she took Kara’s hands in hers, and look straight into Kara’s worried and confused eyes. 

“When you first came to live with us I was excited. I was finally going to have a little sister. And things were great at first but then my mom and dad started to put all this pressure on me to look out for you. To make sure you knew how to be a human. To make sure you stayed out of trouble. To make sure your secret stayed a secret,” Alex explained as gently as she could. She really didn’t want to hurt her sister but there was no way around it. If she was going to be honest and get this off her chest like she knew she needed to she needed to be honest about her feelings. Across from her Kara’s eyes turned sad and she couldn’t bear to look at her sister any more.

“After a while I came to resent you for it. Part of me came to hate you. I couldn’t be me anymore. I had to be Kara’s protector. I don’t think you’ve ever realized just how much I’ve had to sacrifice for you. Everything became about you and I lost everything that was me. And I blamed you. For so long I blamed you for my life turning into the mess that it is.” Alex knew the second the words left her mouth that’ she’d for that moment shattered her little sister’s heart. It tore Alex up and she felt horrible but it needed to come out.

Kara quickly pulled away from her sister and stood up. “You blamed me? I never asked you to look out for me, Alex. I never asked you to make sacrifices for me,” Kara spat angry. Her own anger coming out. She never asked Alex to look out for her. Jesus she never asked for any of this happen. But it did. And she spent her life on earth thinking that her sister was the one person that didn’t hate her for being different. Didn’t hate her for crash landing on earth and entering her life. Boy was she wrong.

Alex stood up and cautiously moved towards her now upset sister, “Kara, let me finish please.” The other woman just crossed her arms and looked her the taller woman angrily. She didn’t think she needed to hear anymore, she didn’t want to hear anymore. “For a time I blamed you, yes. My father leaving; your fault. My flunking out of college your fault. My mother not thinking I was good enough for anything; your fault. Getting recruited to the DEO; your fault. You were right that night with the red K, they only recruited me because they knew who I was and who you were. And I think about how different my life would be if you’d never come to earth but then I realize that without you I wouldn’t be where I am today. I wouldn’t be who I am without you. Yes, I resented you and I was angry with you for a long time but it was never your fault.” 

Slowly Alex reached out to her sister, she placed her hands gently on Kara’s shoulders and smiled at her softly. “For so long I thought it was your fault but now I’ve realized it’s not. It was never your fault, Kara. My anger and resentment towards you was so misplaced. I know that now. I’ve figured that out and slowly I’m processing.”

The blonde woman shook her head, “So what? You’ve spent most of your life, Alex secretly hating me. You put on a good act, here I was thinking you were my sister. My family. But no you just pretended.” Her words were harsh and Alex flinched. She knew this wasn’t going to be easy. That Kara was going to react this way and she had every right to. But Alex just needed her to understand that she needed to say that so they could both move on. So when Alex finally tells everyone why she has a problem with alcohol they’ll all understand. Plus Alex needed to say this, to put it out there because she needed to make that step in the program. She needed to stop blaming. 

“I never pretended. You are my sister. You are my family,” Alex said seriously as she squeezed Kara’s shoulders. The younger woman tried to pull away but Alex held fast. “You are my family, Kara I never pretended to love you as such. You are and always will be my sister.” Kara looked away. She was hurt. Her heart was broken. The one person she looked up to the most. The one person that she loved more than anything, that she idolized, that she felt protected by just told her she hated her. Alex let go of Kara’s shoulders and softly cupped her sister’s face. She lifted the younger woman’s gaze up to her own and gently brushed away the tears that had slipped down her cheeks.   
“It’s the love that I’ve always had for you that has trumped any amount of resentment or anger I could ever feel for you,” Alex whispered. Her own tears filling her eyes as she watched her sister cry. She never meant to hurt Kara but the younger woman needed the truth and Alex needed to face this demon. Yeah, Alex had resented Kara for a while but it was always just a part of her. Only part of Alex felt this way towards Kara and it was always a part of her that fell weak to the part that loved her sister with the entirety of her heart. 

Kara searched the older woman’s eyes for a moment, looking desperately for anything that told her that Alex wasn’t being honest. Searching for something that would tell her that Alex was just being cruel, that she’d finally decided she was tired of pretending to care for some alien orphan. But all the younger Danvers woman found was love looking back at her. Yeah, Alex’s eyes also held an amount of pain and sadness but all Kara could see at the moment was love. Without another thought the girl of steel wrapped her arms around Alex and sobbed.

“I’m sorry,” Alex repeated over and over again as she held her sister. She hated that in order to get sober, to be healthy once again, she needed to sometimes hurt those she loved. She hated that she had to lie. That she had to admit the darkest secrets she’d kept locked away. She hated that she had to be so honest even if that meant hurting those she loved the most. But this was a step. It was the step to ending the blame. The step towards making amends. 

After a few minutes, Kara pulled away and sniffled. “So you don’t hate me or blame me?”

Alex reached out and softly brushed away Kara’s tears with her thumbs. “No. I never hated you, Kara. Part of me, and only part of me, was angry and blamed you. But I never hated you. I am so sorry I had to tell you that.”

“They why did you,” Kara asked in confusion. 

“Because I’m at a step in my….recovery….that requires me to stop blaming others for my problems,” Alex explained as vaguely but honestly as she could. “I needed to be honest with you in order to be honest with myself. Those feelings, Kara I’ve been carrying around for a long time and I’ve tried to get rid of them; I’ve tried to ignore them but it doesn’t work. I realized that in order to let them go, to put them to rest, I needed to tell you. It was a weight that the only way I could get rid of was to tell you. I’m so sorry that doing so hurt you but please understand that I don’t feel that way anymore. That I never felt those feelings more than I felt my love for you as my sister.” 

Kara shook her head and smiled at her sister. She understood. She got it. Alex needed to be honest with herself and in order to do so she needed to tell her. Kara couldn’t believe that Alex had spent most of her life battling these feelings. She was good at hiding it Kara had to give her that because not once did Kara ever feel like Alex resented her or was angry at her for showing up in her life. Well that’s not true. There was a few times as teenages that Alex had yelled at her and said she never should have come to earth. But the older Danvers woman always apologized afterwards. Always told Kara that she didn’t mean it that she was just angry at the moment. Kara always believed her. Kara always believed everything Alex said why would now be any different. 

“You once said to J’onn that forgiveness isn’t something you give to someone who’s hurt you, forgiveness is something that you give to yourself,” Kara said gently as she watched the words sink into Alex. The agent remembers the exact moment that Kara was referring to. A smiled started to form on the older woman’s face as she realized just what Kara was saying. Her sister could sometimes be too wise for her own good. “You don’t need my forgiveness, Alex you need to forgive yourself.”

Something in Alex clicked with those words. Kara was right. This whole time Alex thought she needed everyone else’s forgiveness for how she’d been acting, how she’d been treating them. But what she really needed was to forgive herself. She thought the reasons she started drinking were because of her family, because of Kara, because of her father, because of her feelings. But in reality maybe she was drinking because she hated herself. She couldn’t forgive herself for all that she’d done. For how she’d felt towards Kara. How she felt towards her mother. How she felt for killing her father. Luc was right. From the beginning her sponsor had been saying she needed to get sober and complete the program for herself. Not anyone else. But for her, for Alex. Maybe the reason she needed to do it for herself was because it all started with Alex. If it started with her then that means it has to end with her. It was to end with her forgiving herself.

But Alex knew she was far away from ever being able to forgive herself. She still had a lot to work though before she could everything of forgiving herself, of loving herself. Cause frankly at this moment Alex hated everything about herself. She hated how she had to hurt to feel better. She hated how she had to be so messed up to be fixed. She hated how she had to muddle through the emotions she always kept buried deep inside just to try and figure out what she felt at the moment. Go this was just starting to get so overwhelming. 

Her road to recovery was just starting. This was so much more than just getting sober. This was life altering. This was Alex finally figuring everything she’d ever buried in her deep complex mind and soul. This was Alex breaking free. 

“I’m working on that, Kara but it takes time. Just please,” Alex stopped to gather her words. She took Kara’s hands in her own once more. She was so glad that the other woman wasn’t angry with her, didn’t throw her out. She didn’t give her sister enough credit sometimes. Alex still occasionally looked at her sister as a little girl but in this moment she saw her as the mature, understanding woman she’d become. “Just please don’t leave me. When I tell you everything I’m going to need you more than ever,” Alex pleaded. Fear laced her words as she thought of the off chance that Kara wouldn’t support her when she found out the truth. Which was crazy. Why wouldn’t she. No it was more when she found out that Alex had been lying to her from the start and keeping Luc and the program a secret. But Alex just really wanted to make sure she could stay sober before she told anyone. She couldn’t handle letting them down. She was sure that if she did it would be here end. 

“I’m not going anywhere, Alex. You’ve taken care of me and supported me for so long, let me do that for you now. I’m here for you anytime,” Kara pulled her sister into another hug. 

Alex felt everything melt away at that moment. She felt the weight lift from her shoulders, she felt like she could breathe. She felt like finally everything was going to be alright. Even though her life was still upended and a mess she felt like she was going to get through it. Like she was going to conquer all of this. And when she finally tells her family what she’s doing she gonna have an amazing support system. 

The duo finished their talk and their pizza. Kara put on a movie for them to watch before she curled up under her big sister’s arm. Alex had just smiled and sat completely content with her sister. Yeah, everything was gonna be ok. If she and Kara could get through a talk like that and still be this close, still be sisters, then there was nothing they couldn’t face together.

When the movie ended Alex quickly helped Kara clean up before she hugged the younger woman goodbye. She could have stayed for a sleepover but after their talk both felt a little to drained. Well Alex didn’t really feel drained. She couldn’t explain what she felt. She felt light. She felt right. She felt almost euphoric. All she knew is as much a she loved her sister she just wanted to go home and see her girlfriend. And so Alex said goodbye and left Kara’s apartment. She walked slowly down to her bike. While she walked she sent Luc a quick text telling the other woman how her night with Kara had gone. Luc had texted back that she was proud of her and that she did the right thing. She then asked Alex what her plans were for the rest of the night and if she wanted to grab a coffee to process. Alex had politely declined, she just wanted to go home and see Maggie. Luc had merely texted back saying that she’d seen her at the next meeting and to drive safe. 

Alex then mounted her bike and at the last minute decided to talk the long way home. She loved riding her ducati and it was even better when she rode at night when the streets were empty and she could just open her up. The 20 minute ride took her 40 minutes but Alex didn’t care, she felt energized after that ride. She quietly entered her apartment and smiled lovingly at the sight that greeted her. Maggie had fallen asleep on the couch, case file laying on her chest, and hair a mess. 

To Alex she look absolutely gorgeous and the agent’s heart swelled.

Carefully Alex moved over to the couch and picked up the case file. She set it on the coffee table before she crouched down next to Maggie. She spent the next few minutes just watching her girlfriend. Just soaking in how absolutely beautiful this woman was. Alex’s heart jumped and flipped as she watched the woman she loved more than anything. Something was building in Alex and it made her body feel like it was humming. Her heart started to race and her breathing picked up. With a shaking hand Alex reached out and brushed a lock of curly hair from Maggie’s face. The smaller woman hummed in her sleep and moved slightly into Alex’s hand. The agent smiled.

Fuck, how she loved this woman.

Alex closed her eyes for a moment and willed her heart to stop beating so erratically. Why did she feel like she just ran a marathon? Why did she feel like she was so on top of the world? She didn’t have the answers to those questions. But she did know that at this moment she was so completely in love with the woman on her couch and she just wanted to climb the highest building in National City and shout it from the roof top. For the first time in a long, long time Alex had no thoughts. No negative thoughts. No voice telling her to shut up. No voice telling her that she wasn’t good enough. No for the first time since she’d gotten sober Alex’s head was quiet. The only thing she could feel was her heart. And at the moment she felt like it was going to beat out of her chest. She gently brushed her thumb over Maggie’s sleeping cheek. She was so entranced by this woman. So absolutely attracted to this beautiful detective that came home to her every night. This woman who’d made the most romantic night for her just to tell her she loved her, and Alex still hated that she couldn’t remember it. This woman loved her, heart and soul, and God Alex loved her just as much. 

Maggie’s eyes fluttered open and she smiled when she found Alex looking down at her, a soft loving smile on her face. “Hi you,” Maggie whispered softly a sleepy dimpled smile dawning her face.

And it finally happened.

“I love you,” Alex whispered. 

Finally those three words fell from Alex’s lips. The three words that Alex fought since she got sober to say. The three words that for some reason scared the hell out of her. They finally came out on a whispered breath. And Alex’s heart exploded. Or it felt like it did. She couldn’t tell you what drove her to say it. Why now out of all the times. On a random night where she comes home to find Maggie asleep on the couch like she had time and time before. But for some reason at that moment it just felt right. 

Alex’s eyes never left Maggie’s. They were locked on the other woman and all that filled them was love. Maggie didn’t say anything. She didn’t say the words back. She just reached up and placed her hand over Alex’s that was on her cheek. And in almost slow motion she leaned up and kissed the other woman. She poured everything she felt into that kiss. Alex fell into the kiss and her world exploded. She honestly thought her heart was going to burst. Her entire body hummed and she felt like she was on cloud nine. Alex had never felt anything like this before. Even their first kiss wasn’t this mind blowing. 

After a few moments Maggie pulled back. She smiled when she saw the relaxed look on Alex’s face. Oh she knew that look all too well. She was pretty sure she had the same look on her face when she told Alex she loved her just a couple of weeks prior. Part of her wondered why after all this time Alex said those words again. But who was Maggie kidding. She knew. She didn’t want to admit it. But she knew. In the back of her mind she knew everything. She knew Alex was intoxicated that night. She didn’t figure it out until after Alex said the words back but she still knew. She was angry at herself at first, then she was angry at Alex. But at the same time Maggie was frustrated, she’d been dying to hear those words from Alex. She needed to hear those words. It tore her up inside. All too often she started to think that maybe Alex didn’t feel the same. That’s why she pushed like she did. That’s why she tried to get Alex to say it. To tell her how she felt or to admit that she didn’t feel that way. Maggie just wanted something to know where she stood. Then she realized that she just needed to give her lover some time. She was sure Alex felt that same but maybe she just needed some time. That maybe those words scared her. 

And it seemed that’s exactly what Alex needed. Time. Alex needed her own moment. She was a woman that couldn’t say it until she felt it all the way in the depth of her soul. And apparently something happened tonight and Alex felt it. She couldn’t contain it. But Maggie wasn’t complaining.

Slowly Maggie rose from the couch and pulled Alex with her. She took the other woman’s hand in her own and without a word she led Alex to bed. When they reached the edge of the bed, Maggie wrapped her arms around Alex’s neck and pulled her into another slow but deep kiss. Alex’s hands immediately went to Maggie’s hips and she pulled her closer. 

Alex felt like she’d taken some kind of drug. Hell she’d even go as far as to say she felt drunk. All that she was feeling just made her melt. It was all so right. All so perfect. When the need for air became too much, Alex pulled back and cupped Maggie’s face. She rested her forehead against the shorter woman’s and stared deeply into her eyes. 

“I love you, Maggie,” Alex whispered again her heart beating fast and faster. She was so absolutely amazed by this woman. She was so amazed by herself. Finally she said it. Finally she felt it so much that she couldn’t fight the words.

Maggie slid her hands up to grasp Alex’s wrists as the taller woman’s hands still cupped her face. “I love you, Alex.” She leaned up and kissed her lover once more before she pulled away and tugged Alex’s hand, pulling her closer to the bed. “Now show me how much you love me,” Maggie whispered as she pulled Alex down onto the bed. 

And Alex did just that.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talks of puppies. A revelation of the future. And one pissed off detective.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took me so long to get this out to you all. I've been very busy the past few weeks. I'm gonna be honest...I'm going to try and finish this relatively soon (if my current work schedule will allow) mostly because if I don't finish it in the next month or so it will never be finished. Not because I've lost interest but more because I'm going to be away at Basic Training for the Marine Corps and by the time I get back this whole idea will be dead and forgotten. Anyway, please enjoy and reviews are much appreciated.
> 
> And for those wondering about The Jacket and Danni: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0874936/mediaviewer/rm243570944
> 
> Can you blame me?

Alex leaned against the wall munching on one of the dozen donuts she’d brought and sipping her hot coffee. Her mind wandered around the events of the past few days. She’d talked to Kara and finally gotten everything off her chest. She’d finally expressed her feelings to Maggie. And currently she was working on preparing herself for her mother’s arrival next week. Things at work were going better than ever, her current cadet class was doing better than she thought they would. J’onn had released her for field missions and she’d gotten her team back. She was still going to meetings on a regular basis and had maintained her sobriety. She was ten days sober and counting. 

“If you’re going to show up at my place unannounced at 7am you better have brought me coffee,” Luc huffed as she walked up the hallways towards Alex, her keys jingling in her hand as she pulled them from her gym bag. Alex grinned behind her cup of coffee and reached down to the table next to Luc’s front door. She held out the second cup of steaming coffee towards the military woman. “Ok you score points there but this showing up with no warning thing probably not a good idea. What if I had someone over,” Luc stated as she happily took the cup and unlocked her door, shuffling in with Alex following behind her with the box full of donuts. Luc dropped her bag by the door and set her coffee down on the kitchen island before walking over to the sink to fill up a glass of water. 

The DEO agent walked in and set the box of donuts on the counter and took a seat. “Not likely,” She said with a laugh causing Luc to glare at her over her shoulder. The remainder of Alex’s implication went unspoken. They both knew that Luc still wasn’t over Danni and probably wouldn’t be for a long time. Luc never had to tell Alex that she wasn’t interested in dating or meeting anybody. Alex had seen plenty of attractive girls approach Luc at meetings and even at the dinner, every time Luc sent them packing. It always came with a flattering comment and a soft explanation of ‘its’ not you its me’ before she let them down. 

Luc gulped down a quick glass of water and used the cold water to refresh her still hot and sweaty skin from her run. She filled her glass up a second time and then turned to face Alex. “So what brings you by so early,” She asked as she sipped her water. 

“We didn’t get to have our usual coffee and talk after the meetings the past couple of days,” Alex said with a shrug. She dropped her head down to stare at the counter top in a little embarrassment. She wasn’t embarrassed that she needed to talk she was embarrassed that she needed to talk to Luc after two days. She was embarrassed that she was becoming so dependent on this woman. 

“And now you’re bursting at the seems to talk, huh.” Luc laughed as she finished off her water and placed the glass in the sink. “Fine. Talk away,” The military woman said as she pushed away from the counter she was leaning against. “But you’re gonna have to talk while I do my morning routine that you interrupted.” And with that Luc grabbed the hem of her sweaty t-shirt and pulled it over her head leaving her in nothing but a sports bra and shorts.

From her spot at the island Alex watched with wide eyes as she came face to face with just how muscular and well toned Luc was. Alex’s brain ceased to work properly and her mouth hung open. There was no denying that Luc was very attractive even Alex would admit that. Of course the agent would never find her as attractive as Maggie...nope the dimpled detective took that one by far. Alex was broken out of her thoughts by a light chuckle and she snapped her gaze from Luc’s well defined abs to the other woman’s amused gaze. 

“Well not to stroke my own ego but it’s nice to know that I have an effect on even the most committed of women,” Luc laughed as she began to walk towards her bedroom. Alex groaned and buried her face in her hands.

“You know sometimes I really hate you,” Alex mumbled behind her hands.

“I seem to have that effect on people as well,” The Marine said as she pulled out her uniform and hung it in the bathroom.

From her place at the island Alex swung around so she was facing where Luc was in the apartment. From her spot she could see right into the other woman’s bedroom and thus right into the bathroom as well. She watched as Luc set her uniform up for the day and walked into the bathroom to turn on the shower. She waited until Luc left the shower running and walked back into the kitchen to tell the woman about why she was there so early in the morning.

“So,” Alex began slowly, “I told Maggie I loved her the other night.” Luc froze mid pour of the dog food into Frank’s bowl and slowly turned to face the other woman. All Alex could do was nod and a wide smile slowly started to appear on her lips. Beside her, Frank whined, upset that this moment of whatever it was, was keeping him from his breakfast. 

Luc finished filling the bowl before she set the scoop back in the dog food bag and stepped up to the island next to Alex. “That’s a big step, Alex. How are you handling it?” She asked gently. It wasn’t that she didn’t think Alex felt that way for MAggie, she was positive she did but it was a big step. It was something that Alex had been struggling with for months and if she wasn’t doing ok in the aftermath it could cost her what sobriety she had. Luc knew Alex was doing really well, she believed that Alex had finally kicked the bottle and would stay sober. She’d hate to see the other woman fall off the wagon again. 

Alex thought about Luc’s question for a moment. The next morning she’d been nervous and slightly scared but when Maggie had rolled over and whispered those three words all her worries and nerves just disappeared and the words rolled off her lips as if she’d been saying them for months. “I haven’t had a drink, I haven’t even really craved one but,” She stopped and considered her words for a moment, “I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t think about running for a second. For a split second when I woke up the next morning I felt like I couldn’t breathe and I just need to go. To run.” 

“And what kept you from doing that,” Luc asked as she walked back towards the bathroom. Alex got up and followed after her, she leaned against the doorway of Luc’s bedroom as the other woman disappeared in the bathroom, cracking the door behind her. 

Alex shrugged, “The idea of losing her, of walking away from her scares me more than loving her. I can’t imagine my life without her.”

Luc peeked out from around the door, “Good. Hold on to that cause it’s things like that, that are going to get you through this.” The Marine then disappeared back into the bathroom and Alex could hear the sound of a shower curtain opening and closing. Normal the DEO agent would find her close proximity to someone so unclothed a little more than uncomfortable but she’d come to see Luc as a close friend. In the time they’d come to spend together Alex had moved from seeing the other woman as a sponsor to a friend and she hoped that after she’d completed her program the two would remain friends. As much as Alex was a loner and a bit of an introvert she found it nice having someone that was distinctly hers, aside from Maggie of course, but Luc could be her friend. Her person that she could talk to not just about her alcoholism but other things like military tactics, the gay and lesbian lifestyle which by the way Luc had infinitely more knowledge of.

“So have you been applying any of the other steps to your normal day life? We can’t really move to the other steps until you tell your family and girlfriend but you still need to be focusing on the program.” Luc said over the spray of the shower. 

Alex took a deep breath and crossed her arms over her chest. She’d been focusing on some of the steps but some she just didn’t feel like she could do. Honestly, she felt like all she really needed was someone to talk to. That maybe she’d just fell into the bottle and alcohol because she had no one she really felt she could talk to. Yeah, everyone around her was there for her and always telling her they were up to talk but it’s one thing to talk to someone that knows you so well. Sometimes talking to the people that know you that much makes you feel even more judged than you already feel. 

“Yeah, I’ve been focusing on them but sometimes it’s hard to remember them all.” 

“You been saying the prayer a lot,” Luc questioned as she leaned out of the shower to grab her towel.

The DEO agent rolled her head back against the door frame in annoyance. “You know I’m not religious, Luc.”

The Marine laughed and stepped out of the shower. “And I’ve told you it’s not a religious thing but rather to look at it as more of a motivational saying.” 

Alex heard shuffling around in the bathroom before she almost toppled over from the door being opened all the way. She came face to face with a fully dressed Marine who was in the process of staring her down hard. Alex had to admit it, it didn’t matter who wore the uniform or how long she’d known them put them in full Marine Corps attire and she found herself intimidated. 

“Yes, I’ve been saying it,” She mumbled as she turned and followed Luc who had started towards her bed on the the other side of the room. Luc sat on the bed and pulled her tan boots out from under the bed and proceeded to lace them up.

“How often,” Luc asked as she laced her boots up and tucked her pants into them. 

Alex thought to herself for a moment. One of the first things Luc shared with her when talking about the 12 steps was the Serenity Prayer and since she’d learned it, it seemed she had it on a constant mantra in her head. “Every time something happens that makes me want a drink. I think I feel asleep saying it last night after Mags and I-” Alex stopped and blushed lightly as she thought back to the night before. 

“Stop,” Luc held a hand up as she got up from the bed. “I do not want to hear the intimate details of you and your girlfriends sexcapades or whatever.” The Marine walked past her and towards the kitchen where she picked up her now lukewarm coffee and took a sip. Honestly she really didn’t want to hear it or think about it not because it was Alex but well because it involved her dead lover's best friend and there was just some things a person was better off never hearing.

“We don’t have sexcapades,” Alex argued in annoyance as she followed behind Luc and took a seat at the counter. “Or at least we don’t anymore but after last night maybe we will,” Alex continued with a sly grin. She knew what she was doing. She knew how to get Luc all flustered, she’d been friends with the woman long enough now.

Luc choked on her coffee and narrowly missed spilling half the cup on her fresh clean uniform. “I really don’t wanna hear about the baby gay’s sex life. I’m your sponsor not your sex therapist.” The redhead smiled softly and looked at Luc for a long second. Luc saw the look and gave Alex a weird but curious look in return. “What,” She asked in confusion.

“You know you’re not just my sponsor, Luc.” Alex said gently. Her eyes telling the other woman that she saw her as so much more than a sponsor. Luc just looked at her like she had two heads causing Alex to laugh softly. “I don’t have many friends that aren’t my sister’s friends. What you’re doing for me, helping me through the program, it's a big thing and it means a lot to me. And I’ve come to tell you things I wouldn’t tell anyone else. I’ve confided in you and you’ve confided in me. I’d like to think we’ve become friends.”

The Marine slowly set her cup down and found herself staring at it for longer than she probably should have been. She felt bad. Alex had started to see her as a friend, as more than a sponsor, and in return Luc had been lying about her. She’d been letting Alex talk about Maggie like she had no idea who the woman was, when in reality Luc probably knew more about the other woman’s lover than she did. She also felt bad because she never intended to be the other woman’s friend. She only had the intention of being her sponsor and then parting ways once Alex completely the program. But no. Nope, Alex had to go and get attached. And damn it to hell Luc started to feel the same way.

Luc looked up from her coffee and smiled warmly at the other woman. “Damn you woman, you making me have feels now,” She laughed before she picked up her coffee and finished the rest. Across from her Alex laughed, she knew that nothing else needed to be said. She knew that Luc had come to feel the same way. “So is that all you came here for? To tell me you confessed your never ending love to Maggie?”

Alex bit her lip and looked at Luc shyly and the other woman knew she was in for it. She could only imagine what was about to come out of Alex’s mouth. “I need a favor,” Alex stated and Luc merely looked at her expectantly. “Maggie’s birthday is coming up and she wants a dog. I’ve never had a dog. I don’t know the first thing about getting a dog but you do.” The puppy dog look Alex was giving her was not helping.

“No. No. I’m not helping you get a dog for your girlfriend.” Luc said adamantly as she tossed her empty coffee cup in the trash can. 

“Why,” Alex asked. She didn’t understand why a woman, who clearly loved her dog as if it was her own kid,was refusing to help her find a dog for her girlfriend. This woman loved dogs who better to ask for help from.

The short haired woman turned back to Alex in disbelief. “You do know what a dog means in a lesbian relationship right? Has she been dropping hints for a dog?” Alex just shrugged like it was no big deal. It wasn’t a big deal. It was a dog. Her apartment allowed dogs. And Maggie really wanted a dog. Luc dropped her face into her hands and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Alex, getting a dog or a cat when in a gay relationship is a big step. It’s not like when two straight people get a dog or a cat. For gay people it’s like adopting a baby. It’s usually the first step before one of them is like ‘hey let’s get married and adopt a kid.’

The DEO agent’s eyes grew wide and her mind started running. Why would Maggie suddenly want a dog? They had just moved in together a few months ago. There was that case a couple weeks ago with the alien kid that got Maggie all upset. No, Luc was just getting all worked up. It was just a dog. For God’s sake Alex had only admitted to Maggie that she loved her last night, there was no way her girlfriend was already thinking about marriage and kids. 

“You’re over reacting. It’s just a puppy.”

“You say it’s just a puppy but don’t come running to me when you wanna lose yourself in a bottle cause you moved too fast with your woman.” Luc shot back before she realized what she said, combined with the heated look Alex was giving her she realized she done fucked up. “Ok, of course you can come to me when you feel like drinking. You should come to me.” The other woman rambled for a moment before she got a serious look on her face. “But seriously, Alex this is a step in a relationship and it’s a big one for people like us. Are you sure?”

Alex thought for a moment. Sharing something, besides materialistic things with Maggie, was a big deal but it was something she wanted to do. She was completely prepared to spend her life with this woman. She wanted to raise a puppy with Maggie. She wanted to she how to two of them worked in maternal roles. She looked up at Luc with pursed lips as she thought about her next words. 

“Yes I’m sure because I’m sure that I’m going to spend the rest of my life with Maggie,” She said passionately causing Luc to look at her warily. It wasn’t that Luc wasn’t happy for her, she was, it was that Luc was a pessimist she was a realist and from her experience good things never last. But come on do you blame her? The one good thing in her life, the one bit of happiness she ever had was taken by a 9mm round to the heart. 

Alex reached across the counter and placed her hand on Luc’s arm, “I’m gonna marry her, Luc. When I get through this program I’m gonna ask her to marry me.” The bright happy smile that Alex threw at her was enough to warm even the coldest part of Luc’s heart.

“Fine,” Luc surrendered, “I’ll go dog shopping with you but I’m not going ring shopping.”

“Oh you’re going ring shopping,” Alex aid matter of factly causing the Marine to groan. How was it that no matter how hard and cold she was she just couldn’t say no to this woman. “And we’re not going dog shopping.” Luc looked at the woman in complete confusion causing Alex to laugh. “I’m adopting not shopping," Alex said nonchalantly. The short haired woman just rolled her eyes and moved around the island towards her desk where she kept her bag full of recruit information. 

The DEO agent glanced at her watch and let out a yelp when she realized what time it was. “Shit. I’m gonna be late for work.” She hopped down off the stool and started towards Luc’s door. “I’ll text you today so we can set up at time to go to the shelter. I was looking earlier and they just had a litter of puppies brought in.” The excitement in Alex’s voice made the stone cold Marine cringe. It wasn’t that she want’s nice and lovable and all that it was just that she was a Marine. They didn’t do cute and cuddly. And well the only time Luc ever did cute and cuddly was when Danni was around. 

“Text me that works,” Luc tossed over her shoulder as she stuffed papers into her bag. Alex threw a last goodbye over her shoulder before leaving. Luc continued gathering her things for the day when a few minutes later a knock came at the door. She looked towards the door in confusion. The only other person that would show up was Alex and she just left. She figured it had to be the redheaded woman again. She finished clipping her bag closed and headed for the door.

“What? Did you forget to tell me what kind of pup-” The words dying on her lips as she swung the door open and found herself with a face full of brown leather jacket that smelled so much of her Danni. Luc caught the jacket in her hands before looking up and coming face to face with a very pissed off Maggie Sawyer. 

“Maggie,” Luc whispered in surprise as she stared at the woman.

“Stay away from Alex,” Maggie growled out as she thrust a finger towards the Marine. “I don’t know what you’re doing but it ends now.” 

The detective was furious. She’d woken up that morning to find Alex already dressed and waiting in the kitchen with coffee and breakfast. The two had shared a quick bite and coffee before Maggie got ready for her day. She as they were walking out the door together Alex had made some lame excuse about taking another route to work because of construction and that’s why she couldn’t drop Maggie off at the station. Maggie knew it was bullshit but she didn’t push. Instead she let Alex go but there was still this weird unsettling feeling in her gut that said to follow her. To be a detective and find out what was going on with her girlfriend. Of course ever since she’d found that jacket, a jacket that one wasn’t Alex’s and two she was positive was her dead best friends, she’d been worried Alex was having an affair. An affair with her best friend’s lover. 

Luc held her hands up in surrender, the jacket clutched in her right hand. “I swear to you, Mags it is not what you think it is.”

“Then what the hell is it, Lucan!” Maggie practically shouted. Her face growing red and she could feel the tears, the painful tears, burning her eyes. “Are you the one she’s always running off to? Constantly calling and texting? Are you sleeping with her?” The questions spilled out of her, even questions she didn’t want the answers too but she was just so fucking upset. 

“No, Maggie I’m telling you it’s not what you think it is,” Luc said gently as she moved towards the other woman with the intent to comfort her.

Maggie quickly stepped back and put her hands up to keep Luc away. “Then what the hell is going on!” Angry tears started to slip down Maggie’s cheeks and the sight pained Luc. She never intended for Maggie to find out like this. She remember that the two of them had parted on very bad terms. Luc had hoped that by helping Alex recover and become sober she could somehow mend the friendship that she’d so severely destroyed.

“I-I can’t tell you, Maggie.” The words pained Luc to say. She wished she could tell the other woman everything but she’d promised Alex. She’d promised that she’d let Alex come to terms with everything and tell everyone she loved in her own time.

“Can’t? Or won’t? You keep saying that it’s not what I think but you won’t tell me what it is. All I can think is that you’re sleeping with the woman I love!”

Luc looked at her sadly, “It’s not my place to tell you. All I can tell you is that when Alex is ready she will explain everything to you.” She knew the words wouldn’t help. She knew that MAggie was too upset but she had to at least try and explain. She needed Maggie to understand that it wasn’t that she didn’t want to tell her what was going on it was more that she couldn’t tell her for respect for Alex. 

The detective glared at the other woman and if looks could kill Luc was positive she’d be six feet under by now. Maggie just snapped. “What would Danni think, huh? How do you think she’d feel to know you’re fucking my girlfriend to get back at me?” Maggie’s words were laced with venom and her gaze was stone cold despite the tears staining her cheeks.

The words cut through Luc like a sharp knife and she shook her head sadly. God how fucked up they must have been for Maggie to think that Luc would ever do that to her. That Luc would ever hurt her like that. “Maggie no I’m-” Luc started but Maggie cut her off with a hand wave.

“Save it,” Maggie growled causing Luc to snap her mouth shut. “Yeah for a while I blamed myself for Danni’s death but then I got my shit together and realized that there was nothing I could do to stop it. I wish there was cause there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss her. That I don’t wish she was still here. But I’m not the one to blame and I’m done with letting you hold it against me.”

Luc attempted a second time to move towards Maggie but the detective stepped away again, “Maggie what I said-” 

Maggie held up her hand, “Save it. Just stay away from Alex.” And with that the detective turned on her heel and walked away leaving a very raw and horrible Luc behind. 

The Marine watched her go. She knew it was futile to go after her, to try and talk to her right now. Luc stepped back into her apartment and closed the door. She rested her back against the wood and clutched Danni’s jacket to her chest. Fuck, she fucked up. She thought her days of screwing everything up was behind her when she stopped drinking. Apparently she was wrong. She felt horrible. There wasn’t a day that went back where she didn’t wish she had the balls to find Maggie and apologize, tell the other woman that she never should have blamed her. Tell her that Danni wouldn’t want this for them, that she’d want them to be friends, that she’d want them to be close for her sake. That was all the more reason why Luc couldn’t and would not respect Maggie’s wishes. Luc would not be staying away from Alex. No Luc would stay and she would help Alex through her recovery and in the end she’d man up and apologize to Maggie. In the end she’d offer a sober Alex as a peace offering. Luc would do all that because in the end she really needed someone like Alex and Maggie in her life.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Puppies. Luc and Alex. And a little Sanvers fluff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long to get out. I'm hoping to have this done before I ship out for training. I'm not going to be able to do what I wanted this is story but I'm at least gonna give you all a good ending. I apologize if it seems rushed. Thank you all for following this and reviewing.

“Oh how about this one?” Alex asked in excitement as she ran up to a cage that held a rather sickly looking chihuahua mix.

Luc cringed, “From what you’ve told me about Maggie she doesn’t strike me as a half dead chihuahua kinda person.” Alex nodded in agreement when the poor dog sneezed and nothing but mucus came out its little nose. The two quickly moved on to the next kennel.

“Can I help you ladies,” Came the overly eager voice of one of the kennel attendants. 

Alex smiled in welcome as the woman approached them. “I’m just looking for a dog for my girlfriend for her birthday.”

The woman glanced between the two woman with a knowing smile. “Well would your girlfriend prefer a puppy or a dog,” She asked Alex but gave Luc a pointed look. 

The Marine laughed and quickly put her hand up to stop the woman’s assumption. “Oh not….I’m not...her and I,” Luc gestured to Alex,” We’re not together. Her girlfriend would kill me and they’d never find my body.” The taller woman attempted to laugh this whole thing off but the weird look Alex was giving her just made her even more nervous for some reason. The Marine was still feeling odd from her encounter with Maggie that morning and she was attempting to put as much distance as she could between herself and Alex without letting the other woman know it.

“Right,” Alex said curtly as she turned from Luc to talk to the kennel employee. The other woman’s behavior the entire afternoon had Alex confused. Usually Luc was very good at listening and being attentive when Alex talked, it was what made her a good sponsor. But today Luc seemed withdrawn and distant. If Alex reached out to touch her in anyway the woman was quick to side step her or brush her off. Alex knew the woman wasn’t overly touchy just as Alex wasn’t but the two had come to develop a touch friendly relationship that Alex found she needed at times to stay grounded. This cold and distant Luc was making Alex nervous and edgy and a nervous and edgy Alex was not a good thing. Nervous and edge usually led to alcohol.

“Ok, well we’ve got the adult dogs here and we just had two litters brought in if you want to look at those?” The woman asked as she started walking towards a back door indicating for Alex and Luc to follow.

“I was thinking more of a puppy. Something we can raise and train together.” Alex explained as she followed the woman. 

Behind her Luc groaned and tagged along. Alex was such a newbie gay and although Luc sometimes found it endearing for the most part it drove her crazy. She knew exactly why Alex wanted a puppy, why she wanted to get Maggie a puppy. Alex had just finished “u-hauling it” with Maggie and now she was going through full blown “baby fever” only replace the human baby aspect with a dog baby. Luc had been victim of it herself with her first girlfriend all those years ago. The somewhat quick rush of moving in together followed by the need for another living thing (dog) to share which would quickly lead to a proposal then a long engagement and eventually the marriage. Then would come the kids and a few more pets cause lesbians just live for dogs and cats for some odd reason. Then they’d get old and thus the circle of life would end. Luc cringed thinking about all of it. She and Danni had only made it to the dog part and she often wondered what it would have been life to make it full circle like Alex and Maggie were on the road to. And of course Luc was a bit hostile to the whole thing because she didn’t get to have any of it. She was robbed of that happy ending. She was always getting the shitty end of the stick. The end filled with heartache and sadness but because she was a good person she’d slap a smile on her face and help her friend. Friend. Yeah it the past few weeks that’s what Alex had become a friend. 

The three entered another kenneled area and were greeted by the happy yipping sounds of puppies. Alex’s eyes lit up as she took in the dozen or so little furry bodies bouncing around in the gated area trying to get attention. “You’re welcome to go in and sit with them. Take your time picking one out we want you to make the best decision since whoever you chose is going to be part of your family,” The attendant said before she walked away.

“Oh Luc look at them all. They’re so cute,” Alex cooed as she opened the gate to one of the pens and managed to slide herself through the throng of puppies that jumped up to greet her.

“Yeah, real adorbs.” Luc rolled her eyes and leaned back against the wall opposite the kennel with a look of disinterest on her face. In truth she was actually smiling internally as she walked Alex get attacked by the puppies who were eager to give licks and receive pets from the new comer. 

Alex shot the Marine a glare from her position on the floor where she was being overrun by the fluffy cute little puppies. “Oh stop. You’re trying to act all Marine tough but I know deep down you’re a sap for dogs. I’ve seen you with Frank.” 

Luc huffed and crossed her arms over her chest. “Frank is different. He’s my baby.”

“And one of only a few things you have left from Danni,” The DEO agent said softly as she picked one of the puppies up and began scratching its ears. She risked a glance up at Luc and found the woman just staring at her with a blank expression. “I can tell because of the way you are with him. Plus the other morning you looked at him the same way you looked at that jacket.” 

The short haired woman looked away and bit the inside of her cheek to keep from breaking her tough guy exterior. “Ok so I like dogs,” The Marine stated as she watched Alex play with the gaggle of puppies around her.

“So get in here and help me find one for Mags,” Alex said as she picked up a particularly fluffy puppy and held it close to her face letting the little dog smother her in slobbery kisses. “Maybe you could even find a friend for Frank.”

Luc snorted, “Oh there’s no way. One dog is more than enough. Plus Frank is an old bulldog he doesn’t want anything to do with some new whippersnapper puppy.”

Alex laughed. A deep happy laugh and tucked the puppy she was holding against her chest. Although she’d never really been around dogs growing up or during her adult life she’d come to find that she rather enjoyed them and was looking forward to having one. “Did you just say ‘whippersnapper’?”

“Yes, yes I did cause that’s what Frank would say if he could talk.”

“So your dog is some 80 year old grandpa that wears overalls and a straw hat and say things like ‘whippersnapper’,” Alex stated with a laugh. 

Luc narrowed her eyes at the other woman, “Yes if he was human cause that's the personality he has.”

The agent just shook her head and set the puppy she was holding down. “Will you just come help me find one for Maggie.”

The Marine sighed and pushed off the wall, she took the two steps up to the chain link kennel and looked into the pen. “Well that’s your first problem. You don’t chose the dog, the dog chooses you.” 

She looked over the litter of puppies, she watched as the barreled over to where she stood and jumped up to try and get her attention. But one puppy in particular caught her attention. He sat in the back, calm and steady unlike his puppy brothers and sisters. He sat almost as if he was watching them, studying the humans. To Luc he reminded her of someone. His soft brown fur was clean and looked well groomed as if he’d spent playtime keeping himself clean while his brothers and sisters romped around. Luc watched him closely as the puppy watched Alex interact with his brothers and sisters. The puppy’s eyes flicked up to Luc’s for a moment and the woman was surprised by how calm and gentle the dog’s eyes were. The dogs glaze quickly flicked back to Alex and he sat watching the woman with interest but never once moving towards her. To any other person the dog would seem disinterested in Alex but Luc knew better. Luc knew dogs. Luc knew their unique nature.

“Alex,” Luc said briskly her gaze never once leaving the puppy in the corner. “Come out here for a second.” Alex looked at Luc like she was crazy. Why would anyone want to leave this massive pit of puppies. “I want to see something. Just come here for a second.”

Alex sighed and got up, carefully she moved through the throng of puppies towards the door. She slipped out the door to stand next to Luc. The Marine however had been watching the one puppy in the corner the entire time. The dog never once took his eyes off Alex but he also never moved after her. 

“I think the little white one I was playing with is perfect,” Alex said as she watched the puppy she was talking about playfully jump on one of its siblings. “She’s got spunk like Maggie,” She said with a smile.

“No,” Luc stated as she stared at that one puppy who still sat watching Alex. “That one right there is your dog.” She gestured to the puppy.

The DEO agent shook her head, “That one wanted nothing to do with me. He doesn’t seem very friendly.”

“You don’t pick the dog, the dog picks you and that dog hasn’t taken his eyes off you since you went in that pen. Now watch,” Luc said as she opened the kennel and made her way through the puppies to the one lone puppy in the corner. Slowly she reached out and pet the little guy behind the ear, soft encouraging words tumbling from her lips so not to frighten him. Gently she picked him up and cradled him close to her chest as she made her way towards the kennel door. Once she was outside of the kennel she turned to Alex. “Go sit at the end of the hall,” Luc instructed as she moved to the other end of the long hallway.

Alex looked at her oddly before walking toward the end of the hall. “What is this suppose to prove, Luc?” The Marine held up her hand and took a seat on the floor, Alex followed suit. 

Luc placed the puppy in her lap and gently scratched behind his ears a few times. “I think you know what to do, little guy.” Luc whispered and the little dog responded with a quick lick to her nose. Luc let the dog go and placed her hands in her lap. “Well go on,” The Marine commanded gently. The dog looked at her one last time before turning and running as fast as his little paws could carry him towards Alex. The DEO agent was blindsided by the little fur ball launching himself at her and licking anywhere he could reach. Alex laughed and fell to her side as the dog attacked her with happy licks and nips.

“How did you know,” Alex asked between laughs as she attempted to calm the little puppy down.

Luc shrugged, “Just the way he watched you and his demeanor. He’s calm and obedient even as a puppy those are traits that are perfect for yours and Maggie’s personality. Plus he had the choice to stay and get attention from me but he took off for you the second he could. He chose you the second you walked in this room.” 

Alex smiled down at the little dog, she scrunched his face up and planted a little kiss to his nose. “Well he’s perfect,” She said and laughed as the little dog sneezed from her nose kiss. “Maggie is gonna love him.” She said as she scooped the puppy up and started towards the front room. The kennel attendant made sure to get Alex all the supplies she would need for her new puppy. A collar, leash, bed, squeaky toys, and food were all packed into bags that Luc happily carried to the car while Alex held a now sleeping puppy in her arms. Alex gently set the puppy in the back seat of her car before closing the door.

“What kind of dog do you think he is,” Alex asked as she looked down at the once again sleeping puppy.

Luc shrugged, “Probably a mutt mix won’t really know until he gets bigger.”

Alex nodded in agreement. “Thank you, Luc for helping me today. It means a lot to me.”

“It was nothing. What are friends for,” Luc brushed her off as the walked towards the Marine’s jeep. “You gonna hit the meeting tonight?”

“Yeah. I wanna stay on track this week.”

Luc shook her head as she opened her jeep door. “It’s a big week. You get through this one and you make the big one month mark.”

Alex crossed her arms over her chest and looked off into the distance in thought. “Sometimes I can’t believe I’ve made it this far. I feel like it’s all a dream and I’m gonna wake up, hungover, and alone all the way back at the beginning.”

The taller woman placed her hand on Alex’s arm and squeezed. “It’s not a dream, Alex. It’s all so very real and you’ve gotten through it. You still have a lot of work left to do but you’ve gotten through some of the hardest parts.”

“The night after my one month I wanna tell them. I wanna tell my family and Maggie.” Alex stated with conviction.

Luc nodded, “If that’s what you want to do then I’ll be there from beginning to end no matter what.”

The DEO agent smiled in thanks before reaching out and hugging the taller woman. “Thank you again, Luc for everything.” The Marine didn’t say anything in return, just hugged the other woman back for a moment. The two then pulled away and said their goodbyes. Luc left to hit the gym while Alex headed home. She had some puppy proofing to do before Maggie got home.

The first thing Maggie noticed when she walked into the apartment was that it was quiet and there was a box of pizza from her favorite pizza place on the counter. Carefully she hung her coat on the back of a chair, unclipped her badge and gun to place them on the counter next to the pizza box. She smiled as she saw the little note Alex had scrawled on the pizza box. A loopy ‘Happy Birthday, Dimples’ with a smiley face. The whole thing made Maggie roll her eyes at the corniness of it but deep down she loved it. An odd sound almost like a whimper and Alex’s rushed whispers of ‘shh’ caused Maggie to look towards the bathroom. A look of confusion and mild concern crossed her face as she moved towards the bathroom.

“Alex,” Maggie called out. A sudden thud and Alex’s harsh swears filtered out from behind the bathroom door. 

Just as Maggie reached out to grasp the doorknob the door cracked open and Alex carefully slipped out the door and slammed it behind her. “Hi you,” Alex said breathlessly as she leaned in a planted a quick kiss to Maggie’s lips. “How was work?” She asked as she took the detective's hand and lead her back towards the kitchen. 

Maggie followed in confusion. Her girlfriend was acting strangely and they never left the bathroom door closed if they weren’t using the bathroom. Add to that, Alex was jumpy and anxious which made Maggie nervous. Part of the detective wanted to storm over to the bathroom and find out just what Alex was hiding. That was until she hear another odd sound coming from the bathroom. The sound of scratching.

“What was that?” Maggie asked as she turned back towards the bathroom.

“What was what?” Alex asked flippantly as she opened the pizza boxes and dished out a couple slices for Maggie. Alex’s heart was racing. She wanted to wait for the perfect moment to introduce Maggie to her puppy but it seemed the little guy wasn’t having any of that. “So I figured since you’ve had a stressful week at work and you’re getting home late, that a night in with your favorite pizza would be the better option for your birthday. Unless of course you want to go out. I could probably call everyone to meet us at Nooman’s or even the b-bar.” Alex stuttered at the word bar. Personally that was the last place she wanted to go to but she would for Maggie. It’s be a feat she’d probably have to someday overcome and maybe right now she was ready for it. Yeah she was ready. They’d go. Maggie could have a drink in celebration. As could her sister. Alex though, she’d have water. Strictly water and nothing more.

Maggie always found Alex’s rambling and stuttering endearing. With a loving smile she moved around the island to where Alex was standing and wrapped her arms around the other woman. She placed a gentle kiss to the back of Alex’s exposed neck and held to woman close to her. “No, this is perfect. I’d rather spend my birthday with you and just you,” Maggie whispered almost seductively. Her lips started to trail up and down the agent’s neck with the intent purpose of turning her girlfriend into putty in her hands. 

Alex sighed and dropped her head off to the side to give the detective more access to her neck. Her hands came up to slide over the ones that Maggie had wrapped around her waist. Alex could slowly feel her body heating up from Maggie’s seductive touch. 

“T-The pizza...it’s gonna get c-cold.” Alex gasped as Maggie’s fingers slipped under the hem of shirt and softly caressed the agents taunt stomach. 

“Forget the pizza,” Maggie whispered before she grabbed Alex by the hips and spun her around. “I want you,” Maggie growled as she pressed Alex against the edge of the counter and began leaving hot opened mouth kisses down the taller woman’s neck, slowly moving towards the valley of Alex’s chest. Alex’s hands came up to tangle in Maggie’s long curly locks and her head dropped back in pleasure. 

Maggie had just started sliding her hands under Alex’s shirt and pulling the fabric up the other woman’s torso when another loud whimper was heard from the direction of the bathroom. Maggie froze and pulled her face from Alex’s chest causing the taller woman to groan in disapproval.

“You hear that?” Maggie asked. Her hand instinctively going for her service weapon on the counter next to them. Her gaze flicked towards the bathroom and she started to pull away from Alex. The other woman reacted quickly and pulled the detective back to her, her one hand sliding over Maggie’s that rested on her service weapon and pulling it back towards her body. 

“I didn’t hear anything,” Alex whispered as she pulled the detective’s attention back to her. She placed Maggie’s hands back on her body before wrapping her arms around the smaller woman’s neck and pulling her in for a deep passionate kiss. Maggie didn’t fight her one bit and fell back into the kiss. Hands and lips started to roam once again. Maggie got lost in her girlfriend and without another thought she picked Alex up and placed her on the counter. Alex wrapped her legs around the shorter woman and pulled her flush against her.

Then came a bark.

Maggie yanked herself away from Alex as if she was on fire and pinned Alex with a shocked look. “You cannot tell me you didn’t hear that,” Maggie said as she moved out from between her girlfriend’s legs. “What’s going on, Alex?” 

Alex groaned and fixed her shirt before she slipped down off the counter. She hadn’t even given Maggie her present yet and he was already coming between Alex and her sexy times. In this moment Alex almost regretted getting a dog. “That would be your birthday present,” She said as she moved past Maggie towards the bathroom. “I was going to wait until after dinner but then you distracted me and he decided to interrupt said distraction.”

“What are you talking about, babe?” Maggie crossed her arms over her chest and watched Alex slowly make her way towards the bathroom. She knew what she heard was a dog so she knew there was a dog, or more specifically a puppy, in the bathroom. Which tells Maggie that Alex had been listening when she dropped hints about wanting a dog. Honestly a few weeks ago Maggie wouldn’t have cared to have a dog but after finding Danni’s jacket in their closet it brought back all the memories of Danni and Luc. And with these memories came Frank. Maggie had been with Danni the day the older detective got her girlfriend the bumbling little bulldog. And since the two worked crazy hours and Maggie was at the time as single as single could be she volunteered to dog sit every chance she got. Then the shooting happened. And the fight between Maggie and Luc. And in the end Maggie never got to see Frank again. It broke the detective’s heart. 

“I’m talking about this little guy,” Alex said with a smile as she opened the door to the bathroom. The next thing Maggie knew there was a little bundle of fluffy puppy jumping up and down in front of Alex. She watched as she girlfriend bent down and picked up the little fuzzy monster and walked towards her. “Happy birthday, babe.” The agent said as she carefully as she handing Maggie the puppy.

The detective froze. Not in a bad way, but in a ‘I can’t believe I’ve got a puppy’ way. With a dazzling smile Maggie took the puppy in her arms and let him lick her uncontrollably causing her to laugh. And it was a real laugh. A deep down happy laugh that warmed Alex to hear. The DEO agent watched with a loving smile on her face as her girlfriend became a bumbling smiley mess because of a puppy. Yes, Alex thought, the puppy was the perfect present. She watched as Maggie kissed the cute little puppy’s face and cooed at him causing him to yap and lick her over and over. 

After a few minutes of dumping some serious love on her new puppy Maggie turned her attention to her girlfriend. She heft the puppy over into one arm and used her other to reach out and grab Alex back the front of her shirt. Quickly she pulled the taller woman in for a kiss that left Alex’s legs feeling like jelly and her stomach burning with desire. 

“He’s perfect babe. Thank you,” Maggie breathed as she pulled her lips away from Alex’s. The DEO agent used the proximately to pull Maggie against her, wrapping one arm around her and using the other to pet the puppy that was intently watching them. 

“He is, isn’t he.” Alex said as she scratched behind the puppy’s ears. “But he doesn’t have a name. I figured I’ve leave that to you.”

“He’s our dog, Alex we name him together. But there’s one problem,” She trailed off and Alex looked at her in confusion. “He’s a boy so we can’t name him Gertrude like you wanted.”

Alex dropped her head back in a laugh causing the puppy in Maggie’s arm to bark. She remembered that day almost a year ago, although it wasn’t a pretty day at all. Getting kidnapped and almost killed by a guy who had a crush on you in highschool so your sister would break his murderous father out of jail wasn’t really something you wanted to remember. But Alex remembered the heart ouring moment she and Maggie had while she was trapped in that tank. And she remembered when Maggie asked her if she wanted a dog. 

“I was kidding about that. We don’t have to name any of our animals, or kids for that matter, ‘Gertrude’.”

Maggie’s face teasingly lit up, “Oh so you’re already planning more animals and kids huh?” 

“Lets just focus on this little guy for now,” Alex cooed to the dog but she was really talking to Maggie as she leaned in and kissed the little button nose of the puppy. “So what are we gonna name him?”

“I always liked the name ‘Jax’,” Maggie said as she looked down at the now sleeping puppy. “And it kinda fits cause he’s got a little white spot on his chest that looks like an ‘x’ you know like a jack from the game.” 

Alex looked down and noticed the little spot for the first time. She’d spend the entire day with this puppy and never noticed that little spot. “I think Jax is perfect.”

Alex and Maggie spent the rest of the night playing and cuddling with their new puppy. Alex showed Maggie where she’d decided to put Jax’s crate, she showed her the little cloth basket she got to keep Jax’s toys in, and the cute little doggie bowl that said ‘just keep calm and feed me.’ Maggie thought it was all perfect...that Alex was perfect. Hours after playing with the puppy and taking him for a late night walk the two decided to put him to sleep in his crate before they settled in for the night. 

Maggie watched as Alex said goodnight to a slumbering Jax’s once last time and crawled into bed. She leaned over and gently kissed Alex before getting up to get ready for bed. She walked over to the counter where she’d left her gun and badge, she picked the items up before grabbing her jacket that still hung from the chair. She walked back to her nightstand and placed her gun in the drawer and dropped her badge on top of the table. She then looked towards the bed to make sure Alex wasn’t watching. She breathed a sigh of relief when she found her girlfriend curled up with her eyes closed. She turned and walked towards the dining room chairs, carefully she reached into the pocket of her jacket and pulled something out before tossing the jacket over a chair. She slipped the object into the pocket of her pajama pants and moved towards the bathroom. 

Once she was in the privacy of the bathroom with the door closed she pulled the object out of her pocket. With a deep breath she looked down and opened the tiny little black velvet box to reveal a dazzling diamond ring. Maggie’s heart sped up just looking at the ring, just knowing what she was going to do with it. She couldn’t wait to give it to Alex. There was more than one occasion since she bought the ring where she’d almost popped the question. But she didn’t. She didn’t because she wanted it to be perfect. She just wanted to find the right moment. And as of late, whatever was going on with Alex and Luc was not making Maggie feel too confident about popping the question. But tonight, Maggie almost did it. After seeing Alex with their puppy the words almost tumbled from her lips without her realizing it.

Maggie snapped the ring box closed and tucked it away in her pocket once again. She quickly brushed her teeth and washed her hands before exiting the bathroom. She stopped at her jacket again, casting a glance to Alex to make sure she was still sleeping, before slipping the ring box back in her jacket. Quietly she moved towards the bed, she flicked the lights off and climbing in next to her slumbering girlfriend. She gently slipped her arms around Alex and placed a kiss to the back of the woman’s neck. She felt Alex shift in her sleep and pressed back against her, rhythmically grinding her backside into Maggie before she grabbed the detective's hand that rested at her waist and slide it slowly across her bare stomach. The detective grinned. So much for thinking her girlfriend was asleep.


End file.
